I gave him the reaction he wanted. I’m so stupid.

[Thinkingitsme]

He wanted a raise out of me I’ve done so well but I was the one shouting 😭 can’t believe I was the one screaming an shouting its not fair I’ve been so good at not let him see how much his words affect me. But today it all come out. He kept push an pushing for a reaction and it happened. I feel so bad and guilty because it was in front of our daughter. I can’t believe it I feel like I’ve let her down I didnt want this to be around her thats why I ended the relationship (detail removed by moderator) years i put up with it the control the emotional abuse but He’s playing the victim. She’s staying with him this weekend and I didnt even get to give her a kiss or a cuddle before she went. I don’t know how much more I can take. I just want her to come home. I been trying so hard not to give him a reaction and I’ve ruined it. He knows exactly what he’s doing every weekend I have abusive texts phone calls at 1am just to have a go at me. but I still let him come into my home an let him get away with what he says to me because i dont want the hassle but doesn’t matter because theres always something . Then I blow up because he wouldn’t listen to the answer I give him so then I shout because he isn’t listening to me. then it’s like oh look your shouting i dont desive this telling my daughter its mummy fault not mine. Look at you your crazy, leaving my house saying he haven’t done anything wrong. Can’t believe I gave him the reaction. Ffs I feel so bad shouting in front of my girl. Why can’t he just stop I’ve been out of this relationship for (detail removed by moderator)  months n it’s no better I’m still having c**p off him yet he makes out that he doesn’t do anything wrong. Now he’s texting me (detail removed by moderator). Making out like I’m the one in the wrong he just can’t see what he’s doing to me. I don’t know what to do.

[Plodding]

Hi thinkingitsme I feel so angry for you I’m gritting my teeth reading this because he absolutely does know and he feels so entitled and he doesn’t care about the impact he is having . Makes me so mad hearing this and making you feel guilty when you have done the right thing leaving and prioritising your daughter and he still tries to get to you 🤯🤬. You havnt done anything wrong and he knows you havnt really he just wants you to think this so he feels better . It’s all about power and control just remember that . Your reaction is normal human reaction and have dare he ! Watch dr Romani in utube x

[Twisted Sister]

hi thinkingitsme

try to remember you are human. Under so much pressure! I, well, we all, know how hard they push for that ‘bite’ back, ah! they’ve got you, they wind and wind and poke and poke.

I remember the moment it hit me that what he was saying wasn’t real, that he tried this, and then that, and when that didn’t work, something else…and on it went, and suddenly I realised none of it was real, it was only about the hurting, the provoking, the poking and prodding until you go bang! I can’t take any more! and there, they’ve got you. They’ve done it again, but I defy anyone to keep unhooking those claws, and again and again and aagain and AGAIN, and not get just a little weary of it, and reactionary to it.

The only way is to take back your control, and control your life, control your interactions like most people manage to keep their boundaries in check and assert their own lines of communication.

Don’t beat yourself up about this, its nigh on impossible to ever achieve anything with these abusers, just shut him out, its the only way.

warmest wishes

ts

[liftingthefog]

Hi there,
I had to answer your post as I can feel your disappointment in yourself. Please don’t, your human and yes that is the reaction he wanted.
I’ve lived for five years with this not recognising it and making the same human mistake as you.
He used everything in his armoury to cause me to react. Including some awful ones. Raping me and refusing to ever apologise (never has) or discuss the affect it had on me. (Detail removed by moderator), again refused to discuss or apologise. Borrowed continually on my credit cards, same response from him as above. Frequently leaving for days without me even knowing he’d left the house, same response from him as above. Cheating for (detail removed by moderator) and you guessed it no apology and refusal to discuss. Combined with days and days of silent treatment, he would cheerily talk to my dog and behave as if I didn’t even exist in the house, this is despite (detail removed by moderator)  and yes you guessed it …. again no explanation and refused to discuss.
These men are monsters with a dark, dark soul. It has taken me years to realise we can’t fix it and they love our reactions and distress to THEIR ACTIONS.
You are human, we all are. There is only so much you can live with without a reaction or meltdown, and goodness I’ve had lots of those over the years.
Be kind and forgiving to yourself, goodness we all put so much effort trying to forgive over the years.
Forgive yourself. I wished I’d known about this site years ago and about Grey Stone …. but even then, we are all only human.
Keep safe.
🤗 xx

[KIP.]

It’s time to use a third party for all communication. If you don’t have a third party then a contact centre. He could be recording you. (Detail removed by moderator) . Yes, none of this is your fault but these men don’t play fair and it sounds to me like he’s setting you up for a big fall. Be very careful legally. There is no depth they won’t stoop to so protect yourself and your child. Contact Womensaid for support here. Abuse always gets worse and post separation abuse is a new kind of nightmare. Yes he absolutely can see what he’s doing to you. He’s enjoying watching you hurt and he’s deliberately using your child to hurt you too which shows the depth of his abuse. Absolutely zero contact.

[Bananaboat]

It’s what they do and you’re human, even the strongest person has a breaking point and let’s face it he wasn’t going to stop until he found yours. So you had one blow out, doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad mum, just ensure you remain calm and factual when you see him next, don’t even mention the last time. I suspect your deep hurt is because you haven’t seen your daughter since, but please be reassured that our kids are smarter than we give them credit for, she’ll know you’re a fab mum. Don’t sink to his levels talking about her dad when he’s not around, but it’s ok to acknowledge her feelings about him if upset. If this was on your doorstep at handover consider getting a video doorbell which will record the interactions without it being obvious. She’ll be home soon with a big hug for you I’m sure x

[Author]

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