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This morning and I’d had a terrible nightmare about him. He had turned up at my house unanounced and were all smart and clever. He had the new women’s name tattooed on his arm. Then he took his pants of and said come on then. Tbis has happened to me in the past when be persuaded me to go to his flat. Then I were screaming at him. And he kept saying u didn’t want me. I wish this b*****d would stop continuing to ruin me. X*x
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It amazes me how they can twist everything. You didn’t want me. As if that justifies their behaviour. And we fall for it, we feel guilty, at least we doubt ourselves. I got, you told me to find someone else and you told me you didn’t love me etc. They are desperate to not accept blame, to justify their behaviour no matter how absurd. I used to leave the radio on while I slept so there was a distraction as soon as I woke. Not a music chsnel. A news Chanel. Voices X
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The healing starts when you make the move from victim to survivor, Better Days.
This involves taking your power back.
For example, by:
-Going total no contact
-Not letting yourself hear about anything he is still up to ( this is very important; you still feel he’s near you because you are still hearing about the things he’s up to)
-Telling people you don’t want to hear what he’s up to now
-Setting firm boundaries with your family members
– Discussing your feelings at counselling and talking about ways you can deal with these feelings
– Making a firm decision to stay or move. If you stay in your house, make changes to make you feel like it’s your own home and to erase memories; if you stay, distance yourself a bit from your family and make rules so that they aren’t controlling you and don’t know all your business
– Set a routine for yourself and boys which includes lots of rest, healthy eating and exercise for all of you – walking is very calming
– Set a plan to get on top of your finances
– Do things to develop and empower yourself ( a course, for example)
– Make 5 year plans to develop your boys and to help them achieve as much as possible in all areas.Our abusers wanted to limit and stunt us. They didn’t want us or our kids to reach our potential, or to be happy. They wanted us to serve them, to put up with their unkindness, to think only of them. They wanted cruel
ownership of us.Well, we must get back to that place where we feel ownership of ourselves and our own lives. In a healthy relationship, we would never have lost that. My ex had a completely different view of marriage to me: I thought of it as two equals journeying together, he thought of it as monopoly of the woman and cruel exploitation of the woman and children.
Well, we don’t need to buy in to their archaic and wrongful beliefs.
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Thankyou for that. I feel a bit better in a way that my family have cut of from me and the boys. As it’s the same kind of cycle with them. Talking negative about me how I parent my boys. And them not understanding autism. My sister being horrible and twisted. Getting what she wants from me then talking to my mum about what I sbould do. When really neither are in a position to judge me at all. X*x
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My elder sister and mum can be the same. My sister, worse.
After many years, I stood up to them ( last year), told them I was an adult and could make my own decisions that I was very different from them and didn’t share their views on things, and that I was choosing to follow professional advice- not theirs.
It has worked- they have much more respect for me now and don’t try to control and judge so much. Tough is the only language which domineering people understand.
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