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Dear ladies, as you all know its not the easiest thing to speak to non abuse victims about abuse related things as they just don’t understand. I have so many things going on for me at the moment, I’m unable to speak to anybody about it all apart from the Freedom Programme group and on here. You don’t have to read it at all & that is fine, but as I said at the FP today, writing I find is very therapeutic. I cannot believe that I am now (detail removed by moderator) old and am only just getting my act together. Since aged 15 when boys first came to my attention until earlier this year I have always had a man somewhere in my life, not one day has passed in (detail removed by moderator) years that a man has not been there in person, thought or who i’m trying to escape from. I’ve always felt that it was socially correct to have a boyfriend or if you didn’t you were abnormal or everyone SHOULD have someone. Everywhere I looked everybody was in a relationship. So in (detail removed by moderator)years I have searched high and low, i dont’ like to use the word desperate but you know what i mean. I just wanted someone and I have had at least 6 abusers in this time (physical & mental), 60 plus separate dates from online dating and untold encounters where I was basically used for sex and then dumped. All the while i just wanted a partner and want I got was used and made to feel awful. The Freedom Programme & actually my last ‘partner’ have changed my life I believe. Today we were talking about feeling so desperate to be with someone and how having this desperate need is likely to draw you to the wrong people. I didn’t realize this before. I’m not as bad as I used to be and no longer online date and I have decided that i’m not going to be desperate to meet anybody anymore. I have joined another 2 social groups and have got an evening out at a quiz tomorrow which will be nice. I have been in touch with more friends this past half a year than I have in (detail removed by moderator) years and I’m having real normal girly fun, all of which I have never had before. I realize that now i’m more in touch with girlfriends and getting out mixing a bit more that i’m actually a nice person and I was a catch for my last BF, he treated me like rubbish. Sorry to ramble on, its good to write for me anyway.
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I completely empathize where you are coming from.
I get on better with men than women in general. I believe this is because I grew up with mostly males in my life. Cousins. my father was the main caretaker and I spent a lot of time with him and his friends and hearing about his friends. I was also bullied in an all girls primary school. So I lost that female connection for many years.
However my father was abusive and I spent many years of my childhood trying to placate him. My parents also insulted me alot and combined with the bullying I thought that I was ugly. My parents, my father in particular, prevented me from dressing up elaborately so I couldn’t relate to girls about dresses and hairstyles and jewelry.
When I went to secondary school, I found that I couldn’t relate to the girls and could relate more to the boys. Things like football, science and science fiction, national geographic magazine, action cartoons and tales of adventure. I read books that boys read and I found the “books for girls” insipid.
Once I turn 14/15, I realized that boys were also interested in me in a sexual way. I started to read Cosmopolitan and Marie Claire and Allure and some other teen magazines. Once a month I would save up my pocket money and buy one of those magazines. Those magazines taught me how to be a woman, outwardly in appearance, fashion, skincare, haircare, etiquette, decorum, even things like getting a job or decorating a home. However I still couldn’t relate to many girls as they had now become sexual active and also their fashion of trends differed from my more classical timeless fashion style. I also was very engrossed in my studies far more than many other girls. When I wasn’t studying I went out with mostly boys and dressed in my simple but attractive style.
Looking back, maybe due to my surroundings and the fact that I could never understand or please my father made me gravitate more to boys and men in an attempt maybe to understand and please them at the same time.
I thought getting a boyfriend was normal and pleasing him. I had no idea on how to please myself and make myself happy. So all through my life father, boyfriends, husband, I’ve been living for men. Now I want to live for myself.
I have now connected with women over common interests in art, culture, health, sport and fashion and also unfortunately being abused and hurt by men.
I still struggle to feel completely at ease with women due to the fact that I don’t watch soaps, I struggle with gossip, I’ve removed men from my life, I don’t care for my older relatives and I don’t have children. I also now struggle with men because I don’t want to give anything to men unless they prove themselves. I can’t trust men which is unfortunate and I don’t want one intertwined with my life. I am happy for men to stay on the periphery of my life. Sometimes I feel like I am using men by keeping them at arms length but I feel like I am better off protecting myself and the risk is too great to let them into my life after almost losing everything with my abusive husband.
It’s a weakness and a vulnerability: wanting to please men and let them override my boundaries. I do not want to give them the power or access to this weakness. Unfortunately this is what all relationships are based on, allowing the other person to see your strengths and weaknesses and trusting that they won’t exploit you.
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Dear Sahara, thank you for your informative post. I think in this day & age it is much more socially acceptable to live alone, be single and childless. I am all of those things. I am actually very happy with where I am at in life though do feel a pang of jealousy where people become pregnant, I have never known what that felt like. but the options these days for single people are vast, you can actually do anything your heart desires. The huge array of social groups that are out there, they cover every single hobby or interest you may like. Admittedly it takes willingness and putting yourself out to attend. But if you do, there is no need to have a man, particularly a person, romantic partner or female ‘friend’ who makes you feel bad. I have been a single, mainly friendless woman in some of the most beautiful destinations in the world and felt in the prime of my life. Like you Sahara, I dont watch soaps, gossip, tell lies and I work hard at my job. I’m not popular as I guess i’m not good for gossip and scandal. But surely to have female friends is not all about that. I have known a lady for some years, this person I met in my social group, we have the same sense of humour. She makes me laugh and I like her company. Last week she was quite abrupt with me, this is the second time. I did not know why. I thought about dumping her as a friend which is my usual plan of action. A bit like the red flag of abusers. But i’ve heard before to make relationships work takes effort. So i’m going to try to ignore her abruptness and concentrate on how much fun we have. someone said to me that any relationship is about give & take and taking the rough with the smooth. I’m a loner and probably have 1 friend who I see a couple of times a year. I have read that to have relationships (friendships) take work. I am going to try to be a better friend from now on.
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I think the most important relationship in your life is with yourself.
I’ve realised that I have let myself be abused in the past because I somehow didn’t give myself the same rights as other people. I judged myself too harshly, believed other people’s views and assumed they always had pure motives, and let myself be tossed about.
My ex knew that it would be easy to control me, because he knew that the first thing I always did was blame myself for things, I didn’t expect much for myself, and so on.
I’ve realised now that life is short, that I can’t continue on this planet being so harsh to myself.
A few weeks ago, I suddenly realised that the only way forward is to be at peace with yourself. To face that self-crirical voice and to analyse whether it is fair or now. And I don’t think it was fair at all. Since I realised that I don’t need to berate myself every day, I have felt an amazing sense of freedom. Life is bearable again.
I read a quote: “No one can have me until I own myself.”
Until we own ourself, care for ourself, own our beliefs and stop believing more in others than ourselves, we aren’t ready for a relationship. When we have a relationship, we need to be able to make sure we don’t think there’s anything wrong in asking for equal rights, that we don’t do all the giving, that we like our identity and don’t want to lose it.
The right partner won’t want to change just to serve their own needs better, won’t think it’s their right to be so controlling as to think they can try to change and mould us, and they won’t be so intense that they see us as an e tension of themselves. They will accept that we are two separate individuals on a journey together, and that any relationship requires respect.
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The only relationship I’m putting any energy into is the relationship with myself.
I have very little energy left over for anyone else. It’s a shame but it is partly down to my mental health and if I don’t look after my mental health, I become very unwell and can’t work and/or end up in hospital.
so it is what it is.
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