I feel so on edge

[TrappedButterfly]

Sorry this is really long, I just need to let everything out, so thank you if you make it down to the bottom. Everything was going so well but now I’m walking on eggshells like never before.

After going back to him after a little while separated, it was as if he had changed. He was helping me loads, he even admitted he felt bad when he got angry about the way I did the housework, as he realised how much I did when he had to do it himself, so he started to help more and we were communicating loads better.

However, I then slipped up big time when I went out for after work drinks. I don’t know why but on the couple of recent occasions I have gone out I have had one too many which I really hate myself for, the commute I need to take back home by train doesn’t help me either. However for the first time ever since we have been together I ended up on a friends coach. Despite her speaking to him saying where I was, it resulted him in getting so angry that my friend and her husband were really concerned about my safety and what would happen if they did put me in a cab back like he suggested.

Despite apologising to him from the bottom of my heart and telling him that I am so ashamed of myself, that I genuinely want to stop drinking as I know me coming back merry when I have gone out has caused us so many issues, and that this time I did truly go overboard. It’s never been so fragile. He keeps bringing it up, threatening me that he can easily go and have an affair. That he deserves better

Last week my husband started an argument just before I was about to go to work accusing me of having an affair because I apparently was looking too “sexy”. As soon as I started to walk to work he called asking where I am as he usually offers me a lift, when I told him I have started walking he literally seconds later was pulled up beside me shouting at me to get into the car. As it was early morning and didn’t want to cause a scene I jumped in but as soon I was in there I felt so trapped, he was just screaming at me. I felt so scared I started to scream at him at one point to just let me out, but he wouldn’t, as he wanted “to talk” grabbing my phone out of my hands. He then mentioned he is “not a violent guy” and thoughts came to me wondering if he is implying he is in the verge of hitting me. He’s only ever tried to pin me down before, he has never ever been physical. It was only a few moments later when he finally dropped to the station he was apologising, giving me a hug, saying that he was out of order. Making me feel sorry for him.

Then the other day I was on a team building event for the day. I chose to tell him first thing in morning on the way there as I didn’t want to create tension the night before – he’s made it very apparent he hates my job. He texted me back and seemed ok, unfortunately I got home later than I had thought and even though I was back before him as he was out on a rare night out with the boys, he started accusing me of all sorts again. Like how I’m sneaky, my job takes over, demanding to know who I was with from work, having to physically hand my phone over to show him proof, telling me that I’m not sleeping in our bed, that I need to sleep on the sofa, that I bring out the worst in him, no one has ever made him react the way he does. In defeat I said to him as you don’t like me doing anything with my work colleagues I will turn down anything that involves going out with them but then he was like “no that would be me controlling you” implying he wants me to do that on my own accord telling me that wives come back home and respect their husbands.

It’s also getting to the point where he’s now making me feel guilty when I turn down sex. He is wanting it all the time but my sex drive is now practically non existent. I’ve confided in him saying I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just feel dead all the time, I have no energy but he just gets really stroppy, accusing me yet again of having an affair, or saying that I am the reason why he is insecure. When we do have sex it’s nearly always on his terms, where, what position etc. We had sex last night but this morning he was like, but you didn’t give me it in this position and now he is constantly asking me for more sex, I have said we do it later but he’s like we can do it now and later while opening my legs and trying to hump me in a jokingly way.

Its always about him. Apparently I’m the cold one, I never give him attention when we are out in front of people like family or friends. But when I’m after a simple hug or a comfort touch within our home I’m either being too needy or uses that to try and initiate sex… and of course when I tell him I just want a hug he makes me feel really bad. Its getting to the point that he’s even jealous with who I follow on social media…

I know I need to end this and he always keeps telling me that if I’m not happy I can just leave, but then I sit there begging him don’t be like that, that I love him so much. How do I break this hold. I was so happy and such a free spirit before I met him, now I feel like this thing in a broken shell.

[diymum@1]

you cant live like this though it eventually can make you physically and emotionally ill. i lived like that for two decades and i only understand why now. in his head he feels that he ‘owns’ you. your his property. when i was young i was flattered that someone was this obsessed with me he saw me as a thing though – meat and his. i saw through this as i got older and realised this isnt love this is possession.he sounds really paranoid,insecure and very needy himself. often all off what these guys accuse us off is what they are deep down. its their confession in a round about very confusing way. you should be able to go out and he should trust you. him saying he will have an affair as above is a threat to keep you in line. this isnt healthy for you. id call womens aid to get advice. its not easy to leave but dont leave it until you become completely trauma bonded to him because the emotional ties become even stronger. we stay beyond all reason xxxx put yourself first there is a happier easier life out there. you have to be careful because once kids are on the horizon these men up the anti x*x

[Whosthatgirl]

This was me (detail removed by moderator)..and then we had 2 kids. I can assure you it won’t improve. Mine walked out in a fit of peak (he admitted he expected me to beg).and i took my chance to get him out of my life but he’s now trying to take the kids, one of whom he hurt because he didn’t know to back down like I did. Please protect yourself honey and escape before it gets any harder x

[TrappedButterfly]

Thank you so much both for taking time to read all that, it’s comforting knowing that you’re not alone and you’re not going mad, but at the same time it’s horrible knowing that there are others who have gone or going through this.

@diymum@1 … big hugs for surviving two decades of that xx it really has got me you saying that I’m his property that he thinks he can own. I really see that now. As soon as I became his wife, that’s when it started to get worse “wives should do this, wives should do that, a wife should respect her husband”. I could literally be anyone right now. If someone really looked me in my eye and asked me whether I think my husband loves me for me, I think it would truthfully be a no 🙁

It’s heartbreaking to say this as I love kids and my biological clock is now really starting to tick, but thankfully we haven’t got kids together. He has a child from another relationship who I have bonded so well with and he already uses that as a way of making me feel guilty at times.

@Whosthatgirl … its so horrible to hear that he’s now trying to take away the kids from you and hurting them in the process 🙁 how low can they stoop. As soon as they see you gain a little bit of strength, that’s when they will use anything to try and manipulate the situation and tear you down again. Sending you big hugs xx

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