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Ive actually got to the point that I cant stand him I must love him a little to keep staying with him but the act he puts on infront of others is what gets to me the most.
Hes really handsome to top it off so everyone thinks hes this amazing handsome person but behind the facade hes a cruel cold hearted person. Because hes good looking I always think Im the one that isnt good enough and everyone fawns all over him when at home hes so nasty to me and the kids, Im not allowed extra money or complain and he does everyone else favours like lends out money or does jobs for them and when I ask he shouts like a raving l*****c.
It amazes me how he can be being vile then we get infront of someone and he switches and starts calling me pet names and being all loving when its all an act and he made me cry half an hour earlier.
Nobody knows what he is like its infruating if I shout back he tries to headbutt me and he mocks the kids it makes me cry sometimes how he speaks to them like c**p and knocks their confidence !
Everyone thinks hes a nice guy and hes not I hate him so much -
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Hi Rainbowcloud
Yes I can relate 100% to what you are saying. My abuser is handsome and charismatic. He turns on the charm like a tap when he is in the company of others and everyone thinks what a lovely guy. But behind closed doors he is a manipulative bully. I too feel frustrated because I want others to know the monster he truly is. I am in the process of escaping from the hell he has put me through.
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Mr nice guy is for everyone elses benefit and he tells me all the time how everyone loves him at work or loves him in the family etc etc and I’m the only one who says bad things about him.
He has serious issues with money when it’s him he can take what he wants when he wants out of our joint money but I can’t there’s a huge row if i spend £10.
Then he tells me how much he’s doing for us and our family it’s not for us none of it is it’s all for himself. We had a car accident (Detail removed by Moderator) and he didn’t care if I was ok he got out to check the car was ok even though it hurt my chest a lot.
I’m sick of everyone thinking he’s a nice person when he’s not sometimes he’s nice to me but it’s only when I’m doing whatever he wants and am being compliant lately I’ve started standing up to him and he hates it and tells me I’ve changed no I just can’t cope anymore I cry every single day of my life and contemplate suicide.
If I do what he says it’s ok but when I’m not it’s not ok.
His family think the sun shines out of him honestly they hate me he turned them against me over the years. They post things on SoCal media like he’s an amazing father brother son etc they know deep down he bullies me and is controlling.
I hate him so much I just don’t know what to do anymore.
The fact he is blessed with looks makes it worse as he thinks he is gods gift I know I’m on a rant but he’s not here tonight so I can get it all out and I feel better then .
My oldest son hates him he says things to him which I can’t explain he intimidated him and belittles him and he walks with his head down so he don’t upset him and that’s not right he’s Just a kid and he’s scared of him it only takes one word or a look and he’s good kid too never been any trouble when he does it I feel like my heart will explode he does to them what he does to me but not as bad but it’s there.
Nasty horrible man and no one knows -
Google trauma bonding. I don’t think I loved my abuser. Who in their right mind would love someone who treats them so badly. I’m convinced I was trauma bonded. It all makes sense now I’ve escaped. His behaviour when you ask for something like money is designed to prevent you asking again. Eventually you think it’s too traumatic to bring up the subject so you just go along with his way. Which keeps you even more dependent on him. I recorded my abuser assaulting me. I was worried no one would believe me. If it’s safe for you to do so then you could record his behaviour and save it somewhere safe. I can tell you that your children’s self esteem will suffer. I could see my child looking to his father only to be humiliated. His fathers response was it’s just a joke. I had zero self esteem too. Please get out before your mental health and that of your children is irreparably damaged. You all deserve better. They are jeckly and Hyde. But it shows that they are in control of their abuse when they chooses to abuse us in private. Shocking dysfunctional behaviour.
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Hi Rainbowcloud,
your post reminds me of my brother. Growing up all the girls at school adored him as he is handsome, very charismatic and charming. To me he has always shown this Jekyll and Hyde personality, where he starts off really nice like he’s a good friend and cares about me and I feel lucky to have such a great brother I can talk to. But then he switches totally randomly, goes silent on me then snaps angrily if I ask him what’s wrong, or starts to mock and tease me, put me down. So many times he has made me the butt of jokes at the dinner table, and if I am unhappy about it, him and my family act like I am the difficult one, the black sheep. I put up with this stuff for years, not knowing it was a type of emotional abuse. I don’t speak to him anymore, I’m doing the grey rock method and it is so peaceful not having someone like that in my life anymore. All my family adore him, every single cousin, auntie etc they think he is the bees knees because of course they only see his charming side!
My ex had almost the exact same personality as him, and even commented on how alike they were (I think I subconsciously chose someone like my brother because growing up he represented what I thought a man should be like!). My ex wasn’t as traditionall handsome, but he comes across as very cute and likeable, he was just more p**********c than my brother so wasn’t able to maintain the mask as much, I think he burnt a lot of bridges by his outrageous behaviour so uses online dating to find new victims who don’t know about his past. I think all of this eventually catches up with them, but it can take a long time.
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Just to add, I think these types of men are deep down extremely angrily, irritable and miserable, so there is nothing to envy about them. All the adoration is based on their false self. Both my brother and my ex are weak men who feel angry and entitled and jealous of everyone. Nothing is ever enough for them, they are like black holes inside. I partly pity my brother because I think the reason for him being that way is due to my family, but my ex was just a p********h and enjoyed hurting people.
Either way, these people are totally toxic to be around. After some no contact and focusing on yourself, you’ll think about him less and move on, whilst he will be stuck in his false show pony routine which although looks impressive on the outside, is just completely false and empty.
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I think you are so right that nothing is ever enough. He really cares about others views of him he wants them to think he’s successful he lives for that kind of thing.
I agree with the post about he goes mad about the money so I don’t do it again which is 100% true.
He is empty nothing is ever enough or makes him happy he tells me he hates his life with me on a regular basis and he wants a fresh start I’ve told him to go then and he never does.
I have to struggle to make ends meet while he’s saving money I know he’s going to have me over in the end.
I must be trauma bonded sometimes he does nice things and think he has changed but never lasts .
I’m not allowed to go OOut he says I can go out when I want but he makes the whole process so miserable so I never go out it ent worth the hassle , he is such a bully once his dad said he had to walk out the room after hearing how he spoke to me but they never say anything to him. They think he’s great and he’s not it is so frustrating living like this. And being so sad I grew up with an abusive stepfather that did awful things to me and my mother so I don’t know any other way now how can I change things when this is all I know. -
I’m sorry you had a wretched abusive childhood, Rainbowcloud. I did as well, and when I met my ex husband (oh the joy of him now being ex!), I thought I was over the abuse. My husband differs from my experience and his way of abuse was completely unfamiliar.
I have noticed several people saying that their abusive partner is good looking. Does this mean they have a twinkle in their eye and a kind smile, or their faces are roughly symmetrical, or that we still find them attractive?
It can be really hard to leave. Had something not happened last year which broke the camel’s back for me, I would have stayed, not posting here, and just thinking I was in a lousy marriage.
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Im not sure some friends say my partner is good looking and some say he isn’t the best and that Im the blind one and think hes better then what he is as I always say hes the more attractive out of us but they say I am and Im just blinded somehow. Hes tall and big built with a handsome face but when hes angry he looks so ugly he shouts so bad the spit flys out of his mouth like an animal its like another person.
Even though I still find him physically appealing I am not as close to him as I used to be in the fact I dont try for affection as much and intimacy as Im put off because of how he treats me, if you understand?
He reeled me in because of his looks and that is how he wins everyone around so hes empty he doesnt need a personality because he looks attractive people are drawn to him but hes so faLse he can be really nice to who were talking to but we walk off and he will say nasty things about them and he thinks everyone tries to rip him off too like the world is against him he accuses me of all sorts even theft when he cant find something.
His abuse is very like my stepfathers they act alike and I hated my childhood so why I am with him I shall never know. I feel trapped he cant tal about anything if I bring up concerns or worries of any kind he takes it as a personal attack and just shouts so nothing is ever resolved. I wish I could get out of this hes gone before I always have him back as he promises to change but he never does.
SO far
Hes locked me in the car and drove me on the motorway screaming , threw a mobile phone at me, thrown rubbish at me, dragged me around the kitchen , pushes his head against my head like hes going to headbut me that a recent one which hes started doing a lot, pushed me over , punched the covers while im under them, shouts in my face regularly, list goes on. -
Love IS blind! Recently I was speaking to a counsellor about thinking, who else would want me? I had heard it before from another family member and it made me feel sad. Now that sentiment applies to me.
I think so many of us bear the weight of other people’s problems. Childhood abuse means that we take responsibility for those who have caused us harm. Like being in a passenger in an accident and taking responsibility for the person who caused it.
It is hard to accept that we are actually being abused and that it is not our fault. None of your partner’s behaviour is anything to do with you. It sounds horrific.
I hope, bit by bit, you are able to accept help. You are doing really well by posting here. It has taken me such a long long time to realise the extent of the abuse I have endured. It’s not the same as yours. It’s still bad.
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I can relate to this. My husband is a real Jekyll and Hyde. He never used to be. He’s not one of the good looking onea but seems to have this anger bubbling underneath. He works away a lot and is so nice on the phone when he’s away but it won’t last long when he gets back. I had so little patience with the kids and is so up and down with them, half the time they don’t no ticeuch but other times, it can really get to them. As he’s away a lot, it takes the impact away so it makes it hard to see what it’s really like. He’s a bully and can be really mean and rude to his mum. He provides well for us but has this ego and such a loud voice, talks over everyone and doesn’t have any interest in other people’s opinions. He actually admitted (Detail removed by Moderator) at a party that he had been a s*** to me and didn’t deserve me but i think it was alcohol talking and he seemed to think it was clever. He’s so different in public and many think he’s great as he has a good job and a family.
I have no respect for him anymore and many days I think I just hate him. I’ll see in a few days when he returns again.
Good luck to you all, thank goodness for this forum to help us see a way forward and know we’re not alone x -
I can totally relate to this – my husband is very much everyone’s best friend can’t do enough for people and so nice to me in public. But at home he just orders me round and treats me like dirt, nothing I do is up to his standards, I don’t work hard enough, I’m lazy, etc, etc. I often feel that the children and I are just things that he owns and parades in front of people to make himself look good – like the great family man everyone thinks he is. But he doesn’t want to spend time with us he would rather go out to the pub with his friends than spend a day with me and our beautiful children. It makes me so sad.
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My abuser is also nice to me on the phone some days he calls me on his way home nice as pie then he just switches when he walks in never consistent in his actions Im always on guard for him to switch. I didnt have a job so he constantly put me down for losing my job which he made me lose because of stress and then when I got back into work he moans the house is a mess and I dont cook as much etc I work (Detail removed by Moderator) full days a week I do all the housework cooking etc he does nothing. Im only on here as hes away this weekend (Detail removed by Moderator) as Im not allowed to use my phone infront of him he moans. Its been so nice being on my own with the kids cooking what I want and cleaning up just my mess he makes the house a complete mess Ive never seen him wash up or cook ever. He is a male chauvinist in that respect he shouts when I dont work and shouts when I do.
I can never win he says Im vain if I wear makeup and do my hair if I paint my nails he kicks off royal about it for some reason.
Ive isolated myself from everyone in my life its like I cant tolerate being around people what makes it worse is Im working with someone who has these traits also a male and he picks on me so much at work for no reason and puts me down and I like my job I told my abuser who was on my side at first but the other day he used it against me and said no wonder this guy is picking on me because of how I am etc etc so Ive learnt now to keep it all to myself as its used against me later always my darkest secrets are always used against me.
I dont trust anyone around me anymore I dont see my family I rarely see my friends this is my life now. We have a business together so Im stuck I feel stuck-
Hi Rainbowcloud,
Thank you for continuing to share with us. I hope you are finding it helpful to post, it is great to see the support you are receiving here.
From your posts the abuse has escalated and I am concerned for you and your children. I understand you feel stuck because of the business but please do try to call the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) when you can. The Helpline Workers can discuss any options based on your circumstances and signpost you to other helpful organisations. It is a busy service but there is a voicemail to request a call back at a safe and convenient time. It must have taken so much courage to call the police when you did and then to feel very let down when they did not turn up. This is very concerning but I urge you to contact the police again if you and your children are at risk.
Your local support group can also offer ongoing emotional and practical support including supporting you and your children with an exit plan for when you are ready. Your local group can be found here.
There is support available and there will be options for you. Keep posting to us when you can- we are here for you every step of the way.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Everything you say Rainbowcloud is so familiar and I can identify with almost every single thing you have said. I stood up to him and he couldnt stand losing the control and said Id changed and was being so vile and cold to him. Laying next to him in bed I just couldnt bear even being near him. At times I feel so much hate for him. He would randomly do something nice such a tidying the garden or cleaning the conservatory windows and I would think ah what a nice thing to do but within hours he would be back to giving out the abuse, mind games, bullying, shouting at me and trying to make me feel intimidated and worthless. He is physically good looking but in my eyes now he has become ugly. He makes me want to recoil. He also literally spews so much hate towards me when he is on one of his rants, destroys my property ([Detail removed by moderator] was the last thing but Ive had shoes and clothes cut up with scissors or thrown out of windows and also just taken, mobile phones destroyed and also rips apart his own clothing while he is still wearing it. Truly scary and weird. My feelings and opinions are totally disregarded and shouted over and I get sworn out. (Detail removed by moderator).
In the process of trying to break contact but not easy as he shows up at my house banging on the window to get let in. Also says that if we ever broke up he would kill himself as he loves me so much. I am literally all over the place in my head. Feel like Im going crazy. My counsellor has advised me to try to keep thing as normal as possible until I can get certain things in place like a non-molestation order. Normal? what is that when you are dealing with an abnormal person. I have to have plans in place to escape my abuser. Just trying to get the strength to go ahead with it all.
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