I haven’t been on here for a long time again..

[PurpleCloud]

Hi All, I hope everyone’s doing well, and the very best they can, we got this.

I haven’t been on here for a while, and if I’m honest it’s because I’ve been busy and well, things have been “good”. Me and my partner have been good, the occasional bad thing, but for me, that’s good. I’m working really hard at the moment and long hours due to the current climate in relation to what my job role entails, but I’m not stressed, I love my job. My partner has been supportive, I’ve been happy, he’s been happy. But then suddenly, he starts again. I used to think I could be careful in terms of the things that “trigger him”, I started to be able to have a joke with him again. I introduced all my new colleagues to him, they love him. I was myself again, I honestly was myself, happy! And then I was on my phone, laughing at a funny text from a friend, and he jumped up, I saw “that look” and I thought; “no just stay calm PurpleCloud, he’s not that anymore, I’m just worried because “before” he would have flipped.. before I knew it, he threw a glass jar just passed me and it smashed. He didn’t speak, and then an hour passes and it’s as if it didn’t happen. I was sat there again, crying, again, trying to replay what I said wrong, how I could have not done what ever it was that I did to make him do that. But I didn’t make him do that, I know I didn’t, I’m still feeling guilty but I know I have nothing to feel guilty about. This time he cleaned up the glass, it’s normally me, and I found myself thinking “least he cleaned it, see, he is still improving” and then I think “no, this is madness this is not normal”. Due to the current climate as you know, only essential journeys are allowed. My family live away and I haven’t seen them since forever, or my friends. I feel alone even though I have tonnes of people around me and who I can text/ call. I can’t talk to anyone because I don’t want to admit things are bad again. Here is where I need to be, on this forum, talking, getting my thoughts out. I want him to change so badly but that episode has sank in again and made me think “but will he ever change”. No matter how much of a good girlfriend I am, it’s not enough to stop him from getting mad. Each time he’s sorry, he’s as sorry as the last time but he still does it. When I’m sorry about something, I show it, and I don’t do/ say what I was sorry about again, ever. I feel he doesn’t understand how sad he makes me. He makes me really happy too and this is why I’m still here. I want the world with him, but when I think about what that means, I don’t know, and it worries me to feel that I want to be with him, but not the scary version, the great person.
Thanks for reading,
PurpleCloud

[Anonymous]

Hi Purplecloud and glad you came back! You needed to….. Ah yes, how well I remember these times and I think about this one phrase – you will know them by the consistency of their inconsistencies. It’s true. What he does keeps you off balance. You’re getting too comfy with thinking things have changed permanently and he can’t help but throw a wrench in it because obviously it really is his nature to do so. It’s a control mechanism. Nothing you did, sweetheart, so don’t even go there. Geesshh, if I went off everytime a little thing annoyed me, I’d get locked up! It’s called having no self control and respect and empathy for those you hurt and upset, and not taking responsibility for actions. Big deal he cleaned up the glass. Duh. He should have done wayyy more than that like own what he did and apologize and not do it again! Ever.

You are seeing what you are seeing and it’s a good thing, not a bad thing. Please don’t second guess yourself and excuse his behavior. Sure, he can be charming, he can put on good face and make everyone like him, not a problem. He’s a charmer obviously. It’s easy. What seems to be hard for him – is treating you well on a consistent basis….

Sometimes the change we need really isn’t about them changing, it’s about us changing and not to please them either. Not at all. But to move away from being codependent, where you think about their wants and needs first instead of your own, where you are more concerned about him than you are about you…..and get to that place where you are No. 1 and it’s not selfish. It’s necessary in order to have a happy, peaceful, healthy life. People treat us the way they do because we allow it, never forget that.

I remember getting sooo worn out by thinking what did I do, what can I do better, gotta watch this, watch that until finally I’m like Seriously??? Why should I be j****d around like this, ever, by anyone?

You are seeing correctly what you are seeing. Sometimes just stating it to yourself and maybe try and stop the excuses or the blaming of yourself for causing it………and just being with – his actions and asking yourself – is this okay with me? Okay to constantly not know when the next attack is coming?

You are worth more than this but we have to claim that one. If we don’t feel worthy people don’t respect us so us respecting us is vital. Once that respect is there, trust me, they smell it. And it will be in your reactions and actions of being pro-you.

I had to get to the point of not even caring what the “why” was all about because I knew there was no good reason whatsoever to be treated like that and I didn’t even care to hear the reason why either. Unacceptable. Please keep talking, it’s good to get your thoughts out of you so you can see them no. one and then to have people share with you. So important not to feel alone. Hugs to you!!!

[HunkyDory]

Hi PurpleCloud, I’m sorry things are bad again. You know though don’t you deep down that he’s not going to change? When they act like normal reasonable human beings, that’s the “them” we love and we want it to stay forever. It doesn’t. It won’t.

Today I spent a couple of hours deleting photos of him and us from my computer which was quite cathartic, until I saw a photo of our last day together, before he attacked me and put me in hospital. He had that look on his face, staring through me, like you describe, and I knew I was going to be in for something. It made me feel sick to my stomach and it does now. My insides are still in knots. It’s deleted and gone, I’ll never see it again. Or him hopefully.

I hope you can start making plans to leave. What if that jar hit your head? Your eyes? You’d have been in hospital like I was. Please get out, he’s dangerous honey. You deserve better. You shouldn’t have to live your life treading on eggshells wondering if x y or z will trigger him.

Big hugs and good luck, keep posting and we will help you xx

[Eggshells]

Hi PurpleCloud. You can’t change him by changing yourself. You can’t change him at all. Only he can change him and he probably won’t. Most don’t.

Look after yourself and if you are able, try and find some time to think. Keep taking to us.

Take care. xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Purplecloud,

This would count as one of those “essential journeys”. You are allowed to leave, if you can.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Purplecloud, I’m so glad you’ve posted again. No it’s most definitely not you. Remember the cycle of abuse, honeymoon phase can last forever long it suits him. Its when it goes on for a longer time that we get to relax, I found it was when I’d just about started to believe mr Hyde was gone that was when he’d be back. Time to start putting your plans into action, time to find out who you can lean on to help you out of this situation.
Stay strong, remember with bad behaviour comes consequences, follow through with those consequences.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Author]

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