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Hi there, new to the forum so this is my first post.
I am looking for some reassurance really. I left him (detail removed by Moderator) ago following a relatively turbulent (detail removed by Moderator) years together. A lot has happened for both of us in general, and I guess I have spent a long time using all the things that have happened as excuses for his behaviour. But probably from the start of (detail removed by Moderator) I realised how unhappy I was and started making a list of things that happened on my phone. The more things I wrote down, the more I started to think this was abuse and it all came to a head recently which resulted in me leaving. Since then, he has been nothing but lovely, begging me to come back, promising to change his ways etc. I know this is a typical tactic however it has still left me feeling really uneasy and unsure whether I have done the right thing…so I’m hoping some of you who have been through similar may be able to share your experiences with me and help me get my mind back on track. We did share some happy times, and not every day was bad, but the bad days probably did outway the good (particularly towards the end.)
I won’t list all the examples as it will take me forever, and forever for you to read, but a few things that have happened over our time together are:
– He drinks quite heavily, horrible personality when drunk. Never apologises after behaviour the next day
– Comments about going out and seeing friends/family post Covid lockdowns
– Very easily angry with me an in general. Shouts at me, calls me names etc. Never physically violent towards me, but has punched/kicked doors/walls, broken things. If he gets really angry he clenches his jaw and can look quite scary
– Silent treatment if I do or say something to upset him. Tells me to just leave him alone and won’t speak with me for hours
– Very boastful and things incredibly highly of himself, very rarely has anything nice to say about anyone else. Constantly seeking out compliments from me about his appearance, things he has done around the house etc.
– Not interested in my past. If I try to tell him a story about a place I have been or something I have done he totally blanks me or says I’m showing off
– Negative comments about my family and friends
– Says I never prioritise him over other things such as exercise, seeing my friends etc. Always a negative comment about how long I have been out for when I get home. Almost feel like I am punished for leaving the house
– He has children, and he tells me I do not show them ‘enough love’
– Spins arguments on me. I can tell him I have an issue with something and he changes the whole conversation so that it becomes about a totally unrelated issue he has with me
– Very strong opinions on things. For example, (detail removed by Moderator)
– Punishes my dog when I do something he doesn’t like. For example, he will totally ignore her if I don’t show the children ‘enough love’
– Huge tantrums and rants over the smallest things. Won’t let me get a word in edgeways or listen to my opinions
– Tells me it is my job to give him a cuddle when I get home from work, but he doesn’t give me a cuddle if I am home when he gets back
– Says things like ‘you are nothing without me and I am nothing without you’, ‘no one will ever love you as much as I do’ etc
– Threatens me with breaking up, ‘this relationship will only go one way if we carry on the way we are’
– Can be controlling with things, for example food. (Detail removed by Moderator).
– Comments about how I look during the weekend, such as asking why I only make effort when I go to work and not for him. Has also asked me to change my top if it is too low cutI could go on….there are so many things I could list. When I write it down like that it definitely helps me to see and think more clearly. But it’s still so hard. I feel like I am grieving, I feel lost. And it is so so tough not to just think of the happy times and the positive sides of our relationship (there were some, and we did share some good times.)
Any responses greatly appreciated. And I apologise for the lengthy post!
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Could very easily be reading about my own relationship, ex was an alcoholic, described basically same as what I went through , I had a lengthy time apart from him and I thought naively losing me would spur him to change as he had promised he had , went back for a further few months into the relationship thinking all would be great now , it was worse , his drinking had escalated, he was withdrawing then expected me to enable , controlling me , abusive , suicidal threats again. For me going back helped me to realise nothing will change this will be my life and I don’t want this for me anymore, so I called it a day for good and just walked away , don’t get me wrong not easy as I absolutely loved him to bits , but I couldn’t physically and mentally take the strain anymore, constantly arguing had broken it , his drinking wouldn’t stop and doesn’t want to , it’s not the life for me and I’m happier as I have peace of mind .
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Hi Lostandconfused
Welcome to the forum.
What you are feeling is very normal and very natural. Right the way through your relationship you hold on to the hope that the nice side of him will win through. That is what keeps us in the relationship. Please Google the cycle of abuse. The “reconciliation” or “honeymoon” phase serves 2 purposes. It shows you that he can be nice and builds the hope that he will be more like that in future and it trauma bonds us to them.
When we leave, we grieve for the loss of the nice side of him but we also need to mourne the loss of the hope that we held so tightly to. Depending on how co-dependent you were, you can also experience a huge vacuous hole in your life. Your personality can be so shaped around being the woman that he wanted you to be that you can find that you no longer know who you are. You have to start to find out who you really are and start reshaping yourself.
The being nice and promising he’ll change are just him moving into his latest reconciliation phase. If you go back, the cycle will continue -as it always has- but this time the abuse will be worse because he’s angry with you. In his perception you’ve made him grovel and he’ll want to punish you for that.
Surround yourself with close friends and relatives. Good support can make a huge difference at this time. xx
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All of the above is sooo true , I didn’t even recognise myself anymore, I was so preoccupied in keeping him happy , his wants & needs I lost myself, punished for what he perceives was wrong doing. I.e busy working not jumping as soon as he calls or texts , I think you choose to forget how bad it really is , but that hit home reading the above .
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I had no idea how common this is…I’m so so sorry for us all, but grateful to hear your experiences and that we all know, despite being so difficult to leave, that how we are or have been treated, is plainly wrong. I feel sick and scared all the time and the horrors of all the years of abuse are catching me unawares…this is so so hard.
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Tbh I wish I had known then what I know now , I’d never heard of these types of relationships, I thought it’s gtta be me doing everything wrong as his had so many long term relationships, can’t be him then , plus he was older I thought maybe set in his ways , I made too many allowances, too many excuses, went back too many times , yes you are right the years of it all catch up with you , but what you are feeling is perfectly normal, we have all been there , it’s really , really hard to leave these relationships, I was so hooked on him like a drug it is , I thought I would never be able to move on from him , but I take each day as a new day , focus on me , my goals in life , read on cycles of abuse , trauma bonding, attachment issues , codependent relationships, knowledge is key and your power for moving forward xx
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Thank you so much for your responses ladies. I’m so sorry to hear so many of us have gone through similar things. Like you Duchess I had absolutely no idea these types of relationships existed, and I too put it down to me doing something wrong, or him being set in his ways as he is also older than me. I kept thinking things would improve, and sometimes they would for a short time, and then it would revert back. The cycle explained by someone else above is so so true! I have started reading ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft which is helping when I feel like I’m having a blip, and would highly recommend it to anyone who hasn’t read it already.
I know it will take time to heal, and to withdraw myself from him totally. I too feel that he is like a drug, so addictive, but it makes no sense. Why would someone so nasty be so addictive. Much more reading for me to do to understand that and be able to move on properly I think.
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One thing that stood out to me, that someone elelse just wrote above ‘this would be my life’.
I had a shock realisation in the same way,when I was literally getting suicidal thoughts from the stress his abuse was causing to my mental health.
I didn’t want a life like that, full of fear and rejection…why did I stay? Because I wanted to believe he could change…. biggest mistake thinking these robotic pattern repeating abusers could ever ever change.
They don’t change…have no regrets and keep safe from them.
Life will get better they say….I’m still waiting for that bit as I’m still being stalked…
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One thing that stood out to me, that someone elelse just wrote above ‘this would be my life’.
I had a shock realisation in the same way,when I was literally getting suicidal thoughts from the stress his abuse was causing to my mental health.
I didn’t want a life like that, full of fear and rejection…why did I stay? Because I wanted to believe he could change…. biggest mistake thinking these robotic pattern repeating abusers could ever ever change.
They don’t change…have no regrets and keep safe from them.
Life will get better they say….I’m still waiting for that bit as I’m still being stalked…
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This is from the Betterhelp website:
Traumatic bonding is when the survivor feels connected to their abuser based on attachment amid the abuse. During the stressful points in the relationship, the survivor has elevated cortisol levels. The survivor feels like they’re on the edge, thinking that they may be hurt or abandoned by their abuser if they don’t listen to them. They’re desperately seeking the reward hormone dopamine, which is a pleasure chemical. When the abuser gives the survivor affection, they’re rewarded with dopamine, which further reinforces the traumatic bond.
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Eggshells thank you for sharing this! I had read about trauma bonding but this makes perfect sense!
I have woken up this morning feeling awful, I feel this awful sense of guilt and loss. I feel nauseous and my head constantly hurts. He has gone from filling my inbox with false promises to change and telling me I’m the best thing to ever happen to him to ignoring my messages requesting the return of my belongings. The silly thing about it is I kind of saw it all coming, I think I knew a long time ago it wasn’t right, but I just didn’t have the courage to do anything about it. And I was probably scared of this bit and the unknown!
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I wouldn’t contact him requesting your things as that’s putting him in control , his playing the game again, sulking and punishing you for not doing what he wants , if possible get a third party to request your stuff , as he will use this as an excuse to hold over you . The amount of times I had this issue myself to him ignoring me and sulking , it’s because they are not ready to call it a day , your doing it , so he doesn’t like it . All tactics they use to keep you as you are , don’t let him ruin your day or your life , it’s all manipulative behaviour, show him you mean it , be strong and follow through , you can do this x
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Also give him a time frame in requesting your things and to either get someone to drop them off to you or a friend will be collecting from him , try and not go yourself and get someone to act on your behalf in requesting them . Take care x
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Hi Listandconfused
Hang on in there my lovely. I always found the feelings were worse in the morning. Once I got up and started my day, the nerves started to dissipate.
Try to eat if you can. If you can’t, have plenty of fluids. Take painkillers. Do everything you can to relieve the symptoms you are experiencing. It can be abit if a catch 22. The more you feel sick etc, the more nervous you become.
Do you have any coping strategies? Mindfulness, walking, etc?
If not, please post. The collective armoury of the women on the forum is legendary for giving strategies to help you deal with these feelings.
Hang on in there my lovely. These feelings will pass but it can be a slow process. You can do this. xx
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Thank you for the advice about collecting my belongings – I had been feeling really anxious about going back to the house so I agree this is a sensible option. In reality I could just go to the house when I know he will be at work and get it all, but I don’t feel comfortable doing that at the moment! The sad thing is I have drifted apart from my friends recently so I am not sure who I could ask to go for me now.
Eggshells, your kind words mean more than you know, thank you! I am trying to eat but the morning nausea is definitely worse! Running is my coping mechanism but I wonder whether I could be doing more to help myself…perhaps yoga or mindfulness.
Thank you all so much xx
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Lostandconfused – I feel like we have dated the same person! The things you describe are everything I experienced too. And I had massive doubts as to whether it was abuse. He would have massive tantrums, shout over me, tell me exactly how I should have acted so that I didn’t make him angry. He also had absolutely no interest in hearing about my past, and would literally walk out of the room if I mentioned something about it. And my poor dog would get shut away elsewhere in the house to punish me.
It makes you feel like a mad woman to then miss them so much.
It’s so so hard to stay away but it’s so important. It took me many break ups and reconciliations. I had to block him in every way possible and it was only then that I could start to get some perspective and see the reality of it.
This forum is a wonderful place to come when those doubts start to creep in. You deserve better than him xx
Ps I recommend a shakti mat 😁 -
ddia, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through the same as me, although it’s strangely reassuring to hear other people’s stories as I had definitely started to wonder whether it was just me. Was it all my fault? Was I imagining it? Was I over reacting?? I went so long thinking perhaps this was how a relationship should be, as my previous relationship failed for totally different reasons.
I am starting to think I’m going to have to totally block him as well. He is currently claiming to have totally given up drinking, and spamming me with endless memories and pictures from our time together in an attempt to make me miss him I guess. Although every single part of my being knows I don’t want to (and won’t) go back to him, it is still so hard and the doubts creep in every now and then. Like, ‘maybe it wasn’t that bad’ and ‘perhaps he will change’. And I do miss him…how ridiculous!
About to google ‘shakti mat’….! 🙂
p.s. this forum is a god send xx
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I had that love spamming too, and he’d send photos of us together to remind me of the good times. And it worked, I went back and we had (removed by moderator) blissful weeks. And then things were worse than ever. For my own situation, I actually think he meant what he said at the time, as when he is being calm and reasonable he will admit that he drinks too much and is not a good communicator. But once back together, he just couldn’t stick to those changes because of all of his own inner turmoil, and so when he drank he felt like he’d failed, so got angry and I bore the brunt of it.cue the cycle beginning again.
It helped me immensely to research n**********c abuse, come here and find people like yourself who have gone through the same because it’s such a confusing thing to go through. I still have pangs where I miss him, and do still disappear down a black hole of doubt and think that it was all down to me. He would reinforce this a lot, and say that I was destroying the relationship through my inability to accept any criticism, lack of empathy and being dead inside. He’d tell me that this is how relationships should be, and that I just wasn’t putting in the effort, and I totally believed that for a long time.
Ive never had to dig so deep to stick to the no contact, but it’s worth it. Life is so much better on this side – peace, space and freedom to be you are waiting 😁❤️ -
ddia, I have had exactly the same as you. The photos of us together etc and reminders of all the good times. Similarly to you I also believe he means what he says at times. I think he acknowledges he drinks too much and can be unpleasant. In the past when I left temporarily, he made efforts to change, was drinking much less and was generally a more pleasant person, but it didn’t last long. Like you mentioned, its the inner demons that can’t be controlled that eventually creep back in….its sad really but I do feel sorry for him.
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He’s playing on your feelings all those things you listed are just going to be the reality all over again (it’s normal that you want to believe it who doesn’t want a nice relationship?) but your feelings are probably vulnerable at the minute, just give yourself some time and space away from him and look at all your traits and look at his, who would be benefitting the most from a reconciliation? 💛🧡💛
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I felt sorry for mine, I still do. To be in that much pain in your own head that you need to lash out at everyone around you, you need alcohol to mask it, and to admit that you don’t have any friends. To be able to stand over your girlfriend and intimidate her, threaten her and not feel remorse… it is sad. But it is unacceptable, and only they can address their inner demons.These people are manipulators and your ex will know what to say to garner sympathy from you. Believe in the patterns, not the words.
If you haven’t come across Maddy Anholt yet, look her up. Her book was the turning point for me.
You are absolutely not alone in how you are feeling. Please be kind to yourself and keep reaching out on here as there are so many supportive women who understand xx
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Hi Lostandconfused,
You could be talking about my ex too. I also felt very sad initially, even knowing it was the right decision.
The thing is, we’ve spent a long time being controlled by these men, so even though we’ve left them they continue to occupy our thoughts. They rarely allow us to just leave.
My ex did odd things. Turned up unannounced several times at my local pub (over (detail removed by Moderator) hours drive) acting like we were best buddies, invited me to a gig, complimented my appearance, was all smiles with my friends, assumed I’d want to talk to him, hug him.
Seeing him was traumatic but revealing. He was such a fraud, turning on the nice guy act when it suited him. He repulsed me and I had no regrets, save for how long it took me to end it.
I’d say, go get your things when you’re sure he’s out. Don’t ask his permission and don’t give him notice. You’ve already tried that and he’s been obstructive. Take a friend or two in case he turns up – he’ll be on his best behaviour with an audience. You could pop your key through the letterbox when you’re done. That’s a clear statement.
Try not to read his messages. Or read them but don’t respond. Best not to do social media updates for a time too. I wouldn’t block him just yet as it’ll force him to find another way to contact you. This might sound paranoid but best to be cautious.
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Hi Camel, thanks for your reply. Gosh how odd that your ex just showed up places, and behaving like your best friend…! Fortunately we don’t have mutual friends (he doesn’t seem to have any friends actually, didn’t have a good word to say about anybody apart from himself…) which makes things a bit easier.
Thank you for your advice about collecting my things, I totally agree and have a plan now so hopefully it’ll all be sorted soon.
He has now gone from love bombing me to some quite unpleasant messages yesterday which has made a bit easier for me to cope this weekend because he is showing his true colours. Now I’ve silenced his WhatsApp so he can’t ruin my day!
Thank you again, this support is so valuable xx
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Hi – I read your post and this thread and just wanted to say well done for leaving. You’ve shown courage that is so difficult to muster and it sounds like you’re almost through the hardest part.
Honestly please hold onto everything that has been said and the support you have in this community. I have a partner who was abusive in the past. I’ve left before but never for good. He is now behaving like a normal boyfriend and we’ve moved forward – however the problem is, it’s left a scar. Despite things being better generally, I cannot forget his behaviour and I’m still privately dealing with my own pain, high levels of anxiety about the future, lots of insecurity and a sense of uncertainty.
It all feels very complicated and I think now that you’re in a good space, you should hold onto that and make steps towards a happier, brighter future. Don’t look back – you’re worth it xxxx
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