- This topic has 12 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by
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Hi Sweet4,
Thank you for your post. its good that he is getting that support but your safety is really important- there is no justfication for domestic abuse and often accessing support can form part of a pattern- and the cycle of abusive behaviour continues.
If you aren’t already I would encourage you to link in with your local domestic abuse service. they can provide you with ongoing support around what is happening and assess your safety if needed.
Take care and keep posting
Lisa
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Hey sweet4,
Just be careful. I think everyone has done this, possibly even more than once. I did it (detail removed by Moderator) times. Supported them. Held them when they cried … went with them for support. It never lasted long before things went bad. I would justify their behaviour saying things like “it’s not them, they are just depressed etc …”. I totally understand this feeling but be kind to yourself and set some boundaries. Any red flags and get out.
Your safety is paramount.
Being depressed is never a justification for abuse.
Lastly, don’t let anyone judge you. We know why we go back and unless you’ve been in this situation it’s really easy for people to say “I don’t get what you see in them” etc…Have you looked into trauma bonding? I’m realising that in my situation I had a trauma bond. It’s a really hard thing to accept but have a read.
Love yourself. This is a scary road. Trapped with them, trapped without them. It is very rare that an abuser changes but I hope in your case this is wrong and that you are all very happy.
Remember, none of this is your fault.You deserve love.
People want to support you.
Try not to isolate anyone.
Take care and stay safe x*x -
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Sorry for the intrusion @sweet4 .
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I was going to post then read your update. Unfortunately this is what I was told repeatedly, he would be so vulnerable and I’d feel like I’d have to protect him. Give it a few weeks/months he’d be complete opposite. This is a cycle that I hope you’ll break. No you won’t get those years back but don’t waste the years you have left to enjoy life once and for all.
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hi sweet4, I to have tried couples therapy and supporting my husband with individual therapy, my experience is the same as others are saying they don’t change, and they don’t follow the advice to control their behaviours even if they do say you mean the world to them and they will get help. My abuser doesn’t stick to appointments or stick to advice and then he has his outbursts towards me just as bad as they always have been. I have been supportive and tried to get through varied therapies etc with my husband it’s been years and nothing has changed him.
I hope you will take your time to evaluate things and really think on what is changing or if it isn’t and get advice to leave if not. I am very newly leaving my abuser I know its hard when you feel that loyalty and love for them still. I am really struggling with my feelings but i am also doing the online freedom program it is really helping me realise some things and maybe speak to the advice line or chat on here too.
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