I felt like I was in The Truman Show or The Matrix

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

For those of you who left a while ago I just wondered if memories of the abuse still get to you and the fact that you were deceived?

I am so much better than I was and have been making good albeit fairly slow progress. But fairly often I still feel kind of floored thinking of how badly I was deceived. Part of me still can’t quite believe what a ‘long con’ he was playing and how convincing his mask was. It still sometimes just gets to me and I have to sit for a while and let the thoughts of it go through my mind and sometimes journal about it.

I’m wondering how long this will go on for and when if ever will it finally feel resolved in my head and I will be fully at peace again. I do feel at peace a lot of the time now which is great, I just wish memories of being conned and abused didn’t bother me at all now. But I suppose having written that and read it out loud, it’s a horrible thing for anyone to go through and maybe it will always be a painful memory?

Today what I’m struggling with is:
1. Remembering how lovely and sweet, kind and a good listener he seemed at first. I was so impressed with him being well groomed, gentlemanly, respectful etc when the other men I’d dated just before him were all dreadful.
2. Thinking that I spent so much time with this person building what I thought was a wonderful happy new relationship when all the time he was this deceitful psychopath. It’s like I was setting up home with a troll dressed up as a prince and I was completely blind to his true colours.
3. Out of all the men I dated he was one of the last people I’d ever expect to be a psychopathic abuser. Not in a million years. And that bothers me badly.
4. I still have some cognitive dissonance and memories of him are like of two different people.
5. I think I still feel sad and wish the mask had been real because if it had I would have maybe still been in a real, loving relationship by now.

I think this all falls under deceit. Maybe PTSD from deceit. It makes me question my ability to judge character and second guess people’s actions. I’m always listening and watching people for red flags now.

I was triggered badly recently by a case in America where a man has just murdered his wife and their children. He was on the news nonchalantly and fairly convincingly pretending to not know where they were when he’d killed and buried them the night before – so shocking and horrific it is hard to fathom. What triggered me was that he had a similar mask to my ex – a seemingly sweet, quiet, gentle, family man. Luckily police saw through this man’s mask and found a lot of evidence against him and he is now behind bars, but not before he committed murder of an innocent family. He had also been cheating on her with multiple people. A textbook sociopath.

I feel sick and haunted a lot knowing I was probably with someone similar to that. I drove over to a sociopath’s house multiple nights a week, spent hours with him, shared all my hopes and dreams with him, slept in his bed, made plans with him. Had so many conversations with him and thought he was this wonderful man I was so lucky to meet. And all the time he was a sociopath conning me, and I had no idea! All of those conversations were all fake. He must have told me hundreds of lies and I had absolutely no idea. Ugh.

I always liken it to the Truman Show or The Matrix, if that makes sense. Realising your world is completely, spectacularly false and you had no idea. It makes you feel sick and has a long lasting effect. Can anyone relate?

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Sunshinerainflower, it’s nice to hear from you again💛
I guess the answer is pertinent to each person individually, everyone heals at their own pace. I’m not sure if the length of time you were with your oh has any input into how long it will take or if it truly is how your own psyche will deal with it.
We definately dig, delving deep within, looking for a sign, any sign that we may have missed. But, it was never about us, they chose us, they saw something in us that they inadvertently or consciously wanted to own and destroy. It’s really that simple. The more I read, even though I’m still with him, the calmer I am and accept that I will one day leave, it’s inevitable, like a country fighting fir independence, we do the same within our relationship.
IWMB 💕💕

[KIP.]

I can absolutely relate to your story. Every now and again I have that dreadful feeling of shock when I think about how he conned me. And how he took pleasure in doing so. These moments are fairly rare now. I think the more your self esteem and self confidence grow, the smaller and more insignificant he will seem. People are conned every day in different ways. We can’t take responsibility for it. But we can learn from our experience. No experience is wasted if we learn from it. I’ve got a second chance at life. Many women are trapped till death frees them. I consider myself very very lucky x

[diymum@1]

I think we try to understand that persons psyche and then realise these men were probably n********ts. Being normal people were not going to get oud head around them and im glad ☺I think theres a time of denial,anger about it though , deep loss and emotion then finally acceptance.It can take years. I was looking at a psychology blog the other day and in bereavement it’s the same denial,searching,anger,deep depression,emotion,acceptance. It was Kubler Ross who had this theory. It’s a natural process apparently and we can get stuck in some phases. I can wait to get to the full acceptance stage xx I think with DV it’s the fear and anxiety that is so debilitating xx 💕 💕 DIY ✌

[KIP.]

I think ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ is a great book. Years of trauma is retained deep down and until we deal with it and get it out, it’s there waiting to sting us when we least expect it. I think we live with damaged mental health on a daily basis and over time we simply learn to repair and adjust and use techniques for coping. It will always be a work in progress but just think how far you’ve come from those early days x

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Sunshinerainflower, I totally relate to what you are saying. Like lots of us I truly thought he was my soulmate pouring all my love and energy into building a life,family and home together. With no idea of what he had done and what was to come. Still cant go there fully, too confusing.
Well done for getting out. I have been out for awhile but still have some bad days with triggers and flashbacks wondering how and why ? Sometimes get overwhelmed by sadness and that he wouldn’t do the perpetrator program. Do you have contact ? Am on modified contact which sets me back sometimes with the manipulative moves.
Are you doing any counselling? I find the CBT helps and the writing part is good for working through stuff, hard work emotionally though,sometimes I don’t want to go.
That was absolutely terrible what happened to that poor woman and her babies. An evil murderer and woman are getting killed every week by these men. Terrifying.
I feel extremely grateful to have my kids, my freedom and my life.
All the best x

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you ladies, everyone here is always so helpful and gets it. What a great forum.

ApricotPoppy I was having counselling but unfortunately I got a bad vibe that the therapist was a n********t and sure enough her true colours showed so I ended it and am waiting to hear if there is anything else available. I don’t have any contact with him thankfully but this is partly why it bothers me – that he still has a sort of power over my thoughts even though I’ve not seen him in ages. It lessens a bit each week but is definitely a slow process.

KIP I have that book in my Amazon basket, it’s one of the ones I plan to read (I have a long list I’m working through!). You’re right I think it will help me especially as I come from a dysfunctional family and have an emotionally abusive brother and at times parents too. So I know I have damage caused by all of this since childhood, it was only because my ex was so bad that I suddenly woke up and saw everything clearly.

DIYmum I will check out Kubler Ross, thank you. I have definitely felt stuck in certain stages since ending things and it is not a good feeling.

Iwantmeback thank you and I hope you manage to leave safely soon. 🙂

[diymum@1]

It’s used in dying terminally I’ll patients and people grieving for any kind of loss although obviously the first is one of the worst. I suppose it’s dealing with any kind of loss including hopes a dreams, your relationship. It’s comforting because you know this is a natural reaction. Kubler Ross doesn’t give away any hints on how to move on from these stages but I think that’s may time. They do say time is a great healer. I hope so ☺💪💕💕diy

[Author]

Posts