I feel worse than i ever felt before

[Anabela]

I feel awful. I feel stuck. I feel dirty. I feel a failure. I have never felt this bad even when I was properly with him. I had hope. Hope that if I leave I can always go back home to my country.
So here I am back home. I feel more controlled by my parents than I ever was by him. Yes, they love and care about me and think he is dangerous. Which is not untrue. And i am stuck in between this relationship. My longest no contact lasted (detail removed by Moderator) but then i broke it bc i freaked out sth bad happened to him as i was led to believe that.
He came to my country again and my safe place is fragile again….
But i dont want to tell my parents anything about him. I JUST DONT WANT THAT. I WANT TO BE LEFT IN PEACE. NOT TO BE INTERROGATED. EVEN IF THEY ARE MY PARENTS. my mum talks to my friend behind my back and found out about (detail removed by Moderator). I did not want her to know. She checks my phone call list every single day. If i dont sound happy on a phone (i work and study and there is time when i am physically exhausted) she assumes i am with him and goes to place she assumes hw is staying demanding to see him.
I dont see mtself in this relationship but after breaking no contact i need to do this all over again and i dont have srength yet. And him being in my country makes things harder.
I understand my parents are worried but i dont want to be forced to explain myself. My mum would just start crying and i cant handle that. There have been a lot of secrets in this relationship and I DONT WANT TO BE FORCED TO TELL THEM.
I have no savings and i am stuck in my parents house. I am safe but i dont kn how safe i am to myself. I used to self harm myself after arguments with him. Now i do the same after arguments about hjm with my parents (i dont seek any attention with that as they have no clue about it. It just calms me down). I want peace and quiet. I feel like running away but i have nowhere to run. I feel like a child again and i am a grown up woman. I cant deal with judgement ir them saying that they are getting old and i am still not being able to stand up on my feet. I am so angry and sad and full of negative emotions. I feel i am not in control of my life!!!!!! I need help….. but i just want to be left in peace rather than being made to feel bad about certain lies i used to tell about my relationship…….

[KIP.]

Hey there. You’re still caught in the trauma of the situation. Have you sought councelling where you are or spoken to a local domestic violence service. It’s important to have people round you who know about your situation. I just was not capable of making safe rational decisions so when the police and courts took that off my hands it freed up my headspace. I’ve been reading about trauma lately and how part of our brain, the rational part shuts down and the survival part, fight, flight or freeze takes over. So no wonder you’re exhausted and can’t handle things. I can tell you that he is extremely dangerous. Even if you cannot see it, others can. Trauma bonding. Cognitive dissonance. One day something will click in your head and it will all make sense. Meantime stay safe. I think you should tell your parents the whole story as they deserve to be safe too. Also the police where you are can help if they know his background. You need help. Reach out x your parents are worried for a reason.

[Anabela]

Hi Kip. Thank you for your reply. I feel like I messed my situation up. I made all the good steps but just couldnt handle no contact. I feel I love him too much…. and right now I dont know whats right or wrong anymore. I feel constantly running… i threw myself into studies and work and use it as an excuse that i have no time to make a decision…. i tried 3 councelling sessions but she wasnt a good therapist. Even she herself said she is talking like a woman not a therapist. I felt actually worse snd now feel scared to try another one.
Now he is being so nice that i already forgot what it felt like before. Even the police involvement some time ago on that incident seems so unneeded as if nothing ever happened. There is a quiet voice that i cant go back to him. That he wont change. That its temporary. Although there r still episodes that i am feeling being brainwashed or having to agree with things i am not comfortable with..
Now i feel like i am abusing him for not making up my mind…..

[KIP.]

It’s complicated. If you can try to detach yourself emotionally and learn the psychology behind abuse. For me it was remembering that final assault and how easily he could have killed me. I’m not taking that change again. I love life too much. The pressure eased when I finally ended it, it was the pressure from him afterwards that sent me spiralling. That’s why you need to work on no contact. These men are parasites, he will suck the life from you and you are such a gifted loving person. Don’t let him destroy that x

[Ayanna]

Your parents are probably very worried about your safety and only have the best for you in mind.
You know yourself how dangerous this man is.
You know that he will never change.
You know, Anabela.
Just bring your knowledge from the back of your head to the front and make yourself fully aware of the danger you are in.

Concentrate on studying and working because this is your life, your future.

Keep posting here to get stronger. You need to talk to us more.
Stay safe x*x

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Anabela,
Sorry you’re having such a rough and confusing time. They are experts at messing with our heads and brain washing us into believing their lies and illusions. The other ladies are right you need to take a step back to see the truth, the bigger picture. Having contact with him is like continuing to take poison, you’ll never feel better and heal. I know you say you’re still in love with him, but you’re actually in love with the illusion he built to draw you in like they all do. It’s really hard to accept it was a lie, but it only gets worse. That’s what they mean when they agree to change and try harder- to change tactics and control you another way without you realising. Protect yourself Anabela, or he will suck the life out of you and end your promising future. You deserve so much better. I ignored my parents and stayed with my abuser and have been unhappy and suffering with mental health issues ever since. Good luck with your journey 😊

[Anabela]

Thank you KIP, Ayanna, and Freedomfighter. You are so right… I probably been fighting with the only people who care about me more than anything… And it’s like I know the theory very well, just struggle to put that into practice…I probably need to read all those books all over again as only when I read it, it brings me back to reality.
I know I know I know he won’t change. because they don’t change. And he is a typical abuser from a book.
I am just so exhausted of all those feelings and pain. Hihgs and lows. I dont like feeling pity for myself. But today I just feel: why me? Why all this is happening to me? Why I can’t be in a peaceful, loving, respectful relationship with a man who adores me and gives me security. I want to be a mum so badly.
I so wish I could just get on a plane, switch my phone and go somewhere nice by the sea. and not to think. about anything. Just swim in a sea, and have no thoughts at all (funny enough, that’s exact picture I was having when some time ago he was having a verbal assault on me and i tried to think of something to stop hearing him). due to exams, work and no money, I can’t just run away like that unfortunately. but i so wish I could……

[KIP.]

There’s plenty time to find a good decent man and have a family but not while you’re being drained by a parasite. Start writing down all the abuse again and how it made you feel. The exhaustion comes from trying to stay on high alert to keep safe. Your body is pumping adrenaline and cortisol round your body, straining to stay alert. It’s exhausting x

[Author]

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