I feel so lost

[Tuppance]

Hi

I am sorry to post again – I must be needy. I just don’t know how to carry on.
His abuse ( and it has taken me a long time to admit it is abuse ) has worn me down so much. Not anything like some of you have had to put up worth but the co from, walking on eggshells, accounting for my every move, disregarding my feelings, calling me names, belittling me infront of the kids, getting angry for not cooking dinner properly or for not having it prepared enough for when we get I . We all tip toe around him. It is worse when he drinks and then he becomes vindictive, nasty and will take it out on me but leave the kids feeling confused and hurt. My eldest loves it when he works away for the odd night – home is so much more peaceful. We can eat what we want to eat and we don’t have to worry. We hide some foods sometimes or eat naughty stuff secretly so as not to set him off. I have gradually become so worn down. The outbursts . Each one of them, hurt me more and more and I have lost count of the times I have cried myself to sleep or cried whilst cooking tea. My eldest has seen lots of this his whole life and I worry about his perception of a normal loving relationship. My youngest stands up for herself – I love her strength. He would never touch us – he is not like that and with everyone else he is perfect, charming, successful business man. He hates that I told him I wanted to seperate and it trying really hard but he is suffocating me. I used to worship him but now I feel nothing but anger. We are in this horrible mess because of his actions and my lack of confidence to stand up to him. I want to run away, but I know I can’t. I am so scared to hurt the kids but he hurts them everytime he goes off on one. He doesn’t seem to take any responsibility at all for his part in this mess. He says he loves me and will not let me go. We are going around in circles. I can’t ever I imagine being physically close to him but would love to remain friends for the sake of our kids. They say to kick him out but I don’t want to hurt him and it would be so hard for him with where we live and our social circle. I am worried it would make it worse. Why can’t he just let me go and do his best to do what is right for the kids. I feel trapped and the thought of spending the rest of my life like this is killing me. I have started to see a counsellor and she is great but she makes it all seem so simple. I have dr’s appointment this week and I know it is horrible to say but if he could diagnose me with something so I could say ‘ you are making me ill’ I don’t know – silly really. My kids are my world but in trying to stand up for myself and trying to get the life I want for us I am making it worse at home and my eldest is so unhappy. What have I done? I just want an end to it all- if could vanish, without hurting my kids, that’s what I would do. And I would sleep for a year, I think, I am so exhausted. Sorry to moan – I just feel so lost and confused.

[Ayanna]

Hun, you have the power to end this. Speak to WA, make a plan. Take little steps. Put your phone on silence and call 999 when he is abusive. Let the police hear everything.
Do not feel sorry for him. Lose all care that you have for him. Think of yourself only. Make yourself the most important person in your life. Kick him out.
You can do this.
Call Rights of Women, get advice.
You deserve a good life and your kids do too.

[Alicenotichains]

This sounds exactly like my first marriage. I used to call my house “misery box” because my life felt grey, bleak and hopeless. The little things that they do, even though they aren’t beating you regularly still can destroy your sense of self. My ex husband used to freak out if I put a cup down on the draining board. Or if I bought the wrong jam. There was always a hint of violence, he would look at me in company and do this weird thing with his jaw. With one look I would be terrified. But he could switch on the charm with others so nobody had a clue- in fact he told lots of his family and friends that I was controlling and so they hated me and I became isolated. I would never have left him I don’t think I could have left him because my self esteem was non existent. I had no job or money of my own. In then end he ran off with a woman from work, emptied the bank account and left me with nothing. I was distraught but looking back now it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I did an access course, then a degree and got a good job. I had the last laugh. My kids are happier- it’s been hard but if you can survive that abuse you can basically do anything. Sadly my next partner was abusive but I have just ended that which is just such an achievement as I have NEVER stood up for myself. I just said, I can’t take this any more, it’s making me ill (I was depressed and developed shingles). Somewhere inside of you is a voice and all that voice needs to say is NO. And I said NO a few weeks ago and although letting go was my worst fear- I seem to still be alive- but I am not treading on eggshells. You have to believe that there is a better and happier way to live. Life is so short- we don’t need to be living in misery boxes xxxxx

[Moonflower1]

Hi Tuppance

I am so sorry you are being treated this way. I understand exactly how you feel as our situations sound so similar I could have written your post and just wanted to show you some support. I understand how they play games with your mind and erode all your confidence that leaves you dazed and confused.

Mine has been shouting at me all weekend (he says he only shouts because I don’t listen!!). It started over something so petty that hes told me about before that this isn’t necessary but I’ve not listened to him so I don’t care about him!! Apparently I’m horrible to him and I’m not the nice kind person that I think I am.

Anyway he’s away for a few days now so peace has returned and I have time to recover and regain some strength. If I thought he would go I would ask him to leave but I know he won’t so I have a long hard slog ahead but the day is coming when I tell him its over and I will leave. I’m doing this more for my daughter than me as she deserves better than the life she has and I don’t won’t her to be anymore damaged than she may already be.

I too see a counsellor and this has really helped me build up my self-esteem. I think for me it helps to have someone who listens and validates what I feel. Someone who says ‘it’s not your fault’ ‘this is abusive’

Tuppance, do any of your friends or family know of your situation and could they help you if you decided to leave?

Sending you hugs xx

[Author]

Posts