i just can’t decide

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I keep reading posts, mine, other people’s, I understand I am in an abusive relationship but I built so many mechanisms to carry on…fear of the unknown is one of them.

I cannot wait to start counselling, the dv lady booked me a few weeks ago but I have not heard yet.

I woke up today feeling worn out, I rarely do. I felt a weird exhaustion in my mind and in my body, I wanted to go back to sleep. So once again the mechanisms come in and I shook myself up. I feel ashamed if I dont activate myself.

Not one word from him again on his return from work, but he speaks about his job to our youngest child…it’s clever daddy stuff, enough to impress everyone and make himself important.

I keep swaying between wanting to take that leap of faith as the dv lady calls it and giving up. I simply can’t decide and deal with it using distraction techniques to avoid this uncertainty in my heart and mind.

Why am I such a coward…

[White Rose]

I don’t think you’re a coward. You sound as if you are working through it, psyching yourself up even.
As long as you’re safe you can take some time to an and prepare and gain strength and realise more of what he’s done but eventually I suspect you’ll need to leave as realisation of what he’s doing will be all consuming and you’ll just have to get away.
Take care. Hope the counseling starts soon for you

[Confused123]

YOUr not coward, i think we all just have our light bulb moments at different times, it took me (detail removed by Moderator) years to leave my ex and i only left cause he said he was gonna kill me and attempted it , i always try to think how i felt when i was with my abuser and why it took me so long to leave and try to advise on that basis, everyone knew i was in a abusive realtionship, people even kept a blind eye to it, they had attidue if she wont leave why should we bother, ex family were abusive and told me this was normal and not to give up on realtionship, to think of my kids, think about shame it brings to the family, btu u know what no one told me to think about myself, no body told me how kids are emotionally effected after by seeing the abuse,no body told me our kids become abusers as thats all they see, reality is it is a hard step to take but a step we have to take to break the cycle, to make ourselves strong. cause if we cant be strong for ourselves it will be hard to be an example for kids and be strong for them. YOur not coward, your just tired and drained, the fact of starting again on your own is scary, it scared me senseless, what if i left and i couldnt cope, what if the nightmare got worser, what if all they saaid came true, but u know what it didnt, yes i have hard times but cause i mentally and emotionally stronger away from ex i am able to cope with things much better. I think i read in one of your post earlier, u said u hate your house now, again its him u hate and u are realizing if there is no love in the house these things hold little value even though they are necessitity. I was same couldnt leave with out my kids, but sometime things happen for a reason and we just have to go with the flow, i had to just leave ex with nothing, i was just thinking the other day, when i moved into my rent house, apart from clothes and blankets i had nothing, no bed to sleep in, no fridge/freezer / no furtniture, no washing machine, but i had my mind relax, and my two kids. NO more daily beatings, sleep depriviation , verbal abuse, just to get simple things like that back is so nice, i would of love to fast forward my life but i beelive each day is a learning stage, if i hadnt stayed in same town for year , i wouldnt of seen how he hasnt changed, he stillabused me verbally, made threats to smash my ar, stalk me, my son mirror the behaviour, but that all gave me strength to move a way even further from ex . Ask your self this bridget, what are u staying for? what is your ultimate fear? then discuss this with your support worker. It was very hard for me to admit a had a husband that yeah beat me daily, worked me like a slave, put all the financial stress on my head, smashed the house, let me sleep for 1-2 hours only and that was after he had beaten me up , got sex out of me twice day too , and then icing was he was gonna kill me anyway cause im not good enough, i said all that and said its ok its not that bad though, my ultimate fear was what if i cant cope on my own and what if i have break down, i was absouletely petreffied of breaking down. (detail removed by Moderator) months on had struglges in between but i did cope, im still standing and u will too, i had to leave the whole house behind, i took the abuse for so long as i thought my life is gone now, need to stay a family for kids, but breaking the family unit was best thing for all of us , now i am at satge i am trying to work out why was i so scared to call police, why did ti take me (detail removed by Moderator) years, why wouldl i not give up on a marriage that was broken anyway…. for now the only answer i have is he broke me from my soul and i lost all value for myself that i let himm do that, i feared so much i would be dead before the police arrived it seemed safer to take the beatings and least i get to be alive, i didnt see how he broke me mentally and emotionally, hope my story helps u come to a decision

[Ayanna]

You are doing great, Bridget.
Your time will come too.
I switched when I noticed that he would kill me if I did not do anything. It became a question of survival.
When abuse is less violent it takes longer to make the decision to leave.
One day you will just do it. x*x

[Serenity]

You will know when the scales are tipped so that you just know you need to go.

My situation was slightly more graduated. I knew three years before he left that there was something seriously wrong with him morally. I didn’t know how to get out, but was given my golden ticket when he stormed out. I never took him back, and I never wavered. Despite hurting so much, I was 100% right I was doing the right thing in divorcing the monster.

What made me so sure was that all that I had suspected about him and never wanted to believe had come true.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Bridget, I do not understand the silence with these men, how to explain it. My ex gave me the silent treatment when we were together. By that I mean I would send him text messages, often asking questions or querying arrangements, he would ignore them for a period of time, I believe this were deliberate to make me wait. My query or question were only ever normal, day to day stuff, nothing heavy. I found this behaviour really upsetting and I did not understand why he did it. I know that he did it with other people too and used it as a form of punishment as the person had done something to upset him. I do not understand why they do not communicate normally, it is not clear. I know that you said your partner does not talk. I tried very hard to talk to mine, via email but still I tried very hard, again I was met with total silence and got no response at all. What happens when you try to talk to him face to face about problems?

[Moonflower1]

Hi Bridget, I just wanted to check to how you are feeling today. I wanted to reply to your posted yesterday but the forum seem to have crashed. I understand completely how you feel about the fear of the unknown holding you back and it is an awful awful feeling. I feel like I am trapped in hell and there is now way out. There are no words to describe what happens to me and there are no bruises to show so we suffer our own private torment. I also understand how you say to have coping mechanisms to get you through as I do this too. I always try take care of my appearance and have the house neat and time. I feel that these are things that I can control when so much of my life is controlled by him.

I hope you can start your counselling soon as it helps me cope knowing I have a someone who I can talk once a week about happens to me and who validates that this is wrong and is abuse.

Take Care

MF1

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

To all of you lovely ladies,

We are scheduled to have a meeting at school today. They didn’t want to tell me what it is about my our son already knows and simply said it is information we need to know.

I am expecting all sorts, right down to him saying he wants to live away from us. I imagine the worst because I am a worrier by nature, having lived all the things I have lived so far, and still my husband on his recent texts plays everything down, as if a ”I fully forgive you and let’s move on” from me would be totally enough.

I am so close to saying enough is enough, my son is sicker by the day, I worry about his mental state, he has almost stopped eating, I have just rang the school to see how he is and he complained again about his tummy, he also probably wants to see other ladies who care for him. I feel my son is slipping out of my hands as a mother.

I must believe in myself, right now, right this very minute and not look back. I owe it to my children. I owe it to myself. It is not worth it.

[Moonflower1]

Hi Bridget.

I hope your meeting at the school goes well and that the issue to not too serious. Children are such a worry to us mums always wanting the best for them and trying to protect them. Whatever the issue is I am sure you will be strong for your son and hopefully you will receive support from the school. Has you son every had any counselling – perhaps this may help him.

Sending you a big hug xx

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