I feel stupid and emotionally torn

[anotherlife]

I’ve been on here before, the end of last year when we were having our worst problems. I won’t go in, but we’ve been together a long time and have 2 children. I’m not working due to bad (physical) health and though trying to get a job, my health issues will never improve.
We had an awful time after I had an operation last year, he took so much out on me because I couldn’t do much and wasn’t physical with him. It blew up the worst it ever has (but he’s ever been violent) and we had a make or break, I told him how he’d been and he seemed to understand he was totally out of order. Things settled.
He works very hard with a stressful job but provides well financially. I can’t fault him in this way. But he has started again, to stake things out on our younger child, picking, saying stuff, threatening to take her favourite cuddly toy away when she’s not up in time etc, just mean stuff. He’s started picking at me again the last few days, which I know is due to work stress. Then he went off on one at me today and stormed off to work, not even speaking to the kids.
One of the worst things is that similar to Pixie’s comments today, he pressures me for sex, I can’t do full sex due to my health issues but he hassles me and I end up doing everything else he wants and I feel it’s worse as we get older, as he wants to do things we didn’t before. In reality, I don’t want to even touch him. He says I’m important and he couldn’t manage without me, but I know it’s because he’s trying to get round me. I am a kind and caring person, to my kids and everyone but I don’t want to be with him, I feel used and dirty and pressured. I know it must make him feel rejected but I have high pain levels, 24/7 and get so little sleep, I just want a hug and to be told one day I’ll be ok, but I dread going to bed for the reasons above.
I stupidly thought that when we had our crisis last year, that we understood each other a little better. If it was just me at the time, I would have separated but I was in a panic because of the kids and the financial situation. I have no savings, no job, no confidence, health problems.
But I don’t want my kids living with it, if it happens again. My son is a few years older and might want to be with his dad (only just high school age thoug), my daughter loves me but can be a real handful, as she has his temperament (his dad was controlling and violent and his mum gave in all the time while he belittled her). I never thought it would get like this. I can’t really discuss it with my daughter as she has a habit of letting things out but I want to know how she really feels. I wish it was easier and we could just leave. In my heart, a lot of the time, I feel like I hate him.

[IrisAtwood]

Hi anotherlife, your post is so sad and ypu spund so hopeless. Things can be different, although I understand that it doesn’t feel like that and it won’t be easy to change.
You’ve obviously read Pixie’s thread and much of the responses to her apply to you too. No one should be pressured into sex, made to feel used and dirty, that, as you know, is abuse.
There are ways forward once you have made up your mind. Imagine a life where you are free from the sexual and emotional abuse he inflicts, where you can rest and sleep when you need to and where you can be yourself. It is possible, although it will mean that you lose the financial security – but really – what price do you put on your health and wellbeing?
You’ve taken a step by posting here and the next steps are also on this site – phone numbers and contacts for organisations that can help.

[Go green light]

It sounds like he is using the work stress as an excuse. But you are obviously concerned aobut his behaviour and the impact it is having on you and your kids, for the fact that you are posting on here.

My ex used to put a lot of emotional pressure on me to have sex and made out like he couldn’t cope if he didn’t get sex. I remember particularly feeling under pressure soon after I had given birth! He wouldn’t speak to me after I refused him. I ended up giving in because I couldn’t cope with the hassle of him sulking when I had a newborn baby.

Also he would involve the kids in his moods by walking through a room and not speaking to them, because he was angry at me. And yet he was able to control his feelings in other situations eg with people at work. But all he did was make excuses to me because he had mental health problems.

I have now realised there is no excuse for abusive behaviour and we should not be made to feel responsible for how our abusers are feeling.

I have just mentioned this in another post but the Freedom Programme really helped me.

[Author]

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