I have been away but I need you all now

[Tuppance]

Hi
I have been away a little while because I was really struggling with accepting and processing the end of my marriage and his behaviour and I felt guilty for reading about all these bad men of ours because a) mine was never physical b) mine wasn’t as bad as some of yours c) mine has finally started being nice half of the time d) I wondered if I was being too harsh on him. Then because I have been making firm plans to leave ( in secret ) my time has been so taken up with sorting this out. My mental health has got worse. My anxiety levels are screaming and I am now stammering and stuttering and shaking most of the time. Loud noises and chaos affect me and I even backed away scared of my daughter because she was so hyper.
(detail removed by moderator) I haven’t pushed the end is that with my mental state I have concluded that I can’t cope with the children. He is being nice and saying he will support me if it is the end and yet he comes out with these spiteful veiled insults. He welled up, didn’t cry, saying how bad his year has been but nothing like how awful he has made it for me. He says I am stringing him along whilst I make my decision which is sort of true but not in an unkind way. I am not showering him with affection and am as honest as I can be about my feelings. (detail removed by moderator)Sorry, I know I have been away for a while whilst I am trying to sort myself out if you are the only ones who can really help me make sense of my weekend. Thankyou xx

[KIP.]

Hi there, I was thinking about you and hoping you had moved to safety by now. Any contact with these men causes toxic anxiety. With anxiety comes an intolerance to loud noises. Your body is on high alert. Adrenalin coursing through your veins. Once you get away from him to a safe place, your body and mind will calm. He might not have physically hit you (mine never did either) but what he is doing to your mental health is much worse in my opinion and the effects last a lot longer. He’s laying on the guilt big time. He will try anything to get what he wants. Chop and change. Gaslight you. Lie and deny. Concentrate on getting yourself away from his mind games. Get yourself well and the rest will fall into place X

[Tuppance]

Sorry Lisa – obviously a huge chunk of my post was not allowable. There was more detail about how my sons behaviour has changed over the weekend to supporting his dad and accusing me of not talking. Getting pulled in both directions. Anyway, sorry Lisa and Thankyou KIP – so much has gone on for so long that the edges become blurred. I need to focus on the horrendous negativity and not the last couple of weeks of 50% nice guy xx

[KIP.]

Hi there, my son took his dad’s side too and it was heartbreaking but I got over it. It’s so cruel how these men drag their children into it. I kept telling my son it’s nothing to do with him. It’s between his dad and I. It wasn’t fair or nice of his father to involve him. It’s terrible when you feel they gang up. Keep working on getting away. Getting a safe place of your own where you can think clearly and plan your battle. I hung on to the crumbs of Mr Nice, hoping I could make it work but he continued to destroy my mental health with his nasty self serving destructive behaviour. They never change.

[older lady]

Hello, Tuppence. ‘mine wasn’t as bad’ but bad enough to damage your mental health! You have concluded you can’t cope with the children or is it the effect that the abuse has had on yourself and the children you can’t cope with? Now the abuser is playing nice and saying he will ‘help’ you. I had this. They harm you then say ‘oh, poor you, let me help put you back together’. I became very unwell and had to be admitted to hospital. The abuser changed behaviour. A year later he wanted recognition for this. He said ‘I’ve been very good, I’ve laid off you this past year…’. I’d nearly died. Xx

[Serenity]

Hi Tuppance,

I wondered how you were, too.

I agree that you shouldn’t minimise his abuse. The damaging effect of mental and emotional abuse is now recognised. Your mental and emotional health has been badly affected. You’ve been left in a state of extreme anxiety. A partner should never get you to that state. If they do, they are highly abusive. End of.

I wouldn’t trust his nice act. These men – when they think we are about to leave- either become aggressive and bullying or they put on a nice act to confuse you, stop you going it to manipulate you into not fighting for what’s yours in the financial court. Abusers only nice when it benefits them to be so.

Your physical state is telling you how desperately you need to get out. I can understand your hurt about your son. Your partner might be feeding him all kinds of rubbish to get him on side- as mine did.

But if you can be brave, get out and start to build a life where you can be at peace, you will grow in strength over time. I think we need to show our sons that women will not tolerate abuse. Your son is angry that things haven’t worked out, but he will adjust.

[Tuppance]

Thankyou for replying. It was my husband who said in his opinion I couldn’t cope with the kids and that is why I haven’t pushed the separation. He said that he will help me but that makes me angry and upset because he did this to me. He asked why I am so miserable ‘ I thought your tablets would help’ he said. I am trying but I have so much resentment and confusion and I am so b****y scared that if I lose my kids then I won’t be able to cope. How do you live without your babies? What purpose have I then? It will only be my love for my parents and brother that will stop me ending it all – I know that and that is scary too. I don’t trust myself to be able to find the strength to cope. How do you do it? He said we need a resolve but he always starts these conversations after he has been drinking and the kids are about. He said when I decide to tell him what I want then I am not allowed to write to him, send him an email or ‘book’ a chat with him. So what do I do? He said he will be angry if he gets a solicitors letter. He caused all of this and I feel like I am the bad person. He swore at me when I was struggling with my speech and trying to explain how the anxiety is affecting me. ‘ you can ‘f’ that ‘s**t’ in right now he shouted at me then he went off and left me to deal with our eldest who said it was my fault as I wasn’t talking. I can’t bear it. Truly I am not a bad person – I don’t think I have deserved this.

[Ayanna]

Tuppance, does your GP know this?
This man is making you crazy.
You sound like a very normal person. I doubt you have mental health issues when you are by yourself.
I think you should leave.
Do not allow him to make you feel so insecure.
You already had a plan. You can do this.

And no, you do not live only for your kids. It is great to have kids and to love them. But you are also on this planet for you. The kids will grow up and go their own ways. You have to think of yourself and what you want for yourself from this life and how you can find happiness for yourself.
The kids will always have a link to their dad. That is natural.
You need to think of yourself first. When they see you so helpless and broken they will always listen to their dad. This is Darwin’s law. We humans are animals after all and the bullies are the leaders.

Please keep posting here and share your thoughts. As I said, I doubt that you have mental health problems. You are a victim of severe abuse and bullying and you need to get out.

[Tuppance]

Thankyou ayanna. I just do not know anymore when I am normal or not to be honest. I had lunch today with a ‘friend’ at her insistence as she wanted to help me. This is the same friend who sent me into the worst anxiety attack of my life when she told me I was calculating and she didn’t agree with what I am doing. Today she started by saying she was worried for me and I started to open up a bit ( I have refrained since the last episode ) and we ended with her telling me she still didn’t agree with my actions and that her husband thinks I. Am trying to send HIM mad by being miserable so he will just walk out so I get to keep the house and that she feels sorry him and wants to give him a hug. Absolutely floored again. Why is it so hard to fight for what’s right ?

[Ayanna]

Tuppance, this is not a friend. She is an enemy and part of the crazy making.

Do not see her again. Ignore her calls, texts, … go zero contact with her.
You need people around you who support you and validate what you go through.

Speak to Women’s Aid, go to them regularly if you have a branch in your Borough.

Carry on with your plan to leave.

[KIP.]

I agree. Carry on with your plan to leave. He is the one making you ill. You need your own space. He is controlling you with the fear of what might happen. You won’t see clearly while he is threatening and controlling you like this. He is using the kids too. Move out as planned. Kids are very resilient. Get yourself well and then deal with that side of things. The indecision will add to your anxiety. I felt so much better once I had made my decision to have him arrested. After that it was just dealing with things one at a time X only deal with what is actually happening not what he tells you will happen X

[Tuppance]

Thankyou both. I am just going to keep things light and pleasant with my ‘friend’ so that no one (she) can say I am ignoring her or being rude. I do not need that negativity.
My plans continue and I feel motivated by what you said , KIP, that the making of the decision created huge anxiety but once decision made it was a lot better. I have a couple of really hard ones to make ( well hard for me ). I think I will put them to you all to see what you think . Thankyou again – your support means so much xx

[strong soul]

Hi tuppance, he is still abusing you by shifting blame from himself to you. He is also using your children to emotionally abuse you. By making you doubt yourself as a parent he is keeping you in the home and making you more dependent on him. The choice has to be yours, however in my opinion this relationship is toxic. Be strong and believe in yourself.

[Tuppance]

Thankyou strong soul. I agree. I know what I need to do but it is still so scary. I don’t think he can help himself – really I don’t x

[Author]

Posts