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Work was great, I got a few things sorted and shouted at one of my service providers and got a hefty refund.
However, in the background is always this shadow. The constant thought about what mood he’ll be in when I get home. I can have the best day ever but it all goes in the bin if he’s in a bad mood.
He’s arriving back later than me tonight. On nights like this I feel like I’m waiting for the headteacher to see me as I’ve been naughty. He could walk in and be in a great mood but until he walks through that door I’m in limbo. I’m also running around cleaning so he hasn’t got anything to shout about when he gets in.
I’m reading the books you’ve suggested and I get what they are trying to tell me but I’m waiting for this surge of enlightenment and energy to leave but it’s not coming.
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‘I can have the best day ever but it all goes in the bin’. This will be the rest of your life. It wont change. Youre already suffering from anxiety. Unable to enjoy the good things in life. I was trapped for decades because i didnt know i was in an abusive relationship. Educate yourself and get out. You deserve better. Your post reminds me of what i was like. Tirelessly cleaning the house for hours at a time before i realised it wasnt the house that triggered him it was the house he used as an excuse to abuse me. The goal posts always changed. Its nothing you do. Its him using it as an excuse for his behaviour. If it wasnt the house it would be something else. Eventually mine would just fabricate something to abuse me over. They get a real kick out of destroying our mental health x
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