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So here I am again, another wasted opportunity to get out. Groundhog day. I just cannot do it. The worst part is I know that things are only going to get worse and that the moment he’s back I will get more abuse. I know it will never get better. The control and financial abuse is getting worse but I just freeze and feel helpless. It exhausts me as it’s all I think during my waking hours and has been for almost the last two years now.
I’m afraid I will never get out. The cognitive dissonance is too strong. One minute I might be being told to “f***ing shut up!!!!”, the next he might be expressing sympathy for a random stranger in the street. One minute he’s completely rational and ‘normal’ the next an aggressive bully. I just cannot seem to accept that the ‘good’ behaviour is all part of the act.I can’t open up to family about how bad things are as then I’ll have to do something about it. Therapy helps but only so much. And again, life is just passing me by whilst I simply cannot break the cycle. Like I literally know the moment he’s back, he’ll be in a foul mood with me and I’ll probably be berated for not (removed by moderator). It feels like there is no end in sight. In my worst moments I think maybe this is just my destiny and that I should take the good moments for what they are and just carry on battling through the worst.
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Battling through the worst is destroying you. Sometimes we have to burn bridges so we can’t cross back over, telling your family or the police could take that decision out of your hands which is what happened to me when I was frozen.
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As soon as he leaves it’s like the floodgates open and all my built up emotions are released. I feel sick, can’t eat or sleep. I miss him painfully and just want to be reunited. I don’t want to believe he is using and abusing me, I guess I don’t want to accept it still. I think to myself that I’ve come a long way and then reality hits again and it all comes crashing back down around me. Then I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere in all of this time since being on the forum because I’m still here, still very emotionally attached and can’t let go. I can’t cope with this, I feel sick and ill thinking and worrying about it.
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There has always been an excuse for me not to leave, getting my son into the right school, sharing a car, separating my son and dog – there never is a right time. I look back though at a pretty horrendous time when my son was a toddler and have do much regret not to have left then. I feel like I’ve wasted so many happy memories being stressed or sad and if I could turn back time I would. Now my son is older I feel like he will be so much more affected by a break up (another excuse maybe?). Do it earlier than me if you are in a position to. I’d hate anyone to feel like I do in terms of regret and such bitter sadness. Easy to say but I know how hard it is. Xxxx
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For me it wasn’t even a bad episode but a pretty small one that broke the camel’s back and ended things so never say never, it might just come out of the blue. That said, be kind to yourself because we are addicted to the dopamine hits caused by the abuse cycle. That’s what keeps us here hoping for the good times, the hug, even just a non-bad day and knowing that, can help x
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Hi Gettingtired,
You really have come a long way since joining the forum. You say you don’t like to think of it as abuse. There was a time when you didn’t but you do now. You recognise all the kinds of abuse he and his family heap on you every day. You know it’s got worse. You know it won’t ever get better, no matter what you do.
Maybe this is why you’re so hard on yourself, questioning why it is you can’t leave, all the while knowing it’s the only way forward? But you should try to be kinder to yourself. It’s incredibly difficult to break away. If it was easy there’d be a lot fewer women posting on this thread.
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