26th February 2016 at 11:05 pm #10531OsieParticipant
I was raped by my ex when were together and it has taken me until now to find the words to say it. I have had pictures in my head for over a year with no voice to go with them. Now the words have come I have been hit with every emotion possible and I just want to die. My brain has no peace. I can’t sleep, I am exhausted and I feel suffocated. I am not going to kill myself , it is a strange feeling, like an option for peace and quiet. is this normal
26th February 2016 at 11:44 pm #10539SilkyHalideParticipant
It’s very normal. But it is the start of getting better.
You’ve managed to open the flood gates. And it is overwhelming. But just like a flood water will drain away and dry up. Each time you talk about it the pain will get a bit less and so it’s vital to keep talking. Even if you have a break, stop the words for a bit, you can still carry on where you left off.
My previous partner before my current ex raped me. I never told anyone until recently, I felt to ashamed because people knew when he left me I wanted him back and that wouldn’t make sense to them.
26th February 2016 at 11:45 pm #10540SerenityParticipant
Well done for being so brave and trusting everyone here with your truth.
We are privileged to be the ones to listen.
There are a number of women here who have been through rape and will be able to help you on this score. I just wanted to post and say that you aren’t alone. Have you considered maybe calling Rape Crisis now that you have found the words? They may be able to direct you to specialised, local support.
I didn’t really understand what you were trying to say in your final lines- when you asked what is normal?
26th February 2016 at 11:51 pm #10541Peaceful PigParticipant
Well done Osie. It’s absolutely overwhelming when reality hits home. Your mind has protected you from these feelings for a long time, you must be safe enough to feel this now. Do anything you can to keep you in the present moment and reminded of your safety. Sometimes I just repeat over and over “I am safe, I am safe”. I felt suicidal when I realised some of the things that had happened to me. I found the Samaritans excellent (you don’t have to be suicidal to call them!). My local rape crisis charity have also been a fantastic support. Gather as much support around you as you can and know it won’t feel this intense forever x*x
27th February 2016 at 7:42 am #10549InneedofsomepeaceParticipant
Well done osie, it is so hard to find those words isn’t it, i still struggle sometimes to say that word, my husvand also did it to me. I ofton find when i say the word i ofton follow it with but it couldnt have been that he was/is my husband. But i know it was.
I think your feelings are very normal, i ofton think of death. As a way of finding peace a way of making it all go away, like you though i wont do it simple because i have to young children that need me, i have to live for them not me but them.
You have taken a really brave step saying what he did to you, you shpuld be so proud of yourself take care of yourself now, keep posting we are all here to support you.xx
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