I have a crush

[Overcome]

Good evening all,

I needed to share somewhere, I am out of my abusive relationship but still have contact due to children.

I am torn because I have a huge crush on someone who works at the same company as me. It is intense and taking over my thoughts. I feel like the attraction is mutual; I felt him looking at me and when I looked up our eyes locked for what seemed forever. Since then whenever he is near we can’t stop exchanging glances at each other. He comes over to me to talk about work, whenever he does we both have the biggest grins. There are other signs that I pick up that he may be attracted to me too.

This is where I get stuck. My confidence is at an all time low, I feel like if I were to pursue anything and was were to find out what I have been through with my ex he would run a mile.

I also know I am not ready for another relationship just yet which stops me letting him know that I am attracted to him – I have lots of self healing to do first…

Has anyone got any success stories to share to lift my spirits?

With love,

Overcome x x x

[Camel]

This is a difficult one to comment on when you’re so hoping for success stories. I think you’ve answered it yourself. You need to give yourself time for healing and to rebuild your self-esteem. You imagine he’d run a mile if he ‘found out’ what you’d been through. It’s hard to imagine now but there will come a time when you won’t feel this misplaced shame. If you do take the leap take it very slowly and trust your instincts. Be alert for red flags and don’t minimise anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Speaking from experience, I walked straight into an abusive relationship. Fortunately I had little tolerance for it so I escaped fairly unscathed.

[KIP.]

I agree with Camel. And you’ve really answered your own question. You’re still extremely vulnerable. All our emotions are intensified after abuse. Women’s aid advise 2 years before beginning another relationship and for me it took longer. Use it to build on your self esteem and to practice friendly relationships but the fact you’re still concerned about your abusive past affecting a new relationship is a sign you’re not ready. There will come a stage when your abusive past isn’t an issue, that’s when your confidence takes over. Concentrate on your kids and building on the positive relationships you have already established. I miss read signals like this and had a lucky escape but it could have been really embarrassing and dragged me further down. What if you’ve miss read the signals like me. When people are friendly to us after abuse, it’s like they’re giving us the attention we have craved for so long. It’s intense. Our emotions are all over the place for quite some time. My advice is to absolutely stick to friendship and don’t expect more. There is plenty time for relationships when you’ve healed and you may even decided you want to take time for yourself and your kids to rebuild the bond and trust an abuser destroys. There are so many happy endings after abuse but it takes time not to fall into the same trap. Have you done the freedom Programme? I’d highly recommend it x teaches us about abusers, how to spot them and keep,us safe. Good confidence boost too x

[Hetty]

I agree with what the others have said. It takes time to heal. I left my first husband when my son was a baby, he developed alcohol addiction so I had to leave and rebuild my life. I then entered a relationship (in what seemed like a reasonable timeframe) with someone I knew. I thought he was a safe bet. I thought I was psychologically strong. In many ways I was. However, I still had deep rooted vulnerability. My new partner (now my ex) must have sniffed it out a mile away. I was ripe for the picking. On the surface he seemed perfect and there were lots of positives I could see – seemingly good relationship with his kids and their mother etc. He acted like my mr perfect. Pretending to have the same values, outlook on life etc. All lies. He rushed me (now I know as love bombing). Well you will know how the rest of the story goes… my gut instincts were screaming out at me but for many reasons I ignored them and even thought there was something wrong with me.
I don’t want to seem like all doom and gloom, or an advocate of never having another relationship, but please be careful and give yourself time to heal. Is your heart really ready to be held by another? Even what seems like a little fun, no strings attached can deeply wound us. Think of it like playing catch with your most precious china. One wrong move and it’s smashed to pieces. Love yourself ❤️ Friendship first ❤️

[hop]

Don’t do it….just enjoy having a crush and making cute eyes at him. I got with an abuser and had known him since childhood. I saw red flags immediately and kind of brushed them under the carpet……then he wanted things sexually (more than I wanted to give) and it took me longer to get rid of him than I was actually seeing him. Dont forget everything that comes with a relationship, even a healthy one. Do you want that right now or are you after some company and fun? If you’re bored get a puppy or a kitten….don’t put the pressure on yourself x

[Eggshells]

Hi Overcome,

I didn’t want to rain on your parade so I took a while to think this over before I replied.

You will still be very vulnerable and my fear is that part of his attraction to you might be that he can see that. It will be in your body language and facial expressions, discreet and barely perceptible but there all the same.

Women often leave one abusive relationship only to fall straight into another. Abusive men don’t stumble across their partners, they target them.

I would also caution against having a relationship with anyone at work. If it all goes horribly wrong, you will be stuck with them and end up having to change jobs before you can go no contact.

I think the fact that you’re questioning if your last relationship will get in the way suggests that you’re not ready for another relationship just yet. Please consider this very carefully before you go any further. xx

[Overcome]

Hi all,

Thanks for the comments, I see a clear theme from all of the replies and it is what I know deep down. I am certainly not ready for a new relationship and to be honest I don’t want one yet. I would be happy to be this man’s friend and that alone. I think I’ve read too many quotes that saying things like if its meant to be it will be etc.

After sleeping on things I agree that because he seems like a nice person and is friendly I have hooked onto it a little too much in my thoughts, I guess I am still craving decent human companionship. Im still working on things and myself and trying to find out who I am again… I’ve started doing things I enjoy and that make my soul happy and I’m becoming a better mum for it too. I guess I am just getting swept up in the fantasy of having a happy ever after.

Im so glad I shared, I knew that this is the safe place to share and get the advice needed to stay grounded. So many other friends have told me to go for it but I knew deep down that its not the right time for me.

Hope you are all staying safe, love to you all.

Overcome x x x

[KIP.]

You will have your happy ever after when you’re good and ready. There’s no rush and if you take the time out to heal now it will be much better and you won’t have the abuse in the middle of it 💕

[gettingtired]

Hello Overcome, I had exactly the same experience as you but I’m still with my partner (nothing happened between myself and the work colleague but the attraction was clearly mutual and it took over my thoughts a lot and still does even though we don’t work together anymore). I think I also started to become obsessive in my mind and almost daydream about being with him instead of my partner as a form of escapism when in reality my colleague could have just been harmlessly flirting with me. We are vulnerable and as sad as it is I agree with everyone else. We have to put ourselves first and start to heal and realise we ARE good enough! I wish you all the best xx

[Author]

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