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My best friend, who my ex hated (and she wasn’t too fond of him) came for dinner. I finally told her that what I’ve been experiencing is domestic abuse and that’s why it took me soooo long to make him leave. She never understood why I didn’t just kick him out, why I kept letting him back etc. I couldn’t really explain it other than the fact I’m just weak willed and hate confrontation, I’m peace keeper by nature. She said she knows that it was abuse and i think she’s glad i finally realised it for myself and got the confirmation I need (from you guys on here and the helpline).
I’m still struggling to think of exact examples of when it happened, all I can think of is the anxiety and having to mentally build up to saying that I was going to see my family for a few hours with my little girl. He treats her like a possession.
Anyway, no real point to this post, I just wanted to write down somewhere that I was glad that I talked to my friend who I had been somewhat alienated from when he was still living at my house.
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It’s incredibly difficult to explain to people who haven’t experienced abuse and I struggled to find the words at first.
Their behaviour is so ingrained into every aspect of our lives and it’s not easy or necessarily safe to just ‘kick them out’. Abusers condition us over a period of time and our worlds shift in tiny fragments until we look around and wonder how we got there.
Reading Why Does He Do That? helped and I’ve also started the Freedom Program which is helping to peel back the layers.
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Maybe you feel something like me:
I’ve realised that although I was wildly in love with him at first, at some point the love was userped by fear, as he slowly proved himself to be very different from the person he first appeared to be.
I couldn’t distinguish between the two, because love and fear are both very intense feelings, and produce similar chemicals.
It was fear that made me stay. Fear because he’d broken down my independence, fear he would hurt me if I left or fear he would try to systematically destroy me- fears which turned out to be right!
I’m not talking about fear of immediate physical danger only- but deep, psychological fear that this human being capable of such strong negative emotions ( anger, jealousy etc) might turn on me and my children.
This is what kept me immobilised.
People who say ‘Just leave’ don’t understand. Most often the victim is broken, disempowered, self-blaming and often terrified- or they have a sickening sense of foreboding. Better the devil you know etc.
The journey post-abuse is difficult at first, but I would say for me it’s been both painful and beautiful. I’ve gone through terrible pain, but experienced many beautiful moments which are all the more poignant because of what I escaped.
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BTM sounds a positive move…having a heart to heart with your friend about ‘it all’..and at least starting to process it all and begin to move forward with small steps.
We all agree it is quite impossible to unravel the whole relationship…too many layers minutes hours years of repeated behaviour, as the other ladies have said & I agree, ingrained fear confusion disempowered & after years,in my case, realisation all spring into mind.
Difficult to express the actuality of toxic, you have to be there, feel it, live it to know. I think your friend will at least have a better understanding from you and she cares about you, which no doubt feels like support.
It’s a journey of recovery which is bitter sweet. Your health & well being is the priority xC -
Reading about other people’s stories also helped me articulate the dynamics of an abusive relationships to people that don’t understand.
Refuge website has a number but I found this yesterday too:
https://www.theguardian.com/society/ng-interactive/2015/jun/02/domestic-violence-five-women-tell-their-stories-of-leaving-the-most-dangerous-time
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