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I’m starting to feel like I’m losing it… I said today to him that I can’t cope with thing as they are and that I’m finding his behaviour controlling and I need things to change… (he tells me what I can’t wear in front of our housemates / that he has boundaries around private space so keeps a locked (removed by moderator)). He is also very domineering at times… it soon became a conversation about how my “emotional reactions” are controlling him. He then said I constantly “neg” him and gave me examples of things I’ve said. I can’t remember saying those things at all… (which is rly worrying) and he told me there’s nothing else he can say and doesn’t trust my motives… it feels like his paranoia is getting quite intense. He seems to think most people are trying to hurt him in some way – constantly talking about interactions with people in such detail about the worst possible take on their motives…
Anyway I told him this evening I’m thinking that I might need to move out so I can get my head together… he became really intense/ told me because of my emotional intensity he’s going to feel depressed for the next week and “(removed by moderator)”. It got so cold and confusing and I’m so worried about my future/where I’m going to live/whether I’m losing my mind/ how to get enough money for a deposit/ how alone I feel/ how to find somewhere which will take me and the dog/ how I’ll cope in my job on top of all this going on etc. (I know I’m catastrophising a bit but I felt really overwhelmed in the moment) That I started having a panic attack in front of him and he just stood there watching me doing nothing… I didn’t expect him to comfort me whilst we were in some kind of conflict but he literally just picked up his phone/txting. I’ve never felt so uncared for in a single moment of a relationship.
Could I really be the emotionally manipulative one?? I feel like a mess so maybe I’m projecting everything… maybe I’m pushing him to an edge and he’s just had enough
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Hi CuriousB,
Im so sorry he is doing this to you. No you are not pushing him to the edge- he is doing that to you. His deliberate manipulation pushed you to the point of a panic attack, and in that moment he showed you how much care he has for you; he picked up his phone and ignored your distress.
You are describing psychological and emotional abuse. His aim is to break your spirit, make you doubt yourself so you are easier to control. Control over you is his aim, not a mutually beneficial partnership. He is both gaslighting and projecting his behaviour onto you, not the other way around. What he is telling you are doing, is what he is doing to you. It’s absolutely mind melting stuff, so no wonder you became completely overwhelmed and had a panic attack.
Keep making your plans to move out, but don’t tell him. He will just twist everything onto you again. You don’t deserve this situation but you can escape it. Do you have any one in your life you can talk to? Your GP or local women’s aid could be a good start? Reach out for support, you need and deserve it. His behaviour will not improve, abuse always gets worse. Think back to the beginning of your relationship- would he have behaved this way then? Would you have endured it? It creeps in so slowly and insidiously we don’t notice it until things are really bad and we don’t know how we got there ot how to get out.
You said you feel really mad- anger is a completely normal and justified reaction to being treated terribly and having your boundaries trampled and your abuser has done both. Use the energy of that anger to help you escape.
Keep posting, we have your back here. Good luck. Sending a big hug x*x
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