I feel so alone

[Gypseyrose]

Hi. I’m new here. Firstly I’ll introduce myself. I have 2 children (detail removed by moderator) although the youngest no longer lives with me. From the time my youngest was 2 I’ve worked full time and supported them myself despite having a relationship lasting (detail removed by moderator) (not the father of them) which came to an end due to violence where I became quite injured. (detail removed by moderator) I met my now husband. He was amazing to begin with and I couldn’t believe my luck. After a few months we got engaged. Not long after that his temper first came to light. He would get angry over really silly things like he would say something really nasty about me in a joking way and then go to kiss me and if I acted mock offended he would storm out and say we were over. After that incident I became ill which resulted in me being disabled with chronic pain and pretty much incapacitated full stop. His anger became more frequent and numerous doors and mirrors and tv’s etc were smashed. Each time though he was never sorry he always blamed me for something I had said or done or the way I had said it. As he treated me so well the rest of the time pretty much having to wait on me I genuinely thought that I was at fault. We got married and the arguments became more frequent and I was hit, pinned to the bed had the bed upturned when I was in it etc etc threatened that he would kill me and have been happening every month for the (detail removed by moderator). He would leave for a few days at a time each time and bombard me with texts all blaming me and then having a go at me saying i was just being defensive and not willing to sort anything out when I tried to answer his accusations and when ever I tried to put across my feelings and my side he would say they were wrong.he would constantly accuse me of trying to manipulate and control the situation when all I wanted to do was sort it out. He even blamed it on my time of the month and made me go to the doctors for blood tests to see if I had some form of severe p*s or something but they all came back negative. Even in my previous relationship the incidents of abuse were only every few years but this was every month. He refused to accept any blame or even entertain the fact it could be him and told me I was a n********t and accused me of doing things he was guilty of. I began to feel as if I was going mad. He accused me of financially abusing him despite the fact he refused to have money in his account saying the csa would take it and I just have him whatever he said he needed no questions asked. I became quieter worrying over every little thing I said and admittedly becoming defensive over everything as I felt I was continually being attacked in some way. Because of this I was accused of ignoring him at times especially if I was reading or watching tv etc as it felt he didn’t like me doing anything else. I was accused of making no effort because I was unable to do a lot due to my pain and constant fatigue. Last week he accused me of ignoring him and being in a bad mood. I took offence to this as I could see by his face he was annoyed about something and asked what he was looking for etc. He had a massive rant at me and later that night when he came back up I did say I was peed off with constantly being accused of being in a bad mood or ignoring him when I haven’t. He left again and after a barrage of texts from him I finally bit the bullet and admitted in a text to him that I was scared of him but I did want to work things out with him if he got some help. Any hope I had was quickly dashed when he told me how out of order I was and that we are now officially separated. Despite all that’s happened I really love him and I just don’t know how to handle his Jekyll and Hyde personality. I’ve had torrents of messages since after he told me he’d deleted my number so he wouldn’t have to deal with my b******t and I’ve been trying to keep my replies to a minimum as any more than that seems to fuel his fire although now of course I’m ignoring him now in his book. I told him I was turning my phone off for the day as it was all getting too much for me and was again accused of manipulating and controlling the situation. He was meant to be collecting some clothes tonight which my eldest packed for him and has now messaged to say he wing and that my phone was turned off because I can’t message without hidden hidden meanings and agenda and because I didn’t reply straight away has told me how I said My phone would be on and it’s not so more lies despite the fact it is! It feels as if he makes stuff up and genuinely believes it. He’s now told me I’m blocked and he’s gone. I have no family that I can talk to and few friends as my illness made me lose touch with most of them. I’m feeling so alone and I don’t know what to do or where to turn

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Gypseyrose,

Welcome to the forum, it sounds like you have been through a terrible ordeal with not one but two abusive relationships, it is no wonder you are feeling devastated right now. You are not alone, all of us here understand how it feels, it is good you have found the forum, you will find lots of supportive women here.

It sounds like you have been treading on eggshells due to your current husband’s abuse, trying to prevent him from exploding but of course it never works as you’re not the cause of it, he just likes to make you think you are (he is sadly choosing to behave like this to gain power and control over you).

In a way it is positive that he has left as he sounds like an incredibly toxic person who is making your life a nightmare, but I totally get how afraid you must feel and how lonely it is, often that’s one of the reasons we stay with them, because the alternative feels even scarier.

The truth is that we need to leave them for our own safety. I am just going through the healing stage having left my ex not that long ago, it is incredibly difficult but life by ourselves can improve at least, whereas with an abuser it will always get worse to the point of life threatening and even sadly death as these men are dangerous and see us as their property.

Ring the helpline if you haven’t already, they will be able to talk you through your next steps. Be careful of him now, he may try to come crawling back, they are dangerous when they feel their control slipping. You could also ask your GP for support, and your local DV service, access all the support available, you are not alone and don’t have to go through this alone. Also ring Samaritans if you need someone to talk to, it is a lot to go through, take it one moment at a time. Sending you a big hug.

[Anonymous]

this guy sound like a total nightmare let him go you will be alone till you make a new life for yourself with new interests and friends and you wont be able to do that till hes gone

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you’ve been through a really rough time, I’m so sorry. Your current husband sounds a lot like my daughters father although yours sounds like he’s a lot more manipulative by trying to turn the blame upon you and make himself look the victim. Don’t fall for it. Thats hoe it all started for me too, him getting angry over little things then when I got ill through pregnancy he would physically make me walk faster when we were out despite it hurting me to do so and me using a stick to aid me walking. These people have no regard for us or our needs, emotional or physical. Sounds like you’re better off without him. My daughters father has been saying for over a year he will go to the doctors and get help for his anger. He won’t. I know that now. We deserve better, it won’t be easy but in the long run sounds like you’ll be happier without him x

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