9th June 2016 at 10:27 pm #18872
oh well, i have maintained it for (detail removed by moderator) months without fail. I feel okay though and like a bit of a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I know that I do not want to be with him anymore and that I will not get hooked in to anything with him again. But at the same time I believe that I’m a nice person with a heart and friends. I don’t want to hate him, I feel pity for him if anything. Its likely we will never see each other again, and again that is ok. But to send an email or text once every so often or just a Christmas card seems reasonable to me. I sent him an email (detail removed by moderator), saying hello, I hope that he is well and it would be nice to stay in touch and be friends. If he starts doing craziness or mind games then at least i’ve put myself out there as me, a nice person. I feel that I’m coming out of this the winner. Even if he ignores my email, i will know that I acted with my own honesty & openness. X*X
9th June 2016 at 10:34 pm #18873
He is holding onto anger, i’m not. That is what I will think if he ignores me. I have been adult and decent whereas he hasn’t, if he ignores me. I think the thing with No Contact is if things then start escalating, ie. i feel sad and depressed and contact him again with a begging tone or he starts doing subtle mind games, thats when the problems start.
9th June 2016 at 10:47 pm #18875lover of no contactParticipant
I would google the No Contact rules. Just to get them back into your head to prepare yourself mentally for his response or his no reponse.
But whatever happens whether he responds or does not respond we are here for you and keep posting.
Either way, everything is learning, you will learn from this. No Contact is just a strategy to lessen our abuser’s impact on our mind, emotions and thoughts.
Sending one email means you are still doing minimum contact with him at the moment. If he responds you don’t have to respond back. You could leave it at that. The thing is not to get back into consistent contact with him.
9th June 2016 at 10:56 pm #18877
Thanks LONC, yes you are right, re if he responds. I might need some help in dealing with that. We dont’ live together, have kids or see each other anymore. I just found it horrible sharing a close relationship involving good and bad times to then not ever speak again. I know that I won’t get into consistent contact with him, he’s manipulative and into mind games, i cannot be doing with any of that now. I just wanted to wish him well. At least he would have read it, seen it was was friendly, seen that i’ve got no hang ups, issues and that I’m happy (without him!) and seen a really lovely photo that I attached where i look happy and that I were having fun. I attached the photo purely as a nice thing, we had a joint hobby and it were of me doing our joint hobby, waving. completely innocent just a nice thing to do. I send friends emails with photos attached, its a social, friendly thing.
10th June 2016 at 6:10 am #18878
this morning i’m asking myself If i made a mistake in sending him the email last night. I feel nervous, anxious and am asking myself what I have done wrong. At the moment he has no replied though it may be a bit early as I only sent it late last night. If he is a normal, mentally stable person who has let go and can move on with no issues then I should get some response within the next week. My dealings with him before involved silent treatment, being ignored, gas lighting and mind games. So its likely he’s not capable of such normality.
10th June 2016 at 6:32 am #18880
Hi there, You can see by your posts that contact is opening old wounds. Bringing back anxiety. you should ask yourself why you want to keep n contact with someone who hurt you badly. I once read that leaving an abuser was like they died. We don’t get closure, or contact. That’s the only way to survive. Please begin no contact again. Abusers only want to get close enough again to slap us. It’s a confidence thing. Once that returns you wouldn’t give someone like that the time of day. Stay strong. You’ve done so well this far❤️
10th June 2016 at 6:45 am #18882
Thanks KIP. Honestly I feel at this point in time i’m so much stronger. I am reasonably confident to move forward now without him dominating my thoughts. I will see what the next week brings and how I continue feeling. I’m a bit sad this morning as he has not replied & ask myself why can’t he just be normal. At the same time this gives me more power as aside from this hurt and getting over abuse, I am normal, nice & kind. Its his loss isn’t it. I will devise an action plan for now in case he does reply, i.e how to act, he is manipulative and has a way of hooking you into conversation. At least i’ve created the non hostile atmosphere, he see’s from my email i’m happy and not suffering. Its like i’ve let go. XXXXX
10th June 2016 at 6:48 am #18883
I may set myself a task of one year from now during which there will be 100% no contact. If i can manage that reasonably comfortably he should be totally out of my system & i’m just being friendly. I’ve done (detail removed by moderator) months now without falling apart.
10th June 2016 at 12:55 pm #18887
I am aiming for the state of mind where my happiness and internal peace is not determined by what he does or does not do.
10th June 2016 at 10:24 pm #18918
Thank you KIP & LONC for your kind feedback to me. I am really quite down today, i think it is because I sent him an email last night. I have thought about it all day today. Last night i was fine, I did not know I would feel like this today. I have been thinking about the best thing to do for my well being. This person had such a devastating effect on my mental health at the time of our break up I cannot allow anything like that to happen again. I think that he still has hooks in my mind & psyche, deep hooks. I think that I am feeling sensitive at the moment as I have just returned from our holiday, which I went to alone. It made me remissness. I think that there are going to be times that I will feel sad like this, Christmas, New Year etc. Now that I know these times are likely to play on my emotions I can be better prepared for them. I honestly know I could never get back with him. I’m just trying to manage my mental well being now that I have initiated some contact with him. It would sound absolutely crazy to people outside of this forum but I’ve sort of come up with a strategy what to do. I’m going to aim for at least 6 months from now, or possibly one year from now, strict NC with him or anybody he knows. Now that I’m aware these special times, Christmas etc effect me I can be prepared. So, as I mailed him last night, i’ve decided NC from now which means I will not reply to any response. I did not ask him any questions in the message i sent, so it was not requesting any response. I only said it would be nice to stay in touch & say hello every so often. Also I would like to stay in touch with his son and asked if i could have sons address so that I could send Xmas card etc. So the message that I sent to him last night was not engaging him in conversation, so I have got no need to reply. If he does provide the sons address i can always pick that up in the email in a couple of months time i’m not desperate for that right now. I thought what I would do is give my email inbox a couple of days for all of the junk mail i get to start filling up my inbox. What will happen then, i will log on & look at my inbox & i won’t see if he has replied or not replied as I get so much junk email this is likely to cover any message that he has sent me. I don’t think I would go searching for a message. I managed reasonably comfortably for 4 months with NC. Such mental tactics and so extreme, I am so nervous & on edge I have not felt this way in weeks.
11th June 2016 at 4:34 am #18933
Hi there, please don’t feel disheartened, there is a very valuable lesson to be learned here. The effect any sort of contact with this man has on you. If sending an email brings on this much anxiety you can only imagine the damage any contact will have. I am such a lover of no contact. It’s a barrier for all the mind games. It has saved me an enormous amount of pain. My ex has turned my step daughter against me. She even wrote to me telling me I’ve destroyed our family. Her father had an affair, assaulted me and abused me for decades but because of the manipulation she feels from her father, she takes it out on me. I would forget about his son. If he contacts you then fair enough but it’s just another reminder or trigger or point of contact your ex may use. In future, when you consider contacting him again, you can look back or better still keep a journal and write down all your feelings at the moment and re read them when you are tempted. I always remember something I read that said abusers only want to get close enough to slap us again. Don’t let him. Give yourself lots of time to heal. Don’t underestimate the mental trauma you have suffered. Do something nice for yourself today❤️
11th June 2016 at 7:09 am #18935
KIP, thank you so much for your comments, what you said above your ex being like a drug & you being the addict I could relate to that & i think now I know I have that problem it will be easier for me to manage ☺.I, m so sorry to hear about the loss of the relationship between you & your step daughter due to his stirring & manipulation, that is such a cruel & dishonest thing to do is,nt it,its shameful. I feel I may have made a mistake in making contact when at the time I did it,it was through an innocent wish to be friendly & wish him well. My emotions have been effective badly since I sent it, i actually feel terrified at the prospect of seeing his name as an unopened email in my inbox. I thought that a strategy that would work for me is to either stop using that email account or wait a week before I look in it again, that way I will not see if he has or hasn’t replied as it will be hidden by junk mail & if he has I won’t be tempted to open it. Any reading of his words I know now are going to cause me so much damage. He is manipulative, controlling & devious & it’s all subtle, I am like a lamb to the slaughter. 😢😦😵😳😢😟😳😢😟😳once I can comfortably open up the inbox without worrying of seeing or not seeing anything I think I will be better. I should then be able to remain NC for a while. Xxxxx
11th June 2016 at 7:59 am #18936SaharaDParticipant
Anyone who knows me from the years I’ve been on the forum knows I’m a straight talker and probably too direct and too honest.
I know you say you broke no contact with the very best of intentions. As said before this is like an addict saying I used because I was celebrating. The temporary high you feel is nothing compared to the come down. And with abusers there is always a come down.
While I was battling through the first few months of leaving, I decided to take the focus off of him. Your time, physical energy, mental strength and emotional energy are best used on yourself.
I get that you want to be nice but that’s like saying I want to be nice and give this cobra snake a body rub because I think it’s the right thing to do. (and to show the snake how nice I am and how not afraid of it I am). Inevitably you get bit one way or another causing damage.
Please try to stop giving him head space. I know easier said than done. Try writing an affirmation to that effect and read it morning and evening somewhere like the bathroom or the kitchen walls at head height.
Every time a thought of him or related to him comes into your head just say to yourself each time stop giving him head space.
Usually you may need to distract yourself to stop but eventually it is automatic.
If you truly want to heal you can’t allow anything or anyone related to him into your life. I know it’s a case of letting go. If you genuinely want the best for him you are better sending out those requests, vibes and prayers out to the universe and the Powers that be. You will the receive back the positivity you put out there by handling the situation wisely and the universe and the Powers that be may decide to channel your positivity to those who deserve it still in his life and not him.
Lord knows they need all the good karma they can get dealing with him.
It’s about learning to let go and accepting he is bad for you and you need to stay away to keep safe.
Just as the law of attraction says if you stay away then he will stay away physically and psychologically.
It worked so far for me. 😊
11th June 2016 at 8:22 am #18938
Sahara, thank you so much for your feedback and advice. I have been doing ok over the last four months, I even had days where I forgot about him and felt normal and those times increased. I had one day where I gave him virtually no head space at all. I had no real urges to contact him & he was also not contacting me at all. I think it was only becausue I have just returned from our joint holiday which I took alone, I thought he might have made contact with me to ask me how it went etc. Over the last 6 weeks I also got one text from his sons partner wishing me well, after he had visited and told them that we had finished. It possible me receiving this text from her set me off a bit. Now I think I have found a strategy to put right the wrongdoing I have done my emailing him I might be ok. I can stay away from my inbox and able to not read or see any responses he made. This will prevent any further contact between us. It has been do damaging for me to have got involved with this person. If this all goes to plan the next challenge is likely to be Christmas when I feel sad but by then I should be feeling much better. X*X
11th June 2016 at 3:26 pm #18958
Thank you for your feedback Serenity. I have got no idea if he has replied or not as i’ve not looked, i don’t plan on looking, i think that is the best way. Either way if he responds or ignores my well being is likely to be effected. sadly i don’t think its possible for us to have a simple friendship which is what I would have liked. I have just seem my neighbour, we had a chat in the street about the rain, a giggle at the flooding and then we both went out seperate ways. I would have liked to have had this type of innocent interaction with my ex, i dont think I can as he scares me and I always feel that I’m doing something wrong or being too needy. I was in a caring role from very small to grown adult for my dad who was ill and depended on me, i think this is where it comes from, me choosing men with something wrong with them and I try to help them fix it. I’m fairly sure i will get through the rest of the year ok, its only the recent holiday and the message from his daughter in law that has set me off. My dad who i loved was vulnerable and I cared for him and i believe my ex has issues which makes me sad for him. Anyway, i will be ok and have learnt my lesson about how it feels when I contact him, horrible. X*X
11th June 2016 at 3:44 pm #18960SerenityParticipant
It’s great that you recognise your wish to fix people. Recognising it is the biggest hurdle X
11th June 2016 at 6:40 pm #18964Confused123Participant
I think u will find this contact as eye opener and a good opportunity to reflect over it. Its good u dealing with all your feelings and I’m the same I say I want inner peace so to get the peace I have to some how overcome what he did to me. I choose not to make any contact with ex even though I have progressed from where I was x momnths since I left him . I feel by having any contact is giving him permission to mis treat me again, so I make no contact, yes I do get days where I think how he is,hope he gets the help , but it cant be from me sadly, without contradicting what I’m saying, if he calls to ask how kids r I say they r ok then end call, we are starting finaincal proceedings so again I avoid contact but do listen to what he has to say If it will help speed proceedings and be less costly for me, but sadly even though he is at moment being polite I know this just has to be dealt with via solciiotrs. Again another reason we have to remain no contact even though we moved on is beacause the contact can set of triggers for us . Hope my tips helps
11th June 2016 at 9:54 pm #18979
Hi Confused, yes your tips do help me, thank you. X*X I reget sending my ex an email a few days ago, my mum said to me I don’t know how he would have interpreted it. For myself, it came from a place of care and goodness, wishing him well for his future. No malice whatsoever, like a caring friend which is what I would have liked to have been. I have decided my best strategy is to the avoid like the plague my email inbox and then I cannot see any response or non response and not be tempted to read it. I know I will be hooked in one way or another if i look at the inbox, it is then likely i will step up the email contact with a second message, possibly even visit his house as in become a stalker. This is so not what I want to do and I will control this so that I do not resort to such measures. You Tube has some fantastic vidoes on narcisstic No Contact, they are so helpful. X*X
12th June 2016 at 5:19 pm #19006
I have just checked my email inbox and he hasn’t replied to the email that I sent to him 3 days ago. I feel relieved, that it is not right for me to be scared to look at my inbox and that I should be free to look at it if i want to. I don’t think he will reply and that is fine. I re-read the message and photo that I sent to him. It is just a nice simple message, saying hello and that I wished him well. I gave him the option of staying in touch or not, saying that each option was fine and I sent him a nice, innocent photo of me waving on holiday. It looks like he has cut off all contact now so fair enough. I don’t think I would lower myself to contact him again or start pursuing him as that WOULD be wrong.
13th June 2016 at 6:29 am #19054
He did not reply to my email, silent treatment, disguarded, rejected, its all hurtful. I think i’m a nice, decent person, we could have both moved on with peace, no hang ups, lessons learnt and experience had he replied to me. Instead he has left me hanging, unanswered questions and sadness in my soul, so unfair. I do hope that karma comes around he he learns from this one day.
13th June 2016 at 11:07 pm #19113
I checked my email inbox tonight to see if he had replied to my message, the thought of even opening my email and then actually opening it filled me with dread. Then I saw that he had not replied and I felt relief. Phew!
14th June 2016 at 6:51 am #19119
Just went to check my email inbox, the thought of doing so made me feel full of overwhelming dread and gloom at the prospect of any contact…………..I saw that he had not replied to me and I felt lightness and relief. So sad to deal with a person who is unable to behave normally, if I did not have the being ignored, anger and hostility in him, i would not have such feelings of dread. If he were more light & normal we would have the chance to say hello and for us to both check in with how we are. He is not like this and cannot do that, I pity him for his internal issues.
14th June 2016 at 10:08 pm #19168
Checked my inbox again, he still has not replied, I feel relieved & happy.
Just brought a book, it has a great section on trauma bonding, Why does he Do That?, by Lundy Bancroft.
14th June 2016 at 10:48 pm #19171godschildParticipant
Brilliant book, would recommend it to anyone
15th June 2016 at 6:32 am #19176
I have looked at my inbox again this morning, he has not replied, i feel such happiness & relief. I think this will allow me to move on with more happiness in my heart, to let go. I have been mentally trapped with trauma bonding for 4 months, i feel so happy. My friend said to me that it is his loss. I offered if not friends, the chance for us both to let go & move forward, learning from our mistakes and having no animosity which can lead to bad physical health, stress/cancer etc. I could have been a distant friend or even if not that, someone whom he holds no grudges and anger within himself because of. He has chosen that he doesn’t want this. I think that he is the victim now. I’m sorry to have posted so much, it really helps to get it all out and written down, it is therapeutic.
16th June 2016 at 9:41 pm #19333
(detail removed by moderator) he has not replied to the decent, normal and respectful email that I sent to him. No response or acknowledgment. I feel that this has released me from my prison of grief and emotional pain and has been a huge relief. I feel so much happier, as though i’m really now getting my life back. I know that this forum and all of the books say No Contact is the way. But for me this small, innocent gesture has set me free from the ties of grief tied in with covert manipulation that I have had since we split. I am starting to no longer care and that is great. As the time goes on with NC and the end of the relationship, the What Ifs become less important. What if he were cheating when he were with me, what if he met someone else and left me for her, what if it were he who ended it with me, all of these things, hurtful though they are, in the big scheme of things they are not that important. What is important is how life is now and the prospects for moving forward happily. I have no doubt of my wellbeing now and into the future, with him it would have been so different, awful. When we split I considered getting back together and what they would entail. I thought about it for no more than 5 minutes and had my decision, he was such hard work. The negatives far far outweighed the positives.
30th June 2016 at 11:09 pm #20595
Dear ladies, I would be grateful for your feedback on whether you really feel that I showed my hand & gave away my power when I contacted him 3 weeks ago. I can take brutal honesty. The email was in no means needy or even suggesting reconciling, it acknowledged that we had both moved on & that I was fine with that.I wished him well, said it would be nice to stay in touch & be friends 😯😯😯😯but if he didn’t want to that was equally fine.
30th June 2016 at 11:35 pm #20596
Hi there, only you know how you feel. If you’re in a strong enough place to cope with contact. Even if you do feel strong enough to contact him, you need to ask yourself why? I had two broken relationships before my marriage and moved on very quickly. Didn’t crave contact the way I did with my ex. I wouldn’t look at it like you gave away your power. You slipped up like many of us have. What did you really want from your email? If its closure, I doubt you will get it from him. The fact that you’re still letting it affect you just shows the trauma and dysfunction these men cause x look at it as a painful lesson. It will make you stronger❤️
30th June 2016 at 11:37 pm #20597SerenityParticipant
I begged my abuser to stay, even though he was evil.
Later, I began to cringe about this, but then I thought, no, I was being true to myself at the time; I was caught up in trauma-bonding; I was acting authentically.
It is abusers who play games and don’t act authentically.
You were being true to yourself at the time. You felt compelled to contact him. You were just showing yourself to be a normal person, as normal people have complex feelings whilst abusers are shallow and mechanical.
Don’t feel ashamed or that you gave your power away. Better to act genuinely.
And when you have moved on fully, that will be d**n right genuine too!
1st July 2016 at 6:05 am #20604
Thank you for your replies KIP & Serenity. It was amazing how that his response, i.e to ignore me gave me more or less full closure what I had been looking for for months since the split. It was as if he had confirmed that he was rude and disrespectful & not somebody I want in my life. At that point that I got the key to the prison that I have been locked in & I felt free. I was and still am pleased that he didn’t respond and pleased we are no longer together. I have just thought recently that I may have showed my hand by contacting him and gave him an advantage. Honestly it was done from my point of view out of pure friendliness & care for someones wellbeing. How you would write to an old friend sort of thing. At least he got from the tone of my message that i’m happy, doing well and have no hard feelings. Maybe he didn’t reply or didn’t want to stay in touch as it would be a constant reminder to him of his loss.
1st July 2016 at 6:17 am #20606SaharaDParticipant
I think you are learning a lesson however painful and slow.
You haven’t given him an advantage or shown your hand. This isn’t a battle with him anymore. This is a battle within yourself to become indifferent to him.
As for power, you haven’t given him it over you. Maybe a little bit of your headspace, time and energy for almost a month but you are beginning to realise he no longer has power over you and as long as you never go back he never will again.
I know you still have questions and assumptions but at some point you will accept that you will not get them answered or proven and you no longer care.
Bit by bit. I no longer care about my abusive husband. I’m indifferent and he is no longer relevant in my life.
1st July 2016 at 6:29 am #20609
Thank you for your response Sahara. A small part of me regrets that email I sent him, it was only because i thought that he was damaged and I care that he was happy and doing ok. His life is & will continue to be s**t due to his actions. He will end up on the scrapheap which makes me feel sad. I know with no doubt & have known all along that I would never get back together, i think i’ve got a caring nature and am warm hearted. I thought it would be nice to even if not be friends, have no animosity, that is what I was aiming for. I won’t ever contact him or anybody that he knows now again, i know that. I’m doing really well and am happy now. XXXXX
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