This topic contains 15 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  freedomtochoose 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #75917
     Icandothis 
    Participant

    A while back now with a guy i met on a dating site.. its finished now. My ex before him were abusive for nearly 2 decades so it took a lot for me to enter a new relationship again. I feel worse than ever from the recent relationship i just feel more damaged than before. I have sons with special needs he has a son too the same so he seemed very keen and drawn to me for that. On the first date he were all over me which i didnt feel ok about. He were more of a listener than anything.. i.opened up and told him about my ex abuser and he used this as a tool against me saying u need counselling and more of it…. and how im a car crash thats already happened…. he totally played head games with me… saying he wanted to live together then no we needed more time. When i tried ending it he would send a picture of his son or put him on the phone…. in week 3 of knowing him he wanted me to see his son it were too early… hes in a good job and id met his parents his father were more or less warning me of him in a nice way.. i think he had his own emotional issues too he still sleeps with a teddy bear at going on (age removed by moderator)!!!!! He attended a private school so thought he were much smarter than me. Recently it were my b.day and he had got a half bottle of wine out of the cupboard and wrapped it up which hurt me very much. I feel as though hes really messed with my head.. he were still married when he started seeing me..
    His ex wife filed for divorce..
    And the women before me too got rid of him.. he also in the early days were sending texts of a sexual nature i said i didnt like this he apologised but started it again… sorry its all jumbled im just so hurt…. any feed back will be much appreciated x*x

  • #75918
     Icandothis 
    Participant

    May i also say that this guy whos heading for (detail removed by moderator) years of age also sent me a photograph of his childhood teddy bear in his bed. And once when he were ill he had a (detail removed by moderator) in his hand and sent me a picture of that too i found this very odd behaviour x

  • #75931
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Icandothis, I think we’ve spoken before, the teddy part reminded me. I’m glad you’ve found your way back to here💜
    This forum has been my lifeline, going through these thoughts and emotions with no-one to talk to is a recipe for craziness. It really is baby steps but I’m almost touching the door, in fact it’s opened up and I can see a way out, it really does happen you just have to believe you will get him out of your life.
    Did you ever met anyone from women’s aid? It’s really scary making the phone call and not having the ability to speak is overwhelming but I promise once you start on your road, each step you take is a step getting him out of your life, from your thoughts and heart. You’re time to do it in its your own journey, I’ve read of ladies on here who literally only posted for days and then they left their partners and I think bl.. dy hell he’ll not know what hit him. Then there’s the rest of us some who take decades to leave, some who have left after decades and find themselves in a similar situation to yours.. these men are emotional vampires, they seem to be able to smell kindness and compassion, but where we know those are good things to have they see it as a weakness but they also want it fir themselves. By trying to take ours, destroy what’s good in us in the hope that they’ll be able to absorb it. But they can’t and so the cycle continues. Have you spoken to your gp yet about how he’s making you feel, let them be aware this abusive man is in your life but you are afraid of what to do next. My gp was and is lovely, she gets it, even though she’s never married it doesn’t mean she’s maybe not seen it up close and personal. Then again there are probably hundreds of patients in abusive situations😏
    Keep posting and keep reading others, some days it’s hard to reply to someone, even just read the posts on those days. There is no right and wrong way to getting an abuser out of our lives, we do what’s right fir ourselves. All we can do is be safe and play the long game, if that’s what it takes.
    Welcome back, IWMB 💕💕

  • #75935
     Icandothis 
    Participant

    Thanks iwantmeback… do u think he were abusive? Xx

  • #75936
     freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    Hello there, Icandothis,
    from what you say, I do believe he was.
    Red flags, too much too soon.
    I am single parent too and pushing for you to get to know his kids too early, also not appropriate.

    It is really hard when you want to reach out to someone…

    Half a bottle of wine for your birthday? What?

    Good news is – you working your way through it hon, and you are out.

    Carry on identifying your own needs and trying to meet them.

    It can be very hard doing this as a parent on your own, especially when someone presents themselves who is, (at least on the face of it) a ‘good’ listener.

    If you ask me, there is the type of abuser who deliberately cultivates what they think is the trait of empathy (it is not, otherwise he wouldnot be acting that way) to make you think you can trust them….

    ftc
    x

  • #75940
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hello again, I thought it might be good to look at this from a different perspective than just an abusive relationship. The bottom line is did he do things that were unacceptable to you? That came below your moral behaviour and made you feel hurt, uncomfortable or frightened? And if so then it’s okay simply to say he didn’t meet your standards and good riddance to bad rubbish. I think we often refer to abuse because that’s what happened to us. But that’s the past and you can certainly learn from it, however some of us have been so badly abused that we may not even recognise a low level abuser so I think it’s good to look at it from a different angle? From what is now acceptable to us and that should be having people around that we trust and that our gut doesn’t scream at us. I often ask myself, would I behave that way. I certainly wouldn’t wrap a half opened bottle of wine for someone’s birthday. I know that would be hurtful and selfish x

  • #75941
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi yes I do. If it’s easier to change the word abuse to behaving badly, putting his needs before yours, feeling bullied and manipulated, showing pictures of him in hospital, getting his son involved to pull at your heart strings. These are forms of abuse, those 5 letters cover everything he’s done to you. When we talk about abuse we still think of a big brute of a man, drunk beating his wife, cowering in a corner, we now know it’s so much more than physical violence. 😪

  • #75949
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    its emotional abuse and degredation – tbh this guy doesent sound like he is stable in any way shape or form. i personally would not have someone like him around your kids. he sounds like he is not thinking straight at all. my advice would be whether he is abusive or not he dosent sound like someone u would want to be with or have in your life. i think there is definitely an element of psychosis here and also abusive tendancies – im not a psychologist but id stay well away from this man if i were you xx love diymum xx

  • #75950
     Icandothis 
    Participant

    Thanks guys… yes kip thats a great way to look at it. My gut feeling were telling me no… when he first invited round to his house he shut his blinds and started to take his pants of… and using my past against me…. horrid man… i bet his ex wife could tell a few tales x

  • #75951
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    sorry i see reading back you ended it whew! youve had a lucky escape xx i think with dating sites it can be a breeding ground for abusive men like having their pick of kind and compassionate women – perhaps even picking up on te fact that we are feeling vulnerable and then playing on it xx

  • #75952
     Icandothis 
    Participant

    I feel so foolish esp when my instincts were saying NO!!!!! He blamed his ex wife and partners saying they were all selfish… x

  • #75953
     freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    Understand, the ‘feeling foolish’ thing.
    How many of us have had iffy experiences with dating sites. I tried them once and now laugh at some of the things I experienced…they really weren’t funny at the time though…

    The guy who paid for a one course meal (costing £12 quid) and got cross because I wouldn’t go home with him afterwards…(his definition of a ‘cheap’ date…?)

    And the dic pics – so to speak…(?)…you have my permission to laugh…

    Whatever, you got away and was sensible, (as was I…)

    I’m sure people have decent experiences about dating sites, but it is all about awareness isn’t it?

    And you did it. And now there will be better things ahead…

    ftc
    x

  • #75960
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    lol i remember being asked to take a snap of me and send it and that was expected any time any where one time i was on a bus packed full off people !! 😀 and the willy pics what is that about?? it does make you laugh looking back. i also went out for dinner with a guy and he was eyeing up evry woman who walked by OMG well that went well 🙂 in saying that there are some really nice giys on dating sites too and yes dont feel silly weve all been there done that xx i think the most shocking of one example was i was on a first date and i asked him what do you work as? when he said i sell porn for a living i suddenly got a text on my mobile saying i had an emergency – i didnt stick around!! yes laughable now xx much love diy mum xx

  • #75961
     KIP. 
    Participant

    I used the dating site thing as a way to slowly build up my confidence. As in being able to meet new people. If you’re not fully recovered I can see how easy it is to get hooked back into some dysfunctional relationships. I still go on the odd date but I don’t want a relationship but happy to meet new people and get out the house. I think a lot of men feel the same. It’s just a matter of compatibility. And yes, I had a couple corkers and a ‘d**k pic’ lol. I was never allowed male friends. Just saw on the news about the rise in stalking from men who women met on dating sites. Be careful out there. Makes you think twice about dating but there are still good men out there I believe🤔

  • #75963
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    Oh Icandothis! He sounds horrible! I think he definitely would be categorised as abusive, but like Kip I think the key question to ask when deciding whether to continue a relationship with someone isn’t necessarily ‘is he abusive’. Is this behaviour acceptable to me is a solid question to ask once dating, but I thinks if you go down the internet dating route, which I took post abuse, there is a question which w**d people out even before meeting them. It is: “does he respect my boundaries”.

    I ruled a lot of men out before meeting them using this system. I had various rules for myself about what I was willing to disclose on the dating site. I wouldn’t disclose any information which could be used to stalk me – no locations, no car details, that kind of thing. I wouldn’t give out my phone number. I wouldn’t tell them where I worked. The first request for this information got a vague or jokey answer. Second request got a blunt ” I don’t feel comfortable disclosing this information to someone I have never met”. Ask a third time and they were out.

    Meeting up happened in a neutral observed location – any pressure to come to their house, go for a walk in the woods etc and they were out.

    Then if we got as far as meeting up then it was stuff like if he touches me without permission then he is out. If he insists on doing anything I have asked him not to then he is out.

    I ended up meeting the guy I am with now after 4 dates – everyone else got ruled out before meeting up. We’ve been together over a year and no red flags. It can happen. There are a lot of a******s out there, but if you stick to your guns and only accept spending time with men whose behaviour is and continues to be acceptable then there are good guys out there too.

  • #75991
     freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    Tiff, think this is really good advice. I posted profile on a reputable site with similar rules (for myself). Didn’t even want to post a pic, so I didn’t.

    Got some flack from some, but stuck to my rules.

    Looking back can see how some wouldn’t appreciate this, but hey, I’m sure a lot of blokes (and women) go on them to find contacts.

    think it is brill what you said tiff.

    about the question boundaries etc…

    think it is also brill to laugh about the whole thing if we possibly can.

    Check out Amy Schumer on Netflix – especially re d**k pics etc, she has joked she sends dic pics back…that confuses them…

    after all, member of the resistance movement took the mickey out of hitler to take away his power…hoep that doesn’t cause offence, but all about ridiculing those who are oppressive…

    ftc
    x

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