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One of my ex boyfriends exes contacted me after tracking me down and reading about my case. He has been using her for years and years, during the times we were broken up. I feel so awful for her, and he has spun her lies upon lies about me and the assault. She was led to believe I was the one that attacked him that night, and he was scared for his won safety.
The worst of it though is that I found out he slept with her the night after he assaulted me…hours after spending all day at mine begging for my forgiveness, before we even broke up.
I feel devastated and sick. I am glad I can help this girl, and can tell she is heart broken after years of manipulation and now realising the truth of it all, but I really did not need to know all of this. I have been happy and moved on, met someone else and been at peace. This has decimated that peace and I cannot stop thinking about it. I feel anxious the moment I wake up again, crying uncontrollably, realising the last few years of my life have been a complete lie.
All I want to do is tell him I know everything and go nuts, but I obviously cannot and will not contact him. It’s consuming me. To learn all of this in the thick of healing has set me back – knowing he slept with someone else the night after assaulting me…I cannot grapple with it. I am devastated.
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I know how you feel, I found out similar then I thought how he sunk low enough to to abuse and assault me, why should I be surprised that he cheated too. My ex even involved our son in covering it up. His dysfunctional cruel behaviour has no reflection on you. It wasn’t you that behaved that way. I ended up telling myself it was just another form of abuse and good riddance to bad rubbish he did me a favour x it’s triggering you and bring up old trauma. That will take time to subside. Take a step back and don’t get dragged back into it all x
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The cheating hasn’t come as too much of a surprise to me (well it has, but if he can assault me he is capable of anything), it’s WHEN he did it. The night after the assault, it absolutely sickens me and I don’t know how to reconcile it in my brain. How heartless could you be?
Even after what he did, I genuinely believed all this time that he loved me. Now I know that all these years have been a complete lie, and a game. How can I ever trust anyone again? :'(
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Who knows what sick things turn them on but I know they have zero moral compass. It sounds like she was just a convenient place for him to go when you didn’t want him. My ex had someone else in the wings. He would go to her and play the victim. Don’t try to work it out. Trust is earned so that’s how I will look on a new relationship but I refuse to allow him to destroy my faith in human beings. He was just a monster and a bad mistake I once made and I’m correcting that mistake x
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True, I feel sorry for her. She was desperate for a relationship with him all the while he wanted me and just ran to her whenever we broke up. He has used her more than he used me – but I said to her she is lucky she didn’t end up having a relationship with him. If he had spent time with her and committed to her, it would have likely been her that was assaulted and not me. He makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t want it to destroy my faith in others, but I have no idea how I will ever trust anyone else especially my new partner. It’s decimated my peace and happiness x
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You will pick yourself back up, like we always do and move on slowly and regain your confidence in your ability to judge people. It all takes time. Just take baby steps just now. All this will be shocking and triggering to you but once that subsides, you will see the bigger picture and that his deception was his shame. You don’t need to carry it for him. We just have to trust again and move onwards and upwards. Don’t judge others by his behaviour x
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Shows us so well how cold and callous they really are, how little respect these men have for women; that they see us as here to serve and meet their needs and not much else. There is no loyalty or no one special person for these men, just the next – thing is, it’s them that miss out on the joy of feeling truly close and attached to someone.
Disgusting behaviour CF! Do what you need to do process this; it won’t set you back, it’s a wobble and you will get past this. Has given you a bit more insight and affirmed you were right, he is a vile pig (which is an insult to a pig of course!) x
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I feel so sorry for this girl, she is still caught in his clutches (even though it’s clear to her he is using her and stringing her a long). I don’t know whether or not to continue helping her? Will this be any good for my mental health? I have recommended she come here for some extra support as I’m not sure it is in my best interests to be involved with someone currently connected to him…even if she does need my help.
It’s all hit me like a brick to the face. He controlled me and manipulated me for years, pressured me into a relationship, wouldn’t let me have guy mates or hang out with men, accused me of being untrustworthy – it was him all along. Classic cheater. And whenever I didn’t want him he ran to this poor girl and used her until he got me back. But at least he has never cared enough to physically harm her…though he may still..what do I do! x
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It’s an awful position to be in for sure; part of you wants to help a fellow woman; but the other part tells you it’s wise not get involved. No contact doesn’t just extend to him face to face, it means having no contct with him directly or indirectly. Youve worked hard at trying to put him out of sight and out of mind – and now he’s back in your mind – I think you’d be best to work on putting him out again. Seperating from them both. Thinking the only time this is any different is when we need a third party for child arrangements or when our solictor is the go between – and clear firm boundaries are already in place to enable this.
I’ve thought about this, his new partner contacted me asking is there anything she should know before moving in with him – I declined to comment, saying this would anger him and there will be consequences that effect my daughter, so I can’t, she said she was with someone who lied about everything previously, and I said it sounds like we have a very similar history then. Thinking this was enough to make her ask more questions – she didn’t and moved her and her child in with him. She doesnt know the half of what he still puts us through to this day – blissfully, unaware – mostly. I did ask for her help once – since she’d emailed me and opened the line of communication, just to ask would you keep an eye on my child when her older brother is there due t historical bullying – make sure they are not left alone together – she declined.
Has left me thinking, that there will be a time I know she would really appreciate a chat with me at some point – likely when she feels she’s going mad – so I’ve decided that when that time comes I will direct her to WA and maybe rec a couple of books and that is all.
She has been pulled into this, lied to, kept in the dark yes, but she has also contributed to the distress me and my child have experienced by choosing to remain ignorant and stand by her man regardless of the distress she knows is going on – which she absolutely does from time to time. Ignorance is no line of defence in court – so thinking it shouldnt be here either. She’s been happy not to help or get involved – failing to see she is involved and that my child needed her to act – a number of times now.
As much as you feel you want to help this woman, maybe you’ve done enough already? By confirming the facts. You know what it is like to deal with him, so maybe she needs WA now. You cant save her or help really, only she can do this and you don’t know what would be the consequences to you helping either. You do know which support services she may need though so could pass this info on.
My vote would be put them both out CF x
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I agree with fizzylem. Contact with her will trigger you and you really don’t know if she still has contact with him or will in future. My ex moved in with the woman he was having the affair with and she already knew he was violent with me. She chose not to act on that and moved him in with her children. She supported him and lied about me so she burned her bridges in my eyes. She’s on her own and I’d direct her to women’s aid too although she was already there with her first husband.
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