1st May 2016 at 11:11 pm #16053
I feel so guilty, I saw my ex out and I was extremely drunk and ended up kissing him. It was a foolish mistake and I would never ever get back with him after he blackmailed me, pushed me and told me I couldn’t see my family until I called them malice c**ts and if I did he could share private information ℹ told him about an in-law. It’s been (detail removed by moderator) months since I ended it and I was doing really well I finally had no contact for 3 weeks, because he kept finding new ways to contact me. He is a jekyll and Hyde type of person and now I’m sober I’m so angry with myself. Anyone had this problem??? X*x
2nd May 2016 at 2:13 am #16060
I kinda feel guilty incase I’ve led him on but he’s done so many horrible things that he is so unphased by. This was my initial post a few weeks ago. I have ended my relationship. (detail removed by moderator) . He has disliked my family as they have done things in the past which was moved on from (my brother got annoyed and claimed my bf doesn’t let me drink, this was cleared up immediately and have all had good times together since) but the main boiling point was we had a big fight after I had friends down and I was drunk and he kept calling me names because I’d left the place untidy, he’d been picking on me all day asking me to stop sitting on my arse even though I’d been cleaning up stairs, telling me to make sure my friend and brother were looking to leave by 11pm and make sure they leave over some food (that I’d bought for them coming down) after my friends left he was calling me a f*ckin scruff, which hurt me and I was drunk aswell This escalated to an argument and I raised my voice then he pushed me off the couch. I fell on the floor and said I can’t believe you did that that’s domestic violence. His response was leave your key I’m not having someone stay who is making false accusations rather than him asking was I ok. The morning after I tried to talk he still wanted me to leave, I returned and we spoke about it and resolved it (me apologising for antagonising him even though I didn’t deserve it) after this I tried to talk about something that had upset for some time, the fact my bf makes constant hurtful remarks about family and I asked him to stop he then became p****d at me and justified it because of previous things they’d done and saying I stand up for them and never for him, which is not true. He then blackmailed me with information about my relative, that I told him in confidence told me if I didn’t call my family horrible names and not speak to them he would share this info and he wanted me to swear in front of his friends I wouldn’t contact my family, so he had witnesses. I begged him on my knees not to do this as it could ruin the relationship between me and my sister and he called me embarrassing for begging. I followed him trying to plead and touching his arm and he told me get off me don’t touch me.. He said things about having my brother and dad battered and tied up with binbags on their head if they tried to argue against him then asked me to imagine seeing them like that, he also said he’d punch my dad one step closer to a heart attack. Which he knows is my biggest fear. Prior to this argument hes often called me lazy c**t, ooze stupidity, f**king moron over the little things. Also mood turns quickly and he would tell me to stay at my parents (leave the house we both live in and pay for) I ended the relationship, he was very cool at first but weeks on he’s now apologising and begging which has now turned to him saying I have left him struggling with money and work, that I’ve left because he’s finally cleared my debt!! He obviously can’t see its the betrayal of trust and disrespect that made me leave. I do love him and we had some great times and he’s great in many ways very helpful taking me to and from work but I have been hurt and believe it’s unforgivable what he said, he has said he done this because of how my family have acted in the past justifying his actions. I’m sorry for rambling! It’s been a couple of weeks now and he’s written a lovely letter but now harassing me by email even though I have clearly and nicely asked to be left alone to let my mind rest. I just want an opinion to see if I’ve done the right thing? He obviously has his side of the story but I have never done anything to intentionally hurt him, I always looked after him the best I could. But felt like I irritated him a lot.. I was unwell with a chest infection once and he asked me to stay at my parents because I kept him awake. In combination with everything else I felt treated poorly and have been traumatised by what he said, it was all done in such a cool calm way aswell.
2nd May 2016 at 6:06 am #16061SilkyHalideParticipant
You are not alone. Many of us go through this especially so early after leaving. We don’t know , understand or trust our own opinions and become fearful we have misjudged and will regret leaving.
I stopped drinking and now only have the odd drink, for fear it would confuse me more. (I don’t mean I was a heavy drinker just occasional binges)
I did more than kiss him in the few weeks after we separated, I wasn’t drunk even, and he made out later that I did it to manipulate/abuse him!
My ex was similar over certain parts of my family.
He also went through begging and pleading phase but after turning my children against me which was critical in my realisation of what he really is. Stay strong youre doing so well.
2nd May 2016 at 8:33 am #16069
He still has control over you, he still has a hook in your mind, that is why you kissed him. I’ve just read your first post, i’m sorry but your ex sounds really awful, terrible physically, mentally abusive, isolating you from your family, not taking any responsibility at all for anything, blaming you for everything. I know you said that there are nice things about him and that he takes you & picks you up from work, but from what you have written he is someone you need to get rid of. To say those things about your family, make threats to them, is unforgivable, there is no room for any repair in this relationship as far as i can see it. Sometimes relationships can be fixed, but you have to have the basics in place to be able to do that. He doesn’t & nor does my ex. You are doing exceptionally well with the No Contact, ok you’ve slipped up, i’ve heard that women can slip up several times before they completely sever the contact forever. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I believe (due to the abuse) that he is still asserting control over you that is why you kissed him. Time, keeping busy, being very active on here, writing down everything & getting everything out is really therapeutic. Can you put a plan in place which reduces your chances of seeing or hearing about him? Please keep avoiding him he sounds horrible. I am thinking of you xxXXX
2nd May 2016 at 8:52 am #16074
Yeah I am going to try avoid him at all costs! It’s so funny because he’d initially apologised and said he would take full responsibility for everything… Then a few days later when I wasn’t giving him what he wanted (meeting up) he told me he’s not 100% to blame and that I never even asked why he said what he said!!!! I have been doing really well and my family are brilliant it’s just I’m disappointed with myself. I keep reminding myself of everything he said and did. The things that baffled me though is that it wasn’t all the time he was nasty, I had a look at lundy bancroft and my ex is a water torturer!!! xxxxx
2nd May 2016 at 8:55 am #16077
Please look at these books, they are available immediately and free to read on Amazon.
All books by HG Tudor (Fuel is one of my favourites, as is The Devils Toolkit)
30 Covert Manipulation Tactics
Your ex is very abusive don’t believe it when they turn on the charm and niceness.Where was that when you so desperately needed it?
2nd May 2016 at 9:05 am #16078
Exactly! I was desperate and begging him and was dismissed as embarrassing!! He’s completely shattered my trust and there was no respect!! I know they are the basic necessities for any relationship! He wrote me a letter a few weeks ago praising me and how he’d do better! He gave me the letter through my friend and turned nasty on her because she wasn’t making me meet him, so he said she wasn’t a good friend! I will have a look at those that’s very helpful thank you xxxx
2nd May 2016 at 9:07 am #16079
Your welcome, the HG Tudor books will help you to understand his thought processes and help you protect yourself. X*X
2nd May 2016 at 9:10 am #16081
I have questioned whether I can get back with my ex, we have had no contact now on both sides for over 2 months. The issues are:
1. I trust him 0%
2. He blames me for everything
3. He has never said sorry even if he is in the wrong
4. He gets pleasure out of giving me the silent treatment
5. to have a relatinship with him i have to chase him, beg & plead with him to want me
6. He is so mean with money it is sadistic
7. He is completely lazy and makes no input into our relationship about from sex
I could add more. So all of these things are basic fundamentals of a relationship, you can see where i’m going.
2nd May 2016 at 11:13 am #16088
He sounds awful!! That’s what worries me, my ex has begged and begged and said he’s sorry but then justified it as he was angry, even though he was cool and calm when delivering his threats. I would also get the silent treatment and he would not bat an eye when I was crying. That’s why I’ve been torn!!
2nd May 2016 at 12:28 pm #16096
I nearly ended up in a psychiatric hospital due to covert mental abuse over time by him, no physical abuse just mental. Even now 2 months on i still have trauma, though feeling a bit better. I found offloading on here loads, absorbing all of the info in all of the books, there are so many available free to read on Amazon, and immediatly accessible, I love all of HG Tudor, also have a look on You Tube
I listened to most of these early in my break up, they really helped me. X*X (if you cant open the link put Life After Abuse into a You Tube search
2nd May 2016 at 1:08 pm #16099
Hi, here is an example of confusing thoughts of love and hate……….
I have had a fleeting moment of thinking,say for example we got in contact with each other again, we have had zero contact for 2 months and during that time I have had severe depression, yearning and trauma bonding. Lately I have felt better and I have discovered some really fun looking weekends away that I like the look of with this activity group that I have joined. The members are professional, nice and decent people, i doubt you get many abusers amongst them. I have booked myself to attend one of the weekends away in July and i am really looking forward to it. There is also something else in September which also looks so exciting, i’m feeling happier, more positive and am beginning to make nice plans for myself for this year. So going back, say if he and I got talking again. I have had to think about how he, with his issues would fit into my life now. My trips away that i have planned. Obstacle 1, he has a possessive streak which would make me going rather uncomfortable. I could ask him to come along, i wouldn’t have major issues about that. So, Obstacle 2. Due to his controlling nature he would not be able to function within the group. I had visions of us all meeting at the meet point, ready to get on our train to head off. I would be feeling so happy and excited. He would deliberately be late as he would not like to have to obey by rules of meeting on time etc and not like to not be top dog. He would then come strolling along, after evading his train fare, probably 20 minutes late, so the kind and kind group leader would be so stressed, and worse of all he wouldn’t give a s**t. We would all miss our train and he would love it. He would not apologize. I would be so embarrassed and angry and my beautiful weekend away ruined by a power & control freak. Do you see what i mean, these people, unless they feel like they are top dog & calling the shots normally cause havoc. Without him, i will have such a normal, relaxing, stress free and happy weekend away. With him i would be filled with complete revulsion, pure hate, anger, bitterness and embarrassment. Its really a no brainer.
2nd May 2016 at 1:22 pm #16100
You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. I got told I couldn’t go to my sister’s wedding because I’d be breaking his trust by speaking to my family without calling them malice vile c**ts… Then he could share the information I told him in confidence. I know people disagree and fight but I think he is unforgivable! Am I wrong??? I read his letter again and it killed me because it was so lovely saying how much he missed me… But then the image of him smirking at me calling me embarrassing or him saying he’ll punch my dad one step closer to a heart attack pops into my head and I feel nauseous! Xx
2nd May 2016 at 2:39 pm #16111
NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!This is all SO WRONG!!!!
Please read as much as you can about manipulation, Devils Tool Kit has alot in it about these various tactics. He has holding you to ransom in a variety of ways, threatening to reveal your secret, depriving you of your family, and then being charming and nice in his letter, its gaslighting. Listen to the various audio’s that I have told you about on You Tube, read all of HG Tudor and 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics, you have almost got it, you’ve stayed NC for a while, it was only the kiss but we all make mistakes. He is BAD NEWS for you. I am feeling so much happier and more positive now i’ve booked myself onto these fun weekends away this year with Meetup.com. I will be mixing with nice NORMAL people, there will be no mind games, power games, when i think of those now in comparison to normal, nice behaviour it really does make me feel sick. You ex is destroying your confidence and self worth and you can get it back. If you think about it, say you go out for the evening with friends or family, normal decent people. As a rule, there is not fear, mind games, anxiety, worry, hate during those times is there.
2nd May 2016 at 3:32 pm #16118
Thanks so much!!! I bitterly regret kissing him I don’t know what come over me. Never again though. I know I need to keep no contact and move on xxxxxx
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