I feel very uncomfortable when he ISN’T in a mood

[WhichWayIsUp]

Is this something that other people experience? Is it something that can be overcome? (Or; as I suspect; does it all go back to the way it was anyway? This seems most likely, if I’m following my own intuition).

There was a situation last week (I won’t go in to detail, it was an entirely normal situation on the surface, but to anyone here, you’ll know the anxiety it can cause; that type of thing). I held my breath and held my breath and actually: it was all fine. Better than fine. When nothing bad happened I told him, “I’ve got to be honest, I was very anxious in case X, Y, Z made you angry”, he didn’t say “Oh here we go again” or “Even when I’m trying really hard, you get anxious, so what’s the point?” – he said “I’m so sorry that you feel this way, it makes me really sad, and I know it’s all my fault.” And then for a few days he’s been really nice; kind, caring, everything I always daydreamed about.

I feel really – REALLY – uncomfortable. I don’t even know how to describe it, really, but it’s like he’s too close. He’s being overly familiar. Almost – see if you had a work colleague and they started telling you about their most personal, innermost feelings, it would be very awkward and you’d be thinking “this really isn’t appropriate. I don’t know you well enough for you to be telling me all this”. I feel like that. Because my own husband is being kind to me.

Jeez. My head really is a mess.

Anyway! After much rambling, I revert to my initial point!!!!! Do other people feel this way? Does it pass? Or is it, sadly, just a case of “well, you won’t have to wait too long and he’ll fly in to a rage, and you can relax”? 🙁

[CityMum]

WhichWayIsUp I think I know what you mean. I am in the process of divorcing my abuser but when we were trying to work things out he would have spells of being absolutely lovely; asking how my day has been, offering to make me a cup of tea, asking if I wanted to go on an outing, making polite conversation, not exploding when a car cut him up etc.

From his point of view I suppose he wanted me to feel safer and happier because of his nice behaviour but it actually gave me the feeling of dread in my tummy. It made me think that it was part of his controlling behaviour and felt so unnatural for him (and such a complete change from his usual behaviour) that I ended up feeling worse as I was waiting for the explosion. He wanted me to feel grateful for him not have any episodes of anger and said that he ‘was being so good’ but that made me feel much more on edge.

[WhichWayIsUp]

YES, YES. “Being good”. Like a child who really wants to eat all the chocolate cake before dinner but knows they’re not allowed to, so they have to actively force themselves to be good. That always just makes me feel: but don’t normal humans want to be good people, as a starting point? I mean, should it have to be an active choice not to be awful??? x

[fizzylem]

Hi WAIU, kind, loving, respectful relationships are consistant – abusive ones are unpredictable / often chaotic – hence why you feel on edge, you dont know what he’s up to or when it will change again – history has shown this, this is what you’ve come to know. Always listen to your gut feeling, sounds to me like it’s saying hold on, this, he can not be trusted, I need to be ready and alert x

[xxxxhelpxxxx]

You are definitely not alone feeling like that!! He is currently being nice and I still can’t relax knowing that it could all go wrong in an instant. I’m still reserved about what I say and when/how I say it. Then I feel guilty because I still cannot see a long term future with him no matter how much I might want it. For instance, my mum is having surgery (detail removed by moderator) I wanted to go and see her the day before (she lives quite a distance away from me). I mentioned it to him and he said he was thinking of booking the afternoon off work that day (for no particular reason apart from to pee me off).

I looked back at some text messages on an old phone and realised that nothing has change significantly over the last two or more years and that made me sad. Our house rent is overdue for renewal and we weee asked by the agent if we wanted to sign for another 12 months continue with a rolling monthly contract. We haven’t discussed it yet but my gut feeling is screaming to not renew for a year. I think he probably feels the same way but for different reasons. We did talk about moving somewhere cheaper and renewing for a year would make that more difficult. I want to be able to get out of the lease quickly if I wanted to.

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