I got caught in a cycle, but now I need to heal.

[Supergirl]

Hey I’m new 👋 I’m so glad I found this place, not only do I not actually have any friends I find it impossible to open up about these things anyway.

I’ve recently realised that every one of my ex partners were controlling n*********s who all manipulated me in different ways and if I’m honest I’ve no idea who I am.

I’m sorry, this is long but I feel I need to write it down and I hope you ladies will understand.

When I was a child I was painfully shy, I literally got a lump in my throat when people spoke to me, but when I was a teenager I became a loudmouth compulsive liar, kind of a fake it till you make it situation, this actually directly led to me being sexually assaulted by someone (detail removed by moderator), I have only in the last few years come to terms with the fact it was actually rape as I had told him no and even pushed him off several times but I’d always just blamed myself and even had a short relationship with the guy(detail removed by moderator) later.

From my late teens I was in a relationship with someone a few years older than me, he owned his own house, had a nice car, I looked up to him. He mentally, and very occasionally physically, abused me constantly for the (detail removed by moderator) we were together. He called me fat so much I became anorexic, he used to push me out of bed because I (detail removed by moderator), we argued nearly every single day but I always blamed myself. When I eventually left him he told me (detail removed by moderator) and I just couldn’t understand that.

I was literally lured away from him by my next partner who, as I can now see with clarity, manipulated me from the day we met (a meeting he had manipulated to happen (detail removed by moderator) I ended up having a child with him (I’d never wanted kids before I met him) and the whole pregnancy hit me for 6, I had to give up work, I was pretty much immobile with back problems and spent (detail removed by moderator) in labour where both me and my daughter nearly died (detail removed by moderator). I then couldn’t feed my daughter, for whatever reason it just wouldn’t come out of me, and the whole experience left me traumatised. After (detail removed by moderator) my partner was diagnosed with (detail removed by moderator) and basically blamed me for making him work too much. My daughter now lives with him and I see her (detail removed by moderator) 😢

Whilst I was with him I was again lured (probably making excuses for myself here and the whole thing kills me inside) away by a man who pretended he was something he wasn’t. He was an alcoholic with (detail removed by moderator) who had a massive chip on his shoulder, the whole world had it in for him and nothing was his fault, he seemed quite frankly pathetic and I thought I could ‘fix’ him. In reality he didn’t want to be fixed, he liked the world feeling sorry for him. I’m sorry if this is TMI but he was basically obsessed with porn and would get me to do stuff to him while he was watching it, he’d also film us pretty much every time, I always went along but felt uncomfortable. Towards the end of the relationship he was actually paying me for favours (I was skint at the time) and the whole idea repulses me now.

(Detail removed by moderator) so of our relationship I was having an affair with my ex who was basically using me as he knew I wanted my family back and thought I’d do anything, he’d ask me to send him videos, which again made me uncomfortable but at the time I thought I could fix what I’d done wrong in the past.

Then (detail removed by moderator) through talking to a friend I suddenly got clarity about everything, everything I had been doing, every thought I’d had for nearly (detail removed by moderator) , everything made sense. (Detail removed by moderator) I got my own flat, this was the first time I’d ever lived alone. The problem is that in thinking about all of the things I’ve done is still causing me serious mental health issues and I desperately just want to get over it now. I’d always thought I’d had a ‘normal’ life but I now realise it was far from that. I’m on the waiting list for talking therapy but it’s 6 month waiting list unfortunately and I can’t afford to pay myself.

I’m now in a relationship with the most amazing man I’ve ever met but I keep on trying to sabotage it. I think the way I acted in the past was because I’d never felt good enough and always had to try to give extra to make people happy. My man is very understanding but I can’t expect him to understand what I went through and why I did what I did and I desperately don’t want to hurt him.

I literally just want to be fixed now.

Thank you so much for reading this, it had helped massively to write it down and there’s tea and cakes for those who made it to the end!

[Living Warrior]

Hi my lovely super girl,
welcome to the forum, i am sure you will find it is a useful tool to have in your toolkit 🙂

I can relate to most of what you have written in your post, and want to clarify, these types of men “hunt” for women like us who have been in these situations before, they see us as easy pray. So please do not think that you have done anything wrong or are to blame for any of it.
secondly I too have left my abuser and have made a new relationship work with someone else, who i am happy to say i would trust with my life! ( and tbh i never thought i would ever say that about a man) so there is hope for us all.
I would like to give you some information that i found helpful, and hopefully you will too..
Im sorry if it seems a lot to take in, feel free to read up to where you feel comfortable and just note down the links ect for a later date. 🙂

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Freedom Programme is a domestic violence programme which was created by Pat Craven who holds the copyright (all rights reserved) and evolved from her work with perpetrators of domestic violence. We provide information, not therapy. Click here to read the mission statement

The Programme was primarily designed for women as victims of domestic violence, since research shows that in the vast majority of cases of serious abuse are male on female. However, the programme, when provided as an intensive two day course, is also suitable for men, whether abusive and wishing to change their attitudes and behaviour or whether victims of same sex domestic abuse themselves.

The Freedom Programme examines the roles played by attitudes and beliefs on the actions of abusive men and the responses of victims and survivors. The aim is to help them to make sense of and understand what has happened to them, instead of the whole experience just feeling like a horrible mess. The Freedom Programme also describes in detail how children are affected by being exposed to this kind of abuse and very importantly how their lives are improved when the abuse is removed.

This programme saved my life along with “the power to change programme” and the staff from womens aid.
it made me realise what a terrible place i was in, and how what i had grown to think of was a normal relationship, actually wasnt.

This programme also has a section about “the nice guy” too, it points out the “nice” and “kind” sides of men and why they do what they do, and how to spot the liars etc from the truthtellers, it really opened my eyes.

i hope this helps you

[Supergirl]

Thank you Living Warrior, it just feels so much better to have somewhere to put these words down and out if my head, where people will actually understand. I want it all gone so I can be me again, whoever that is.

[Author]

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