I feel trapped

[Anonymous]

Hi this is my first time posting about what’s happening in my life so please be patient while I give a little history. My daughters father & I got back together nearly (detail removed by moderator) years ago, after he had been out of both our lives for 6 yrs. initially life was perfect. It was so good that when I had to move out of my flat, we agreed that we should move into his house as it was a much nicer area, better sch etc! Within a couple of wks of moving in he became very aggressive if my daughter did anything wrong ie: water on the carpet, he would go mad & shout at her reducing her to tears. He progressively got worse over the coming months. I want to point out that he treats the house like a hostel & it was up to me to do all cleaning etc. I couldn’t work as we had no childcare & our daughter was only (age removed by moderator) so too young to be left alone. I didn’t drive & my family lived (detail removed by moderator) miles away, without the £10 I needed for public transport my visits became less & less as he made excuses that he was too busy earning money to take care of us to take me over to see them. It got to the point where he was so controlling, ie our daughter could only use 2 sheets of toilet roll, she had a 6 minute timer for her showers, I could only do washing once a week, I wasn’t allowed to use the heating without permission. His rage was terrible. I would constantly cover if my daughter did something wrong, I would say id done it to spare her his temper. He never actually hit us, but when he was in a rage he would launch at us pointing his finger in our faces screaming & shouting at us. I argued constantly with him about his treatment of our daughter. He would always say I’m too soft & she needs to learn when to shut up! The final straw was when he burst into her room when they were arguing, she’s a very private child & she had no pants on. Obviously she was hysterical, he moved towards her & I grabbed him for fear that today was the day he was going to cross that line & hit her. He stormed out & I held my sobbing little girl in my arms. He also had a habit of theowing things when he was angry. I decided that day we were moving out. I gradually started saying that I needed to move back to my family & friends so I could work & our daughter could be back with her old friends. She never settled at the new sch & became very withdrawn from everything. Spending all her time in her room. I had tried for (detail removed by moderator) months to make it work but he was getting worse. I was walking on eggshells, I would warn my daughter to “keep her head down” if dad was in a mood. He would always complain that I wasn’t doing enough to help him & I was always too soft on her. It was my fault she’s strong minded. In (month removed by moderator) we moved out, I told the council the real reason & we were placed in a refuge. Initially things were better. He seemed like the old dad & he was making an effort to spend quality time with us. He never knew we were in a refuge. I decided I was going to end the relationship after Xmas. I didn’t want to spoil my daughters Xmas by splitting the family up so I played along. In the new year we talked & he promised he wanted to change. I went with him to his GP & he got details of talking therapies to try & help with his issues. I believed him & decided to give him another chance. My daughter & I moved in to our own flat over Xmas & for a while things seemed to be getting better. She was singing again & happy to be back with her old friends. She told me she was happy because dad couldn’t bully her anymore. I told her he was going for therapy & wanted to change. Gradually things with my daughter seemed to fall apart. She went from being student of the yr at her old sch to getting excluded from lessons & detention after detention for bad attitude. She was pulling away from me, she had started cutting her arms & legs. I took her to the GP & we started family therapy, just me & her. She would always say I can’t bring dad here it would hurt him too much if I told him how he’d made me feel. Over the next 8 weeks we worked on our relationship & she made improvements with me, but at sch she was getting worse. A month ago she started behaving recklessly taking risks like jumping off buildings. The other end of her mood would be absolute dispare, she started talking about wanting to die when she was in that dark mood. I already locked up any sharp objects, but she would just take pencil sharpeners from sch to self harm. I locked up all medication that was in our home. A week ago she admitted that she had taken an overdose of my tablets before I locked them away. I also found a stash of my tablets hidden in a box under her bed. When I asked her why she had kept them she said she needed them for the next time. Throughout all of this her dad has been awful. He never went for therapy! He comes to see us once a week & still shouts & loses his temper. I have had my daughter assessed by camhs & they say she needs a shrink & probably medication for severe mental health issues. I’m on suicide watch with her when she is in a low mood & worry when she’s on a high that she’ll hurt herself doing something dangerous. He blames me for her mental health issues as I have had problems in the past. He doesn’t accept he was a monster to live with. Even though she is on the brink of being sectioned he still feels he should be able to “discipline” her as she’s going to turn into a loose cannon if he doesn’t. I’m trying to keep her alive while the assessment team decide what is best treatment wise for her & he still can’t stop bullying her. I desperately want to leave him but I’m terrified it will push my daughter over the edge. I can’t stand him, he txts 10-20 times per day rings constantly & wants to know where I am & who I’m with etc. He doesn’t ask how she is but instead goes on & on about how bad his life is & my being depressed has made him depressed etc. He is so n**********c. I’m just keeping it together for my daughter & myself but don’t know how much longer I can stay with him. I feel so trapped.

[Lisa]

Dear Moogie,

Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

I’m sorry to hear about your situation, it must be difficult for you to see how this has impacted on your daughter. Unfortunately, perpetrators rarely change. They will dress things up with promises of going to therapy or anger management, but will instead use this to continue the abuse.

From what you have said, it does sound like his bullying has contributed heavily to your daughters mental health. I feel the best thing for yours and your daughters well being is to end the relationship and cut all contact with him.

That being said, this is not an easy thing to do as perpetrators are very manipulative and know how to get under our skin! It is also important to not do anything that may escalate the situation. Hopefully, once a good treatment is set up for your daughter this may be the best time to end the relationship with him.

You could access some support around ending an abusive relationship safely, you could contact your local DV service for some one to one support. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Take care and keep posting.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[Anonymous]

Hi
Thank you for understanding Lisa. If I walked away now & my daughter did something, I couldn’t survive that. She is so fragile mentally & I know that the majority of her issues are because of what she went through while we lived with him. I’m hoping that camhs can start her on path to recovery as soon as possible. They have taken it very seriously & she was seen by them 48hrs after my GP referred her. We are very close & she shares almost every part of her life, including how scared she is about how she feels when she is in such a low mood. She really wants to get better. I just hope I can keep her safe until treatment is started. Until then I have to play happy families.

[Author]

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