I have done it – hopefully for good this time

[Huesera]

Hi all,

I have done it. I have thrown him out.
I know, I have said this before, I know, I have said before that this is it, that there is no way back. That he has gone too far..
We had such a lovely day (detail removed by moderator)  but (detail removed by moderator) he had a go at my daughter. Completely unprovoked he shouted at her and called her names. So I told him to pack his bag and to leave. (Detail removed by moderator). 

He said something about if he has people (police) knocking on the door about the way he has treated me or the kids (abusive language, pushed me down my entrance steps, pushed me into my (detail removed by moderator)  resulting in massive bruises).. I drove off and did not wait to hear out what would happen if he has knocks at his door (he won’t anyway).

Anyway, only had one text from him asking me (detail removed by moderator) . I did not reply.

My son has been crying a lot, my daughter and I were fine. Although it is starting to daunt on me and just feel like crying for the good times. Also, who is helping me know fixing stuff? Or help with the garden? I have no family and no friends whatsoever – lost touch with everyone during this relationship.

Got to stay strong – hope I can keep it up this time. I want to text him or even call him – but I KNOW that that would be the worst thing I could do.

I will get through this, somehow (I just don’t believe it myself yet)…

[lover of no contact]

Well done Huesera, you will get through it…One Day At A Time. Use the No Contact strategy. It works. Do whatever it takes to prevent his words having access to you. He will try to engage you. He will want contact or then he may try the ‘silence tactic’ which will be hard for you. But you have us. Post as much as you need for support to move though your feelings. Mark day 1 on a calendar starting today, then day 2 etc. each day of No Contact another mark.

Today is the first step of a life lived free from abuse for you and your son and daughter.

[Huesera]

Thank you so much for your words of support. No contact strategy makes so much sense – last times I fell for him as he sweet talked me. Love the idea of marking the calender. Will try that, and set myself a little reward after every day for the first week, then every week. It is hard, I do want to call him – but I KNOW that I have to keep strong. Deleting his details of my phones might be the way forward… I want to print out pictures of the bruises I had etc to make sure I won’t forget why this had to be over!

[lover of no contact]

Great ideas, the rewards, the deleting of his details and the printing out pictures of the bruises he gave you. Its best that you don’t even know he’s trying to phone you.

He will persist. Persistence, persistence, persistence that’s what they do. Or silence, silence, silence which is equally hard. With the persistence he will eventually stop if you give him no access to you. He will be forced to get his ‘sick highs’ off another victim. At the moment he won’t want to put the energy and expense into priming a new victim, you are easier as he has spent such a long time getting you where he wants. So he’ll put him energy into trying to engage you. That’s where the No Contact strategies protect you.

You are in for a roller-coaster of emotions maybe but we all had to go through them to get free of the abuser. We can help you on a daily basis. You are not alone in doing this. He made sure you became heavily addicted to him, the detoxing is hard but oh so worth it and eventually it gets easier. But the relief on a day to day basis of not having to put up with being hurt, mistreated will be great. Just imagine waking up tomorrow and no walking on egg-shells, no having to put up with his verbal rubbish.

You no longer have to deal with him and his moods you just have to deal with your own emotions.

[survivr]

Well done, you’ve done the “easy” part and now comes the hard part.

He’s spent time making you dependent on him. You question who’s going to do all the things that you relied on him to do. He’s made you think that only he can do them, no-one else can, you couldn’t!

That’s a lie to keep you dependent on him. So jobs need doing. You will either do them yourself, ask/pay someone else to do them or leave them undone. My partner did so much for me that I was very dependent on him but I do the jobs now or they get left undone because I can’t afford to pay someone else lol. It’s actually quite liberating to attempt a task and make a success of it 🙂

Remembering “The good times” are harder to get through. We remember only the good times, that special day spent on the beach and forget how he was in a bad mood the whole day and everyone had to tiptoe around him until suddenly he brightened up and we were allowed to have a fun half an hour but checked on his mood the whole time in case we triggered his bad mood off again.

Do you keep a diary or even write down his abuse? I’ve found it helps to focus on the “bad times”.

Also when you’re remembering the good times it helps to ask yourself “If the good times were so good why did I need him to leave?”

You need to reach back out to your family and friends, i’m sure they’d be happy to help you stay away from him and keep coming on here. We’ve been there and know how you feel

[Huesera]

You are so right about the few good times which so depended on his moods. All the tiptoeing around on eggshells – gosh I am glad that is gone. So good yesterday driving home without a phonecall about “where are you?”, “why are you only there – not further ahead in your journey? Did you leave late? Did you give someone a lift? Who is in the car with you?”, etc, etc… It had to end! And yes, I will make new friends, and I might even be able to resurrect old friendships. One thing after the other… I found yesterday morning really hard but it got better as the day got on. I kept a diary since January. Most pages contain the word’argued’ – lol. He is silent which is good, but at the same time it is so hard not to contact him. I want to tell him that I hope he is ok, but I know that I must not do it. I took him out of my favorite contacts which was good. I take it hour by hour, day by day and am trying to keep busy and enjoying time with the kids. Thank you for just being there and listening to my ranting.. I CAN do this!

[survivr]

Yes, you can do this! You can reconnect with old friends. A couple of years ago I got in touch with an old school friend and found out she was in the exact place as me. I still remember jokingly saying to her we’ll still be here (in this situation) in 10 years time. Then we looked at each other in disbelief that yes, actually, we both could be. I was determined then that I wouldn’t but I still took him back.

Now i’m alone again but not lonely. Last time I was but in that last break up I did gain strength and learnt to stand on my own two feet so knew I could do it again. On our last family holiday I tried something, that he always did for us, and loved it, that really gave me confidence in myself. And gives me the confidence to I know I will be able to do the same thing on other family holidays without him. He was the one in control over this thing and loved having it, it has caused a few issues over the years but the knowledge that I can do it gives me so much strength.

Last time I wanted to keep contact with him, I wanted to know what he was up to but this time I don’t want to know and when he deleted me from his friends list in a fit of jealousy I have not re-added him because I don’t want to know what he’s up to and I don’t want to have to cope with his jealousy when he see’s what i’ve been up to. The only contact I want is to do with the kids. It’s a relief to feel this way and I wish I knew how i’d got to this point because then I could tell you what steps to take so that you too could stop thinking about how he is.

I suppose it’s the conditioning that they do. They condition us to think only of how they feel but I no longer worry about how he feels. I know he’s feeling sorry for himself, only thinking about himself, I don’t need him to tell me or show me that.

I now look forward to a bright shiny future. It doesn’t scare me like it did last time. I’ve seen him for the abuser he is, I know without a doubt, now, that he’s not going to change, ever! Do you still believe that yours might change? That if you do this, or that, that he might change?

I think the knowledge that he’s never going to change is what is giving me strength this time around. The knowledge that there’s nothing I can do or say that will convince him to change. I’ve stopped thinking about how to convince him because I know it won’t work, he doesn’t see that his abuse of me is wrong because he doesn’t see it as abuse. He see’s that he has the right, he has the justification for continuing to abuse me. That’s exactly how your abuser thinks too

[Huesera]

He called last night. His name did not come up, hence I answered.
He tried to get me to tell him when I am free, so I told him to let me know why he wants to know it. He said he has stuff to collect, so I told him that he can text me a list, I’d be pleased to pack (he only has tea bags left here).
He asked me what I have been tweeting about him (lol!) – nothing, I don’t tweet (rofl!).
He was a bit more threatening (“be careful what you tweet/ say about me…”). Well, I only posted here, nowhere else…. He also mentioned that we did not break up on a good note and hence he wants me to tell him when I am free.. Apperantly it was my choice (*cringe*)
Yay me for staying stubborn and not falling into the trap! I am oh so tempted to find out what he wants (maybe he wants to offer to help with my garden etc, stay friends etc) but I KNOW that that would mean to fall for him again. He made me feel dependent on him for stuff like that, time to tackle it all myself!

I also had an email from my ex husband and father of my children who voiced his concerns about what happened in my house over the weekend (the kids told him). Apperently he had taken legal advise hence the email voicing his concern and asking for what steps I have taken to ensue the children don’t need to witness such language/ behaviour again….

[Innisfree]

Hi Huesera

Well done! Sounds like you’ve taken a really important step in protecting yourself and your kids’ future.

I remember feeling like I was incapable of doing basic tasks but that’s the trick, isn’t it? In reality there’s a JOY in hanging a picture (even if it’s wonky or ESPECIALLY if it’s wonky), or arriving home late, or booking the wrong train, or choosing food you don’t like because they are your mistakes and your lessons. What freedom. I still get a buzz from buying myself a coffee lol.

Take care and love x

[survivr]

Just remember how well he knows you when you speak to him. He is being all rational now to confuse you. Yes, he’ll probably offer to help you as he knows that’s one way that he can get his foot in the door. He’ll come and you’ll have a wonderful day together and you’ll realise how much you miss him. But as soon as he’s back he’ll be back to his normal abusive behaviour :'(

[Huesera]

Thank you all for your responses and your support. I am still strong and taking day by day. I have not contacted him and have not heard from him again.

I am finding it quite hard though. I have not cried, but my soul is crying. It is not (yet) getting easier, but it seems harder with every day at the moment. I just keep trying to remember the nasty things, and I do seem to remember more and more of them.. Yet at the same time, I worry for him, want to know if he is ok, want to tell him so many things… Good job I am terribly busy this week that I only really have time to ‘miss’ him in the morning and at work…
I am going away for (removed by moderator) soon, asked a neighbour to look after my place – but am worried about that stuff might happen…

[Author]

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