I feel stuck with the n********t

[Startingpoint123]

I had to make a new account as I was afraid he seen a tab I left open on my phone!
I have just started therapy for n********tic abuse, Ive only had one session but it feels so good for my experience to be validated.

So why do I still doubt whether it’s abuse? I hate him and I can’t stand to be around him but I love him and can’t be without him?

I know what he is doing to me now, I’ve educated myself as much as I can on the tactics of abuse, been reading my books and everything but the prospect of leaving is still so terrifying. It’s like I’m living a double life, in my head I’m in turmoil, I hate him and find it hard to function day to day and I can’t wait to be away from him. But outwardly I am in love, devoted to him and excited about our future together.

We are moving into our new home on (detail removed by moderator) and I’m dreading it. I am completely dependent on him financially. It is like he is my dad sometimes. He has made it so I rely on him for EVERYTHING, the prospect of being by myself and having to do normal things independently frightens me.

Sometimes I think “maybe he will be the one to change” or “maybe I can keep up this act and it will be fine”. I’m in denial but I know I’m in denial so how does that even make sense.

I also keep thinking, maybe it’s best if he leaves me and then the choice is taken away from me. Even though the thought of him leaving me makes me feel sick, it has to be me leaving him.

I have SO many thoughts it’s all consuming all the time. I hope the therapy will help

[gettingtired]

Hey, it felt really weird reading your post because I feel exactly the same as you and I could have written what you’ve said. I feel like I’m living a double life as well. It’s so hard isn’t it.. it just consumes my thoughts all day, every day at the moment.
Does he ever leave the house without you? Mine never does at the moment so I feel stuck. I’m afraid when a particular date comes up when he’ll be out for the day I’m going to have to pack up and leave without telling him. I’m afraid I won’t be able to though, that I’ll be too consumed with guilt and fear. Also, I don’t know about you but I feel guilty for plotting to leave behind his back.
I hope therapy can help you. I’m waiting to hear from local domestic abuse service but the initial assessment helped me when they told me I’m being controlled and that it’s just become normal life for me. I think it helps when someone else can confirm what you’re experiencing is wrong.
I hope you’re ok xx

[Startingpoint123]

Hey getting tired,

I’m so sorry that we are in the same boat but I am glad that you can relate because it is so relieving to hear validating stories that we can relate to isn’t it!! It’s the same for me it’s all I think about the thoughts are just nonstop.
Luckily he does he goes to work for a few hours most mornings so I get a few hours to myself. I can’t imagine what it’s like being with him literally 24/7, I bet you feel consumed!

I have done that a few times, packed up while he wasn’t in but ive even took extra long to do it or made sure that there was a possibility of him coming home to stop me leaving (I’m embarrassed to say). It’s the worst thing being stuck in your own mind!

Every morning I wake up and tell myself if I just have the strength to leave today, the rest of my life and the healing can start and I can be happy again at some point. But every day I don’t leave and feel even worse in myself it’s such a draining cycle.

And that’s so true about it becoming normal life. We wont even see a lot of what is happening or how damaging it is because it has become normal. It’s like being constantly conditioned by them and because you don’t have much time away from him you have no time to think for yourself or see it. I’m so sorry for you lovely 🙁 if you want to go into more detail or discuss anything else you can always personal message me 💕

[Busyditch]

I actually can not believe what I’m reading! You have both described my life way better than I could! I’ve recently been offered a safe house for me and my youngest son (teenage) by a local abuse charity. My GP is very aware and supportive, my sons school councillor is aware and yet I’m absolutely petrified and feel so alone. I want to curl up in a ball and hide away and when I come out it’s all done for me. I’ve got so many worries so many questions… it is a physical pain I struggle to function under the weight of the pressure I feel. 😓

[Freedompoppy]

I felt the same! Everything you wrote. I don’t know if this would help, but HG Tudor on YouTube helped me understand more who I was dealing with. It was like he knew my ex… it’s scary. Knowledge is power apparently. I can’t remember the amount of times I left only to get pulled back. I’m only (detail removed by Moderator) weeks free and it is hard. But it’s harder in it.

[Busyditch]

HG Tutor on you tube? I don’t know why, but I’m a bit hesitant to search it yet I think I probably should. What is it? Documentary?

[Freedompoppy]

If you don’t feel ready then don’t, but my friend put me on to him, he explains n********t. Emotional abuse, it’s helped me but everyone is different. I just wanted to share what I felt helped and it did. I listen to him everyday and he explains all the behaviours. It’s so hard and I’m only (detail removed by Moderator) weeks free of contact. If u ever want to talk give me a message. X

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