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    • #7862

      (Detail removed by moderator) days ago, my husband threatened to hit me for the first time. It opened my eyes to just how bad his behaviour had gotten. Yesterday I came to my sisters to give myself a break and to think about things. Yesterday he kept messaging me, beating himself up and being loving and sweet. Asking me to come home because he missed me and such. He called me about five times, even after I didn’t answer but I tried not to let it bother me.

      This evening after I finished work, he asked me to come home again, despite knowing exactly why I wasn’t going to. When I told him no, he started getting angry and upset. He started telling me that I would be better off without him and that he should be alone and that he’s horrible and he’s sorry. I got overwhelmed and couldn’t say much. I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t say the right thing obviously.

      He started saying he was going to hurt himself, in a really odd way which I’m not going to disclose. And now he’s angry with me because I didn’t deny all the things he was saying. That I didn’t say I needed him and that I loved him. Is this all my fault? What did I do wrong?

    • #7864

      More emotional blackmail finkle,
      And you shouldn’t be made to feel you ‘have to say the right things and pander to him’ – he shouldn’t be continuing to pressure you like this,
      He knows exactly what he said, and why you aren’t there.
      I wonder how much your anxiety is caused or exasperated by his behaviour, probably quite a lot,
      Want does your sister think?
      X x x

    • #7865

      My sister thinks that I should leave him, she is happy to support me through everything and says that she will never kick me out if I need to be here. She wants me to think as if it was someone else. What would I want them to do?

      I’ve always had anxiety as I have aspergers which is a high functioning form of autism. I’ve learnt over the years how to cope, but I spend most of my time at home, praying for a good day. Hoping that friends will stay longer so that I don’t have to be alone with him. I (detail removed by moderator) and on my first shift ending, the first thought that crossed my mind was that I didn’t want to go home.

    • #7867

      Glad to read that finkle,
      Your sister both sounds lovely and wise,
      We are too close emotionally to see our own situations clearheaded so by looking at it from the outside as if looking in, by putting what happened to us in third party it helps.
      sounds like you too are wise and realise that he is the overload factor for your health.
      You deserve better, Who shares the load, someone reliable, calm, and secure, someone who lets you be you,
      Yes, the time to go home fear factor, I remember that, and the Monday morning asking did I have a good weekend dreaded question that I could never answer,
      X x x

    • #7877

      Hello finkle- just read this and your other post. Definitely abuse and agree with daisy, the anxiety is caused by our abusers constantly playing on our emotions and twisting and turning us around. Know well that feeling of not wanting to go home. Stayed with my abuser a very long time but now out and still working through recovery. Long road and this is early days for you. So pleased you have a sister to rely on. Follow your gut instinct and cut contact to minimum. It’s the only way to break free of abusers. Keep posting and take care x

    • #7884
      Main Moderator

      Hi Finkle,

      Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m really sorry to read what you are going through. I think you’ve made a very sensible decision to go to your sisters, as it sounds as though his abuse is getting worse.
      We know that domestic abuse always gets worse over time and also can escalate at the time of trying to separate from an abuser. So I really encourage you to prioritise your safety.

      None of this is your fault and you have not done anything wrong. The only person who has caused this and who is responsible for this is your husband; we all have a choice in how we behave, and sadly he is choosing to behave abusively. His texts saying he is going to hurt himself are a manipulative tactic; unfortunately one quite commonly used by abusers.

      I’m glad you have good support from your sister and on here. I think you would also find it helpful to talk things through in confidence with a female support worker by calling the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will not tell you what to do, but will listen, talk through your options and signpost you to any services relevant to your situation.

      We are all here for you, keep posting.

      Forum Moderator

    • #7903

      Hi Hun
      I’ve tried replying to u but site was playing up , it us abuse and I’m glad u told your sis, I
      Was going to advise u to talk to your sis , get further advise from w aids on where u stand and take your sis up on her offer . Stay away for few days, have no contact as he will confuse u and blame u which won’t help and that’s what he wants for u to feel guilty , it’s him
      In wrong not u

    • #7917

      Please stay with your sister and look after your self you can have a much better life away from your abuser . You deserve to be happy
      Big hugs xx

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