I hate myself

[Sunshines]

Today I was walking past a mirror and I looked at myself and I’ve never felt so ugly over weight and unrecognisable.
I hate who I have become I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve lost my identity completely. I can’t bare to take any pictures with my kids and even people are commenting on how bad I look lately. Obviously they don’t know I was getting pumped with abuse daily.
I used to dress up and do my hair. Now I couldn’t care less how I looked it’s a shame. Did anyone else find this ? Please let me know xx

[nbumblebee]

Hey beautiful lady yes is the answer yes I feel this way too.
Im actually just owning up to having a lroblem with eating and its not about image for me Im trying to make myself so small in body in not talking out in just being in the background making myself small so Im not noticed so Im not hurt anymore.
I hate myself too I hate what ive aloowed to happen what is still happening as im still here.
We are told so many times how ugly how fat/thin useless we are we have that deummed into us day in day out its no wonder you still feel this way.
I think talking helps seeing and believing that none of this was your fault that youbwere never ever to blame and that you deserve now to feel good about yourself. Get the inside you feeling good first then worry about the outside sweetie.
Im not sure if you have left or are still there but try and Do something nice for yourself just something small maybe buy a new lipstick or perfume or have an hour reading a book chilling, something you enjoy thats just for you, remind yourself of all the hurt you have been through thats gonna take time to heal from but you will one day you will. Talk these feelings through write them down get them out its the only way you will heal from them. You are certainly not alone in this sweetie sending you big hugs x*x

[Hawthorn]

As the others have said you are certainly not alone in feeling like this.

I went from always changing my hairstyle, loving clothes and fashion and feeling really good about my appearance to barely being able to shower and brush my teeth in the morning. Bed was something to crept into with no nighttime routine; no tooth brushing, no hair removal no lotions and potions for my skin. Anything I did as regards personal care he took to mean I wanted sex. And by the end I really really didn’t. I starved myself, just wanted to disappear. I would catch glimpses of myself in the mirror and not recognise the person looking back; who was that gaunt, haunted looking woman?

I’ve been free for some time now and I look like myself again. I stand tall, I look 10 years younger, and I know I look good- because I feel good. I eat well and care for myself, because I am worth it, and there’s no one in my life now who tells me otherwise- I’ve made sure of that.

You are worth caring for. Destroying our self esteem is how abusers keep us trapped. Try to do something nice for yourself every day, self care is not selfish, it’s essential. Doesn’t have to be anything big, even taking 5mins with a cuppa to watch the birds, or painting your toe nails. Something nice for you. You deserve it and you are worth it. Better is out there for you.xx

[Sunshines]

I had some time today so I used it on myself doing some of the things I’ve always done. I can’t believe how much I’ve changed the weight the hair I don’t wear make up at all when I wore it every single day. My hair is put up scruffily and I don’t care for the hairdressers I seen this quote on DV page and it is literally describing what happens to us “Today I wore a faded pair of old Jeans and a plain baggy grey T-shirt ……I haven’t taken a shower or put an ounce of make up on. I grabbed a worn out old black oversized jacket … to cover myself with even though it’s warm
Outside I have made conscious decisions lately to look like less of what I felt like a male would want to see. I want to disappear. Sierra D Waters

That quote did it for me it explains how you become so uninterested in how you look it’s like you put on a repellent.

Thank you for all your kind words
I can’t wait for the day I’m back to my old self I absolutely fantasise about the old me. Even walking down the street with a coffee or sitting in a park. Just the feeling of being the old me which I know will take it’s time to get back to

But I’m going to document the journey ! X*x

[nbumblebee]

That is certainly a powerful quote.
Im glad you had some time for you today maybe try a little something everyday.
You will find you again shes there waiting to come out again just keep believeing sweetie. X

[Funduro]

I remember doing the exact same thing after realising how much abuse I had taken. I didn’t even feel attractive at all, and since then, I don’t even wear make up anymore since him. He was so critical and cruel about my appearance,  now I make sure I dress for me 100 percent,  never for a man. I actually love myself again (detail removed by Moderator) after leaving him. I had emdr, it was gruelling and I still have work to do, but you can gain self love again,  but you must do it alone, without a man.

[Karisqq]

I do feel that way, during the time when the abuse is intense, I’m very empty and have no energy to dress up, I just look so tired and ugly all the time and at that time I was on a trip, which I kind of regretted it since I barely took any good looking pictures. Everytime when I mention about that I just feel so angry that it was ruined by the abuser tho they think I’m the one who ruined it. I still can’t manage that anger, I hate them ruining it and my mood.

[deerinheadlights]

Hi All,

I can relate to this as well as so many other things!!! I use to be pretty in my opinion, but now I’m ugly like a used up wash rag !!! A few years back I actually showed him a picture of me in the beginning of our relationship and then showed him another picture in comparison to what I looked like after several years of abuse from him and it was such a night &day difference, in my opinion, his opinion was strikingly the opposite!!! He said to me when he looked at the pictures, (detail removed by Moderator) he said to me and that the two separate photos of me looked the same then he added, only after I kept asking him, do you really not see the difference, he finally said (detail removed by Moderator) but other than that he said I looked exactly the same, I so laughed in disgust because I knew he was not being honest, I think he denied me looking different in the photos because he knew that deep down inside he knew he was the cause of why I looked so different, yet even though he would never admit to that or anything else that he does that is bad he had a look on his face like he had no regard and/or care in the world, like it was  not a big deal what I was saying to him, in fact he also tried to blame me and/or other people in my past for why I looked the way I did!!! He basically said one thing than another, he said I basically looked the same in the before/after pics ,then later said the blame was me and the people from my past!!! Just like how they do, blaming shifting the things that they do or say themselves on to other people that have not done these things!!! I though that if  I showed him like a before pic/after pic that maybe, just maybe he would stop his abusiveness then , but that did not happen just made it a lot worse, if anything!!! The before pic I was pretty you could see the confidence in my smile, I actually took the picture to give to him!!! I was dressed up, make-up , etc…. The After pic, after enduring many years of abuse I looked So horrible , to say the least!!!  Everything about me changed drastically-My hair which was falling out probably from all the stress from the abuse, my clothes, my  excessive weight gain etc…. It was a total game changer for me and not for the better either !!! I literally looked  so much older that what I was!!!

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