I got him to agree to counselling and its made it so much worse

[DizzyFossil]

We haven’t even been yet but it’s shifted the dynamic so much. I woke up determined to get on with leaving as he was resisting the pre-counselling questions so much, literally “(removed by moderator)”, he can’t answer and is angry that I have had counselling myself and have some clarity on my thoughts. I have been getting on with fixing to leave and making a plan. But he’s figured it out! “Something is off, what is going on” How does he know? I haven’t admitted it as I’m not ready to leave.

Have I just stifled his n********tic supply? He is so angry with me, more than I have ever seen him.

Things that were so clear in my head are twisted again and I feel so guilty.

Am I making it up? My counsellor doesn’t think so, so why does he? If he hates me so much why does he want me to stay.

I’m sorry this is rambling I just feel so desperate after such clarity.

[Rosemary]

Hello Dizzyfossil

Sorry to here what your going thought I can relate to your post because in the past when I told my partner I will go and have some counselling he did not like the fact that I wanted to go he did not now I wanted to have counselling because how he is treateing me because I never told him for that reason but he was more abusive towards me he kept on saying to me that thease counsellor will put things in to my head and I will be worse of he was trying to control me with abusers they dont want there parnter geting stronger or better in our selfs they would do anything to put you of haveing
Counselling which horrible. It’s just down to control .

Your partner sounds as if he has a guilty conscious because he is reacting because your haveing counselling he thinks it is about him he nows his treating you wrong and he dont want to lose you this is why his geting angury.

My advice would be not to tell your partner your
Haveing counselloring because he would put two ans two together. My partner dont now that I am seeing a counsellor he would go mental if he new because he used to put me of to go and see a counsellor.

Your not alone please talk to women aid they will help you and give you adive .

I hope this helps you always here for you .

[Silverbirch]

Hello. I was helped by counselling and women’s aid. It was my counsellor who first named the possibility that I was living with domestic abuse and although I was shocked I suddenly knew she was right. That set me on a long road to get out safely. I had to be very careful and not let on that this was happening. Perpetrators seem to have an instinct for us trying to inch our way out of the relationship. I hope you find a way to continue to get support whilst not alerting your partner to that fact, for your own safety. X

[Empoweredhealing]

Hi there, his behavior is actually really typical of abusers. They are extremely attuned to the most subtle emotional changes in people around them, especially their main supply. They have had to be in order to manipulate and keep people under their control. Counseling with an abuser is really dangerous. They will continue to abuse but now has a better vocabulary to do it with. They’ll use psycho-babble to confuse and blame you for their behavior.

Youtube was so valuable when I was going through this. It’s easy to digest, just short 10-15 minutes videos. And it helps keep my mind clear about what and who I was dealing with. Try Dr. Ramani, Ross Rosenberg and the “Surviving N********m” channel. You don’t need to diagnose your partner. You only need to understand the abuse dynamic so that you can reclaim your mind and protect yourself.

[DizzyFossil]

Thank you all so much for your responses I really needed to hear that. Even knowing the cycles of abuse and possible n**********c behaviour he shows he always manages to say exactly the thing that makes me doubt myself.

I really want him to be ok, but it seems like unless I’m under his control he is so hurt and angry.

He’s not violent but honestly yesterday was the first time it felt like he could be.

His despair is growing as I’m getting stronger and it’s all my fault. He keeps telling me he’s trapped.

It’s so hard to keep my strong in my own thoughts, I feel like I’m ignoring him but I’m trying to detach with love and stop being codependent.

Love to you all this is so hard and confusing.

[DizzyFossil]

Rosemary I’m so sorry you have to keep all of keep your healing secret, it’s such a horrible place to be in.

[KIP.]

Contact women’s aid as soon as possible and read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven x

[DizzyFossil]

Thanks KIP, I was hoping I could get an electronic version as worried about leaving a hard copy around the house, it will only antagonise him more.

He sulked / simmered all night, slept late and did a perfect husband routine this morning before heading out all day.

It will be such a relief when I can finally get set up on my own, I would be gone already but I’m desperate to keep consistency for the children & they’ve only just gone back to school.

I hate feeling dishonest.

[DizzyFossil]

Sorry KIP pity party again, meant to ask if you know where I could get an electronic version? xx

[DizzyFossil]

Empoweredhealing – oh my god Dr Ramini, so unbelievably descriptive of what is happening here. Will check out the others too thank you so much.

[Monochrome]

Hey DizzyFossil

Your situation sounds so similar to mine! The YouTube stuff about N**********c abuse is so empowering! Dr Ramani is my hero as is Les Carter! Also Meredith Miller is a good one to check out! And I hear you on the fear of having a hard copy of books in the house! Dr Ramani has a great book called ‘Should I stay or should I go?’, you can definitely get digital copies of that. I’m still living with ‘him’ at the moment but with every new thing that I learn about N********m I feel a little bit stronger!

[SeekingPeace]

Hi DizzyFossil

If you Google the freedom programme by pat craven then you’ll find the online version. I think it is £12 to access it online.

If you’d be interested in participating in zoom sessions of the freedom programme online (i appreciate that perhaps is not possible whilst you are still living with your perpetrator) then feel free to private message me and I’d be able to give you the phone number and email for someone who runs the freedom programme via zoom for women across the UK. I’ve personally found it so so helpful to be able to link up with other women going through abuse too via the zoom course.

[maddog]

I found doing the Freedom Programme with other women who’d been through similar abuse incredibly supportive. Oh yes, Dr Ramini and Les Carter are fab aren’t they!

Every interaction we have with the perpetrator just feeds the monster. They hate it when we close off the supply. Nobody ‘just leaves’ an abusive relationship. It takes time and planning. It’s an escape.

There’s lots of help and support out there to guide you and support you at whatever level you’re at. Your safety is paramount.

Recognising abuse for what it is, is a massive step. It shifts the focus and we can’t unsee it. For a long time I thought I was just in a miserable loveless marriage which was just getting worse. Through the lens of abuse, it all makes sense.

[Author]

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