I feel so lost

[heartbrokenwoman]

Hi everyone I’m new to posting on here. I’ve read other members stories and followed them but haven’t posted myself until now.

I’m feeling really lost right now and could do with a massive hug from someone (thanks to covid19 I can’t see that happening)
I’ve been with my partner over 15 yrs. It was beautiful at the beginning but once we moved in together things changed. He became very controlling & my life as I knew it began to change, began to die. I’ve been through a lot in my (detail removed by moderator) yr old life thanks to my partner & emotional abuse. I’ve been through it all, the jealousy, possessiveness, the gas lighting. Fast forward to recently after having kids (detail removed by moderator) I feel incredibly lost and like I’m just wandering around alone in life. It took me (detail removed by moderator) yrs to have my miracle children I should be incredibly happy with finally being a mum, but I’ve been robbed of that thanks to abuse!

Things got worse after I had my babies. I honestly thought he would improve knowing how precious they are to us and because he really wanted us to have a family. I thought everything would settle down a little rather than intensify. I’ve been so depressed because he makes me feel like such a useless mother. I already feel like that myself but he feeds it into me more. Not by actually telling me I’m a bad mother but by telling me where I’m going wrong and how to correct it every single day. I feel like nothing is good enough. I love my kids so much but I very much regret who I’ve had then with. When I was pregnant with my second child I was then told I could no longer bring the kids to my mother’s house unless he cane too.

He doesn’t trust the kids being left with any man due to being abused when he was younger. So for that reason my own dad can’t come over to see his grandchildren. I’ve been really struggling with this as he has wiped every other person out of my life that my mum & dad are all I’ve got left; they are my support network! I’m unable to make any memories with my parents & kids. I’ve tried reasoning with him but he’s not having it. I feel so alone knowing I can’t take my own children to see my parents even just for a cuppa or someone to share the load of two toddlers. I miss my mum & dad so much.

I’m finding it really difficult to cope with this abuse now. I’m constantly gas lighted when there is an argument, I literally question everything over in my mind before I speak to him because everything gets so twisted by him. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my sanity and it really scares me. I can’t take any more accusations just because I said hello to a man in the shop. I can’t take anymore of the wall he puts up and then ignores me for days on end especially in front of the children.
We went for a walk yesterday with the kids and somewhere at some point during that walk I done something to annoy him (I’ve no idea what it is and he won’t tell me) so I’ve been walled from yesterday eve. It was supposed to be a nice family time with our little ones but he just ignored me or was very rude to me the whole time and I still have no idea what I done!

I’ve cried for 48 hours now even in front of my children because they are bound to sense the drol the iciness between us. I’m incredibly unhappy. All I want is to feel loved, wanted and trusted a normal relationship. No one deserves to feel this way. I hate having to walk on egg shells. My nerves are so bad at the minute I just feel like puking! I just want peace & happiness especially for my children. I wish I could turn back the clock and never have set eyes on him. He has ruined me physically & emotionally. I wish people could see the bruising he has done to me inside to my heart & mind. I live a life but what type of life is it when I’m totally contained! I feel like an animal in a cage.

I know if I leave he’ll be on to social services etc claiming I’m a terrible mother who can’t cope etc and I know the blackmailing will begin. He’s done it before to me. He has the blackest heart I’ve ever seen in a person yet I love him and have kids to him because I loved him. So many regrets I’ve had since I’ve been with him. If I never had met him I could be leading a wonderful life

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there and welcome fo the forum. You have been really brave in opening up so well done 💞
Living with an abusive partner is soul destroying, you feel like you’re losing your mind. Some of your post may be blanked out as it could be seen as personal and therefore maybe be recognisable, don’t worry we all do it from time to time. I wish everyone who’s still living with abuse could know what it’s like living once you’ve left it behind. The fear doesn’t go, but you do start to believe that you can do it.you can make a life without abuse.
Have you spoken to anyone at WA yet. Once we waken up to what they are, we can’t un see it. The not knowing what you did wrong while going out for the walk, it probably was nothing more than you had a nice time. They don’t like us having a nice time at all😔
By having those around you (the professionals)you can build up a relationship with them. They’ll find out how great a mother you are, that even if he did go to social services it would be out of spite. We don’t think logically when we live with abuse, we’ve given them so much control of oor lives that we mistakenly believe that they can control everything and everybody.
You know what you are living with now, have you heard of the grey rock method, if you can, download living with the dominator,(think Patricia Evans wrote this)and why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Get as much insight to and knowledge of abusive men.knowledge is power. Start journaling his behaviour if you’ve not already done so. If it’s safe to do so do it on your phone as most have passwords to unlock now, if not a written journal that can be hidden away. Keep a note of dates, times, if anyone was present. Keep it as factual as possible but do also include how you feel. I w*d so convinced I was going mad I asked my doctor to carry out specific tests. Not once did I admit my husband was abusive because then I didn’t know he was.
The silent treatment is a favourite technique of abusers. Try and not let it get to you. Use it to do something for yourself, my ex ignored my daughter for months at a time, started of a few days and worked up. They’re are utter monsters, bullies, selfish children who’ve not grown up.
Try imagining him as a three year old whenever he throws a strop though its a lot scarier though when it’s a grown man. There’s no point in trying to reason with them, they are always right and you always wrong. Even if it galls you, try saying things like, I’m sorry you feel that way, or that’s your opinion. Those are part of going grey rock. They chip away at our self esteem to build theirs up. Stay safe, get stronger you’ve got this. You could be in your own place or him put out of the house sooner than you realise. The fear of what he could do especially if he’s had previous outbursts may freeze you into inaction. But you will have an enough is enough moment. Until then start getting prepared. Copy all relevant paperwork, know what is in your bank accounts. Think like he does. Also listen to what he’s saying. When he’s accusing you of whatever, it’s generally him confessing his own behaviour. Eg he says your a terrible mother, whereas he’s the terrible father. A good dad would not abuse his wife/partner, whether in front of the children or not. Take care and keep posting. IWMB

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