15th June 2016 at 2:10 pm #19187
I live in a toxic relationship with my husband… the silent treatment, blaming, shouting…using one of the counters in the kitchen as a bin…the general lack of sentience. He sits on the lounge and there he will stay all day…like Jabba the hutt on his podium. The amount of time I have wasted trying to make him happy. God, why could I not see his abusive attitude years ago…I thought he was depressed, now I see that he just enjoys wallowing in the dirt and darkness. I’m to blame for his whole life being rubbish so he doesn’t ever have to make an effort. He is revolting.
I remember the opening of my eyes. Weekends were usually the time of darkness…he’d drag it around with him like a precious bundle…the black hole where good feelings and positive thought were sucked out of me and nothing but an emotionally shellshocked pile of ruins left. I left the house and went to the pub. I tried so hard not to cry, you know, swallowing it down…shaking my head, trying not to feel the pain, the sense of absolute destruction of my psyche and belief of goodness in people swirling around and around. Feeling so alone, alone, alone. A drink calmed me down…slowed my thinking from the maelstromic storm to something more linear and I could feel more clearly. Someone came over to me we started talking generally and then about relationships. He said that my husband was probably a narcisist.
I didn’t know anything about this, so I started researching, I got a few books…they were hard to read, some of the stuff was very depressing. I stopped for a while. I couldn’t imagine that I might be an abuse victim…I’m an intelligent person, surely I would have noticed? This is a very horrific feeling…
6 weeks ago I started to read “Breaking up with a N********t” and the first couple of pages showed me my life. The controlling behaviour, lack of respect, dark brooding silence, conversation twisted into blame, inability to say sorry, no emotional intelligence, aggressive and unkind, swearing and name calling….over and over and over again. The truth really hit home and went a bit crazy…I woke him up…I said I wanted to punch him and he pointed to his face and said hit me then (I’m not a violent person)… I shouted at him and just ended up baring my teeth and growling at him (incoherent with rage I suppose) as he kept grabbing me telling me I’m mad b***h and I’m going to get sectioned…and the neighbours will call the police if I don’t calm down…I told him I didn’t care if the police were called as I had nothing more to loose. I told one of my neighbours whom I’m friendly with a few days later about the whole debacle and I laughed (reducing the impact of the horror) with her about it. I know he would use the scenario as amunition. I know there will be a nasty ending to this “relationship” He will try to destroy all my credibility and me.
He has friends whom he would never treat like this … one of them is a church leader/minister. He never invites them to our house , he just goes out and sees them. I feel he has put these people in place for some future backup or when we divorce.
I’ve lived like this for 20 years, but it has become much worse over the last 6 months as I now know what he is and told him so. I wish I hadn’t, as it’s given him a heads up and his time is now limited.
15th June 2016 at 3:39 pm #19193
Dear Exist, I’m so sorry to read this, at the moment I’m at work and can’t read or post properly, but in the meantime, these books are immediately available & free to read on Amazon, the Tudor ones gave me so much understanding of what I were dealing with, I will message again later. X*X (my ex wasn’t violent physically but mentally and emotionally, he almost broke me, I’m an intelligent women).
30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships
All books by HG Tudor
You can buy these cheaply:
Why does he do that? (Lundy Bancroft)
Quotations by Hermann Hessee (Love Your Suffering) and M Scott Peck
Post traumatic growth
Vidoes on You Tube on Narcissism
Keep posting on here and pour your heart and thoughts out. X*X
15th June 2016 at 5:47 pm #19204godschildParticipant
Hi, You are starting to see and realise that he is abusive, we can live in it for years I have and not really realised that it was abuse. I rememer when I first began to realise I felt so so angry. Have you contacted womens aid for support your local one should be able to give you a workwer to meet up with for support, call the helpline.
These men usually dont treat others like they treat you its all directed at and saved for you alone behind closed doors and they are Mr nice Guy outside.
Ive been told for years that im mad and need sectioning its classic.
Keep posting on here and reading posts and the books recommended I can really reccomend the book by Lundy Bancroft he attempts to help perpertrators and writes with such clarity on their tactics xx
16th June 2016 at 9:38 pm #19332
Hi, I’ve just bought the book “Why does he do that? ” a few days ago, just before I posted on here. I copied a page of 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics flash card list…I’m going to print them out for myself, just to remind me not to react and become a crazy woman…
God, it’s so hard to be in the same room with him…he’s ignored me for (detail removed by moderator) days now and my chest is tight. My desktop computer is in the lounge room and when I feel strong enough, I go downstairs and use it…I can usually handle it for an hour before the silence gets too much. I usually go back upstairs and sleep or read.
He’s been sleeping on the sofa for the last week, which has been wonderful…but I know it won’t last and I’m dreading him polluting our bedroom with his darkness. In the last (detail removed by moderator) years I started getting anxiety and sleep has suffered…I sleep for 5-10 minutes and awaken for another hour or 2 then repeat…I sleep better in the daytime. He just makes me feel ill.
Thankyou for replying, I feel invisible a lot of the time and maybe this will help. x
16th June 2016 at 9:47 pm #19337
The silent treatment was my ex’s main weapon. It is so painful. He maintains it to this day and now i just think he is sick and twisted. There is a lot of reading available on the siletn treatment HG Tudor books talk about it, as does Invisible Chains and Covert Manipulation. Theres also some good You Tube vidoes in you just put in silent treatment. I would’nt even be so bad if they said what was wrong. Both of my ex’s ignored me for hours, days or longer and I had no idea why.My most recent ex he used it to punish me, again I don’t know why.
16th June 2016 at 10:03 pm #19338AlicenotichainsParticipant
Oh existolive I really do feel for your predicament. It’s like having your soul crushed. I look back on my first marriage which sounds similar to yours and I cannot believe I endured such misery for so long. I eventually got cast aside for another woman which in hindsight was such a blessing. He emptied our joint account of money in a bid to woo this lady leaving me and the kids with nothing. I left the family home as I had no money to pay the bills and we had baillifs banging on the door and started all over again with black bags of clothes, 2 kids and a dog. After attending the freedom programme I realised that I hadn’t been mad, the box of tricks he used on me were carefully designed to crush me in every way. My second abusive relationship well I ended that recently but it has taken a lot of support and courage but I guess I didn’t want to wait for the stage that I was completely deconstructed and then cast aside for a new prospect. I made the choice this time and I feel empowered- if a little up and down.
All I can say is that a peaceful day without walking on eggshells and having every minor event turned into a catastrophe is so much nicer than the chaotic days I used to dread.
I remember when I used to park outside my old house, I used to call it Misery Box, and I just didn’t ever want to go inside.
I would say remain calm and use your energy to phone women’s aid and leave this toxic individual to stew in his own juices. You deserve a peaceful happy life xx
16th June 2016 at 10:29 pm #19343
I’m being punished for asking him to clean the small kitchen surface he uses to put rubbish on instead of in the bin. He picked up a couple of bits of plastic and left the rest as it was not his?! I created the problem as I threw my jello cup into the kitchen sink and he walked into the line of fire…a small dribble of jello now on his tshirt. Oh c**p. He threw a ceramic bowl at me which hit my ankle…I got a lovely bruise now. I asked why he threw it at me and he said I was a liar. I think he thought the neighbours could hear and covered for himself. It’s all so school playground.
He’ll offer me a cup of tea tomorrow or the next, thinking that it will get me to thaw a bit, it usually does unfortunately…it’s better than this frozen emotional wasteland.
16th June 2016 at 11:21 pm #19348
He is going to a festival with his friends next week, so I’ll be able to have time to think and be. When did my life become this? He’s at home constantly at the moment as he’s looking for another job and he won’t take what is offered. I dunno what he’s doing any more…he’s not talking to me right now anyway…he is sighing a lot, though. Poor Dear
17th June 2016 at 7:25 am #19357
Dear Exist, I wonder if you are able to “pretend” just to be what he would want to make him happy and keep him quiet? if he would prefer you quiet, cleaning, totally subservient etc, can you pretend? Make him think he has won?………But all the while you yourself now are plotting. Plotting for your future, putting each minute detail in place, creating a plan of moving forward. This will get him off your back and give you the mental space to begin to make your escape. The mental chains that kept me in were extremely strong but they are also fairly easy to break if you get your head in the right place. XXXXX
17th June 2016 at 10:13 am #19364Moonflower1Participant
I know exactly how you feel. My husband also uses the silent treatment as a way of controlling me. He knows I HATE it!! The silence is deafening and makes me really anxious. I used to beg him to speak to me about whatever was bothering him up but he’d refuse and I ended up apologising for things I hadn’t even done just so it would stop. But I don’t do this anymore I’ve told him that if he doesn’t want to speak to me then that’s up to him and I try and get on with n life. But it a so so hard to live in that atmosphere.
HealthyArchive is right about trying to pretend while making plans for your future. This is what I am doing. I’ve been to see a solicitor to see where I stand legally and I am looking into finances so that I can support myself in the short term when we spilt. It may be up to a year away before I can do that be it helps me to know that I won’t live like this forever.
Another thing that helps me is to read books on abuse and domestic violence. It helps to understand that it’s not my fault and nothing I can do can make things any better. Yesterday I found a website call http://www.narcissistsupport.com and I found their information really helpful. My husband is a classic n********t.
Ring women’s aid and speak to someone about your situation. It helped me for someone to say what I was experiencing was abuse.
Good luck. Sending you hugs xx
17th June 2016 at 10:28 am #19366
Silence was my ex’s main weapon, he used it all of the time on me and others as a way of controlling us, I saw it as some form of punishment for something, I had no idea what I had done wrong. He found out from me my Achilles heel and vulnerabilities and then he exploited those to the max, what a nasty person. He still does it now, probably thinking that he has ‘won’ by ignoring and dismissing me as though I am important. Unfortunately for him in his warped mind he does not realize this has set me free and I feel happy and strong without him. I pity him as he has internal issues which will never give him happiness. His silence felt to me rejection, control, abandonment, power, all of which deeply destroyed me at the time. This lessens as time with NC goes on. XXXX
17th June 2016 at 10:29 am #19367
I meant UN important.
17th June 2016 at 3:06 pm #19380
Hi, I’ve done the pretend thing before and it has worked, I can do it for a while & then I slip back to where I was…I have to be stronger and keep it all secret…I feel so disconnected, dizzy and sick at the moment through the stress of silence. You are right about the silence being deafening, it is my achilles heel as communication is very important to me. He is without a soul. I need beauty and goodness in my life and I know one day I’ll be without this creature.
My son has been great, he’s very encouraging and he’ll sit down in the lounge with me instead of playing his xbox, we’ll talk about general stuff and I feel almost normal for a while. I wanted so much more for him, I don’t want him repeating the life I’ve had.
I’d like to see a solicitor but I have no idea how to find one and I have no money of my own. My brain is so cotton wooly at the moment, even writing this is hard as I keep making spelling mistakes and having to edit it…I hate having to think about all this stuff.
17th June 2016 at 3:32 pm #19381
Dear Exist, I can very much identify with your confused mental state When I met my ex, if I’m honest I had little relationship experience and probably some underlying insecurities, shyness and possibly lack of confidence. Because of these things I might have been at a disadvantage at entering a close relationship, I doubted myself generally. So a lot of things happened which I let go, I thought I were to blame. As time went on, his dodgy behaviour became more obvious, it were then that I knew I wasn’t all to blame. During our relationship I was reduced to a shell of a person, insecure, doubting, fearful, seeing and hearing things that weren’t there, being lied to in such a disgusting way. Once of his favourite phrases was (detail removed by moderator). He would sit and lie to my face, I knew that he was lying. He would take my money and try to convince me this was normal. I could go on and on. All the while my core mental health was being eroded which I believe was his goal. The covert manipulation books on Amazon saved me. XXXXX
21st June 2016 at 4:53 am #19685
Well the silence is still going on 9 days later and he’s acting like the victim. I feel really angry and wonder if he really does believes he is the victim. He’s gone out a few times in the evenings, just dissapearing…no idea where. I talked to him in bed just now, asking him when the silent treatment was going to end and he said I dont stop shouting (sticking up for myself) and moaning at him…. I haven’t even spoken to him for nine days. He justifies everything and says it’s all my fault for asking him to do things. I feel so paranoid at the moment…I have a constant headache. I do wonder if it is my fault and I’m just blind to it. I feel like I’ve been devoured and spat out.
21st June 2016 at 6:30 am #19687
Dear Existorlive, this so much reminds me of what I had with my most recent ex and the one before him. Both’s main weapon was the silent treatment. It was so excruciatingly hurtful. I did a lot of reading up on it at the time on the internet, there is a lot available. I will try to get some of the links & send them to you. Also in the Covert Manipulation books on Amazon there is quite a lot on it. It is a form of power & control and in my case used to punish me, for what I never knew. I think one of the most helpful articles I read on this said you could tell him that you would like to talk and resolve whatever the problem is and how it makes you feel. You could then give you the option of coming to you when he is ready to talk. You would then be able to let go and put the onus back onto him. It went something like that I think. My most recent ex continues to use silent now when he and I could have gone down another more healthy route. I believe that he thinks it is hurting me but really it is hurting himself as he is holding onto so much anger. I found a useful article yesterday which I posted on here on rejection/abandonment which for me, silent treatment was linked to. The article gave me a bit of a lightbulb moment. I will post it to you. Keep your chin up Exist, I think that they feel so little internal power they try any trick in the book to get it back. X*X
21st June 2016 at 6:33 am #19688
Dear Exist, this is what I found yesterday, it was on the (detail removed by moderator) website. I liked it as it gave me another veiw of the silent treatment. I felt & continue to feel starved. X
“Also, this method of abandonment is to keep you starved, it creates and fosters a desire for you to spend time with him, you crave it, and when he throws you a bone you will ditch previous plans to spend any amount of time with him. This further isolates you from friends and family.”
23rd June 2016 at 5:05 am #19897
Hi good people,
I now have time to myself for the next week…the darkness has gone on holiday.
I’ve been thinking about the idea of “soulless” people. We use this word as expression to describe the lack of goodness within a person…What if people really are being born with no soul/spirit? I’m not talking about the religious idea of a soul…more about our sense of being, our individuality, emotional life, having an almost innate understanding of good & bad. There are many people who have gone through horrific childhoods and still, within them the knowledge of good & bad exists. So I believe nurture alone does not a good person make, thus the idea of the existence of a soul/spirit.
I look at my husband now and see nothing worth my time. he’s very good at emulating a kind human being, (with his friends and at the beginning of our relationship) but the emulation pool was very shallow and evaporated very quickly! He was not able to keep up his pretence any longer as I question everything….life, universe, reality, technology, psychology..etc, etc
I’ve just received a few more books from Amazon …one is called “Stalking the Soul” and the other “Why does he do that?” and the predominant theme (to me) is the absolute soullessness of the perpetrator. I’m starting to think that “Sociopath and psychopath” are psychiatric terms to descibe narcissists lack of a soul/spirit.
I hope this makes sense? … it sort of helps me see that no matter what I do around the house, no matter how hard I try to nurture and support, acknowledgement, appreciation or validation will never come from him. He is a dead thing. Dead things have nothing inside except putrefaction.
Just had to share my insights … I’ve just realised the time, it’s very very late … no wonder my spelling was so bad (spellchecker had a workout!) … such is my relief at him being away for a whole week!
Thankyou to all of you for caring enough to respond and help, it does make a difference to me and hopefully when I feel more able and stronger I’ll be able to do the same for another. x*x
23rd June 2016 at 4:46 pm #19931SerenityParticipant
Yes, I think my ex ‘mimics being human.’ He really is soulless. His reaction to upsetting events proves it, his failure to be moved by things…
I too don’t believe it’s just nurture. It’s genetic I think, at times. I think my ex is so like his dad- and his dad has zero empathy and is rough, uncouth and self-centred.
Have you looked up the ‘reptilian stare’? This is what my ex has. He might be chatting and laughing to someone to put on a front, but his eyes- if you look closely enough- are weirdly empty.
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