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    • #14785
      Eve1
      Participant

      Whole load of feelings going around for me and none of them good. It’s not that I think I should be at a certain place by now. I don’t mind that. I,m a good few years out. I just keep going between remembering all the times I’ve felt I was useless or unattractive, I’m talking before my ex, and feeling angry, at my parents and at me, for what, I’m not sure. All of my childhood just prepared me for keeping quiet and not expecting too much. Or dreaming of a happy life, but always comparing myself to someone who had done it better, was happier.

      I have reduced my ad dose, which I will carry on doing. If that doesn’t seem to be helping me either, I’ll do something else. I’m fitting a little bit more exercise in and eating fruit and taking vitamins too.

      I don’t think my husband ever expected me to leave him. He knew all of my insecurities, and what my family was like, how I felt about my Dad. So I’m glad I had that strength. But it wasn’t difficult, because I knew I was right.

      Now that I can think for myself about my future, it feels like it’s too late, or that I’ve got so little time, and I’m just so unemployable. I threw myself into making sure the kids were ok. He wasn’t going to. Now there’s just my daughter at home with me I’m thrown back to all the times I’ve ever felt useless. I think I just shoved it down before and found a way to get out of whatever situation I was in, not to actually do something constructive about it. I know I sound depressed, and at this moment I feel it.

      I met a family friend a few weeks ago, and she was very compassionate. But she said, ‘life is hard’. I think I’ve just railed against that thought all my life and it keeps coming back to me. It doesn’t help me to think like that.

      x

    • #14799
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi Eve1

      Hugs x

      May be you need to talk you your doctor about your medication, it might be too soon to cut down.

      I know its hard but think of all the good things you have done. You got away from you abuser, that shows such strength, you have been there for your children, more strength and love. Your exercising more and eating healthily showing a determination to improve your situation.

      As you get stronger and more confident you can think what to do in the workplace you may want to retrain or go to college.

      This is your time and it never too late.

      You can do this.

      FS xx

    • #14801
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi Eve,

      It’s never to late to start living as your true self.

      To spend precious days doing the things you love and reflect your values- not other people’s.

      Life is hard in so many ways, but there is beauty and not to be had in the everyday, in places we least expect it.

      I think for us people pleasers who have been bullied and pushed about by others, the best day of our lives is the day that we decide that out life is our own, to do with what we will. Once you believe that you have a right to be you and enjoy being you and not just please others, you will be led to things that you have denied yourself up
      until now!

      This doesn’t mean you need to stop being a caring person. You just value yourself too, and want to celebrate your own life, not just be a support act to and crutch- or victim of- others 100% of the time.

      You don’t need others’ permission to be you. You’ve been through so much- every day of being you is precious!

    • #14838
      Eve1
      Participant

      Those are lovely messages.

      x*x

    • #14873
      Eve1
      Participant

      I am fed up of going to the doctors. I don’t feel it really helps. They look at me like I’m a bit mad.

      On this forum, I read about women taking their abusers to court. I was always glad I didn’t have to do that. And I think I was still minimising everything. But I remember one moment in filling out the divorce papers with the solicitor and the question was ,’is the abuse still continuing?’. My immediate response internally was yes! But the solicitor, who is got through my local WA, just paused and waited for my answer. i could sense that this was possibly something major and to be honest I don’t think I knew how to describe it all, or if anyone else would see out as abuse, so I said no. I was afraid of how he’d react. He would have gone ballistic. The solicitor obviously wasn’t that familiar with DV or maybe she just thought it wasn’t worth it. But now I think I should atl east have been able to consider putting yes. I think by that stage she was just wanting to get it over with, and probably so was I. But there must be s feeling of being heard and validated when women successfully expose their exes as abusers.
      Hindsight of 20/20, isn’t it. At least on here no one doubts me.

      xx

    • #14880
      mixed-up mum
      Participant

      Morning Eve – how are you doing today?

      I sympathise with you – I’m also X years out – and still struggling with my confidence.

      I feel stupid, useless and unattractive.

      I think I too was brought up to expect nothing from life – I wasn’t all that bright at school, and left with few qualifications. So it was just expected that I’d marry and be a wife, a mother, and that would be my life, and it has been……
      And in fact still is my life, my kids are my entire life.

      I don’t mind that people I went to school with have gone on to achieve, and got good jobs and nice lives – that was never going to be me….. I’m a stand in the background, say nothing type person, I was never going to do anything with my life, or be anything – but I’ve learnt to accept what life has given me.

      The one brave thing I have ever done in my entire life is leaving my ex – I don’t think he thought I had the courage to ever leave him, but I knew I had to go – we just couldn’t carry on living that life – we lived it way too long……..

      I understand totally when you say you feel it’s “too late”, I feel the same. I’m never going to do anything with my life now, I never have done anything, and that’s not going to change now – I don’t have the courage.

      To me, asking me to do different things in my life is like asking me to jump off of a cliff – I know I will die (fail) – so why do it – stay where it’s safe…..

      There’s no way at my age I’m all of a sudden going to be a confident, outgoing person. I’m stuck with the me that I am – its just what life gives you – some are destined to achieve, others like me will never know how it feels to be good at something – that’s just how my life was meant to be.

      Good things just don’t ever happen to people like me.

      I’m really sorry I’m not more positive, and sending you an encouraging reply, but all the same I wanted you to know I understand how you feel.

    • #14886
      Serenity
      Participant

      Mixed Up Mm,

      I don’t think you give yourself way enough credit.

      You’re not a stand in the background type of person. You left your abuser. That is no mean feat. A lot of apparently confident women would never have the courage to do what you have done. They even put up with their husband’s cruelty and infidelities, because they are too frightened to leave.

      I think you leaving him shows that you have a very strong centre. You just haven’t discovered it fully yet, but it is dying to burst out into full bloom. That is why you felt able to leave him.

      I don’t think you are a non-entity. You have very interesting ideas and you seem full of character. The abuse just made you feel washed out, frumpy and unimportant . If you are in a marriage with someone who doesn’t acknowledge your individuality, that is how you end up feeling.

      It is a hard effort to get yourself back to health, fitness and radiance, as well as confidence. But it can be done. It takes a bit of bravery and a bit of ‘faking it until you make it.’

      Believe in yourself!

    • #14889
      Eve1
      Participant

      Hi M.U.M,

      Thank you. I think we identify with each other. And Serenity is right, what you did was the opposite of standing in the background. And when I talk to you I feel I’m talking to a friend. I appreciate that so much You FEEL like you’re not confident. But that one brave thing you did shows such strength and courage. And even though my post here is pretty negative, I do believe things can change and we can change.

      My problem is not that I’ve never done anything. It’s that I’ve done too many, if anything. I’ve got a certain amount of confidence and that’s what I come up against now. I haven’t got ENOUGH apparently. Now I’m at the point where I think, well this is me now. Take it or leave it.

      We should both listen to those words of Serenity’s. Every day of being is precious.

      X*x

    • #14890
      Eve1
      Participant

      Should day ‘of being us is precious’

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