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    • #132045
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Ok so im in a real mess in my head.
      I really need to calm down and have someone shake me and talk to me.
      Hes been rotten with my new job just nasty all the time. (Detail removed by moderator) a nasty accident haopened at work and i was really nadly shaken i came home needing a hug and he was his usually nasty self ive been so low today so low.
      I talk to someone i know not a friends but someone i know in the begining he asked and asked me to talk to him and eventually i did he was great and yeah maybe ive talked too much to him now he often tells me i have to just leave take control and go which as we all know isnt thst easy but he think it is. He was so good to talk to at first but (detail removed by moderator) when i told him about how nasty my husband has been he told me that he wasnt going to say anymore (detail removed by moderator)  i can change things if i didnt then maybe i deserve what i get.
      Im so upset i cant think straight have i drove this guy crazy with my talking to him? This is the first time (detail removed by moderator) weve chatted i do try and not do it all the time. I just feel rejected almost from someone who was helping me he was so kind. I just feel like enough stop close my eyes and just stop seeing go back to how life was stop this stupid nonsence nobody is happy right now and its all my fault.
      I dont know how to carry on, i see the bloke(detail removed by moderator) and i dont want to stop going (detail removed by moderator) it makes me feel good but i dont know if i can face him now. Im sorry i dont think im making much sence im in such a state.
      My husband is horrible i have no friends no family to turn too I thought by getting a job i was doing so well but god im still a complete mess.

    • #132046
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey there. Take some deep breaths. What you’re doing is looking to others for your validation and happiness and sadly one is an abuser and the other sounds unsympathetic at best. So you will never get what you need from them. It’s a rally bad idea to look to an abuser for anything. Your happiness and stability must come from within. Have you had counselling. I definitely think it would help, it did for me. She pointed out all the bad habits I’d developed and how abuse and manipulation works. You’re not responsible for either of their behaviour and if you like your class then hold your head high and keep going. This person has absolutely no awareness of abuse but he may well be aware of your vulnerability. You have the right to live a life free from abuse x

    • #132047
      Bee1
      Participant

      I agree with KIP…
      and it is hard to see through the knots of what is real. Our minds become so muddled by the all the why’s and how’s and what for’s.
      But clarity exists, it really does.

      Don’t forget to breathe…
      you’re stronger than you think right now.
      It’s in you, unbury it, and you will recover

      • #132059
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thank you so much god this is hard isnt it. X

    • #132049
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      I juat wish i hadnt of spoken out I wish I had juat left it as it was. Things are just so hard so messy now I dont feel like im coping at all.
      I thought i had it together a job a bank account i got this but No im a b****y mess ive just messed it all up.

    • #132050
      KIP.
      Participant

      You haven’t messed anything up. Take away your abuser(s) and you’re doing great. Sounds like a great life. It’s not you or your life that’s the problem, it’s the people who deliberately try to undermine and destroy you. Imagine a toddler trying to walk, and then imagine them getting knocked down time and time again, well there’s no one but an abuser knocking you down when you get up and toddle along and these abusers will always be there to unbalance you while they’re in your life. You can choose who you allow in your life x

    • #132056
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Thank you @kip you make so much sence.
      Im not sure who im more angry with my husband or man i talk too (detail removed by moderator) He told me (detail removed by moderator). I really want to write back and tell him i am changing i am trying to fight back but in my own time he seems to think its easy to just up and leave. Do you think i should respond to (detail removed by moderator) tell him i am trying his comments really hurt me should i maybe just leave him alone and just go back to (detail removed by moderator)? With regards to my husband ive gotta learn to get tougher and not let his comments knock me over right? X

    • #132060
      KIP.
      Participant

      You don’t owe anyone an explanation. He’s shown you his true colours so believe him. If you have to see him again then keep it professional. Is he (detail removed by moderator). If so then he’s stepped way over the line and shouldn’t be talking about your personal life, as for you husband abuser, his whole purpose is to knock you over so if he can’t do it with some words or actions he will simple up his game until he does. Why do you want to be with someone who’s sole purpose is to knock you over? Those are the sorts of questions you need to think about, counselling is a good way to work through your thought processes x

      • #132091
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @kip i am seeing a counsellor who specialises in trauma as i self harm but i guess its early days as ive not yet seem any improvement.
        After a restless night im a little calmer today i think that maybe the person i talk too just doesnt truely understand not everyone does right? People just think you can either fight back or up and leave but after a lifetime of put downs I know im nowhere near strong enough to leave. All i want is to be able to talk about my day to have a hug some respect to be listened too supported like i do him thats not too much to ask is it? Its just so hard to do this alone and some days i dont even wanna try.
        Thank you for calming me down I was really close last night to taking it out on myself having you ladies to talk too, to help me make some sence out of all this really helps. Thank you x

      • #132096
        KIP.
        Participant

        Hey that’s all you can do it try to make sense of all this. In my experience trauma therapy isn’t recommended when you’re still in the middle of that trauma which is your abuser. The people who got me to see the real picture was women’s aid and this site. No it’s definitely not easy to leave or I wouldn’t have stayed for decades but Knowledge Is Power KIP. And knowledge is empowering. Keep taking those baby steps. My abuser used to hold and cuddle me after a terrifying bout of abuse and I al could remember was the cuddle. So be careful looking for that cuddle because it blinds us.abusers push us off a cliff then come rescue us x it’s mind blowing dysfunction x

      • #132098
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thanks @KIP. I did try womans aid chat today but didnt have much luck im far too chicken to take the plunge and actually am sure their services are better suited to someone who need them more than me. I cant say thank you enough to you for your words. You take care sweetie xxxxx

    • #132064
      Bee1
      Participant

      Many, many of us have been where you are, and look back with relief that the distance has been made from all chaos, it will come to you too. Have faith and trust in your higher self.

      • #132101
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thanks @Bee1 seems an impossible thing cant ever imagine a time where im out, looking back but im guessing those of you whove left felt that too.
        Sending you hugs and Thanks. X*x

    • #132066
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      If you are in a stage of not knowing what to do right now, do nothing. Sometimes the best action is no action. Take some time, think things over, re-evaluate, and then take whatever action you feel is most appropriate.

      With regards to the nasty accident that happened at work, this may have affected a few people, so management should really do a de-brief and offer some support to those who have been affected. Hopefully you can speak about the incident with work colleagues tomorrow.

      With regards to the person you have talked to about your situation… well sometimes people believe that they need to ‘do’ something when all you really want is for someone to listen. Lots of people feel that they need to fix other people’s problems, and when they can’t they get frustrated and exasperated and then feel like giving up on you because they can’t ‘fix’ the issue. This man may have had the best of intentions to start with but is now out of his depth because he doesn’t understand abuse and the impacts it has.

      I read some of your post before it got removed, and I think a professional has also given you some advice that you are not happy with? Again, different professionals have different approaches. In my case, I had a DV support worker who after several months of patience with me did give me what would be considered as ‘hard hitting’ advice. For me, it was the jolt I needed, otherwise I would have gone back to my abuser. Different tactics work for different people. However, this is NOT the life you deserve, but it is the life you will continue to have if you do nothing; but as I started this post, ‘doing nothing’ is sometimes the right thing!

      All of us deserve the best life we can have. Sometimes, what we feel we deserve seems impossible, or too much hard work, so instead, we settle for what we’ve got. If we can just improve on what we’ve got a bit at a time then that does improve life in some ways.

      No one can ever be rescued from an abusive relationship, we can only save ourselves. Lifelines get thrown at us to help us but it is up to us to take those opportunities. If you want out of your situation you will do it when you are ready.

      I get that you feel in a mess right now, but you are overwhelmed with everything going on. Believe it or not, I think you have come on leaps and bounds from your earlier posts and are showing signs of being emotionally stronger. You have applied for and accepted a job, and you have kept at it despite what your husband wants you to do. This time last year did you think or believe you would have your own job that you had found all by yourself? Don’t be too hard on yourself nbumblebee, you are doing your very best in this situation. One day I really think we will be reading on here that you have left him. 🙂

      • #132092
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @wantstohelp yes i think youve hit the nail on the head there i think the person ive been talking too has gotten frustrated with me he just says that i need to leave and cant see why i dont. But he also cant see the small changes ive made are huge to me. The job like you say is massive to me no way would i have ever done that a year ago and whilst its so hard to come home to his nastyness every time i work i wont give it up. Im really sad that the person i talk too cant see the improvements im working so hard to do I almost wrote back telling him hes wrong but as kip said I dont have to justify myself to anyone and one thing i am trying to work on is to stop worrying about what others think of me its a huge problem for me.
        I still see my life as not bad enough to leave him not bad enough to ask for help hes ok some of the time nice he has a nastyness yes but doesnt everyone? I still feel like a fraud taking up time on here and i am so so ashamed of myself for talking to the person in the first place im ashamed of seeing a counsellor im ashamed of myself. I guess until all that clears i wont ever be happy I wont ever leave.
        Thank you so much for your words they really did jelp me calm down. Take care sweetie xx

    • #132095
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Hang in there nbumblebee,
      I agree with Wants to Help, I feel like you have already made alot of progress and should be proud of yourself. I don’t know about anyone else, but I found when I was in the relationship, time went SO slowly. So I felt I wasn’t making much progress until I looked back on dates and events and reflected.
      Alot of your post was moderated so I am not too sure what happened, but I learnt from experience to be careful of who you tell about the abuse. It’s just the worst when they do not understand, when they say the wrong thing, they minimize it etc. Abuse is such a complicated subject, I for one never understood at all until I did tons and tons of research. So I can understand why people get it so wrong.
      I hope you can find someone you can trust to get some support from though, you do not need to tell them everything, just having someone there is so important. I found it helped break that trauma bond, helped me be less dependent on my ex, to be able to reach out to others when your in need rather then your abuser. Can you re-connect with old friends or any family? Even family friends? Someone you know you can trust 100% – know they only have your best interest at heart. I found it essential for leaving.
      Hope you feel better today x*x

      • #132097
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @eyesopening hey thanks i do hope you are feeling better today?
        Sadly i dont have anyone i can turn too friends are OUR friends and as you know im sure these men of ours are so good at looking like a saint i dont have a great relationship with my parents and they love my husband dearly so cant go there either. That person was the only one i had and now ive lost him i guess. So back to being just me dealing with this and well i guess im the only one that can anyway just wouldve been nicw to have someone there we all need a hug now and again a bit of support right? So i now try and take on board what youve all said and try and just carry on as i am i guess part of me thinks right this is it this is how its gonna be so i will just have to man up i cant see another way mot yet. Not today anyway. I did try today i went online to the womans aid chat she siggested i came here and then to my local WA but said that i couldnt do that anon so i turned that down, i think thats better left for those who tduely need it. Im defeated today but hey who knows what tomorrow may bring right?
        Sending you much love and hugs stay strong you amazing brave lady xx

      • #132129
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        Hey nbumblebee,
        Much better thankyou, the bad days really come in waves, but they are getting shorter and the good days are getting longer.
        I understand, when they are mutual friends, it’s not really very easy. I have had to cut all mutual friends off as they just never believed me. Sorry about the situation with your parents also. Any siblings? My brother has been amazing, he is actually the only one I told the whole story too.
        Please follow WA’s advice and call your local DA services. (when you feel up to it and ready) I truly wish I did earlier, I now have a outreach worker who was great support, she is there whenever I just need to chat, need support and validation. Thats what they are there for, especially when you have no one in your life to turn to. They could get you signed up to the freedom program, or let you know of any local womens groups that meet locally. It would be a nice way to meet women like you, who will understand and you can bet they will be kind and caring people who you can trust.
        You can give big hugs to yourself, literally or by doing comforting things like having a warm hot bath, a lovely cup of tea and a treat for yourself.
        You are deserving! Please tell that to yourself, do you ever do affirmations? A good one to start with is ‘I Love & Approve of myself’ say it hundreds of times a day, say it in front of the mirror, sing it when your in the car or shower. You are deserving, just like each and everyone of us are deserving of support. Would you say any other womens here is underserving? Ofcourse not. That is his brainwashing, his voice. It’s time to fill yourself with your voice and your beliefs now
        Take care of you xxxxx
        Much Love

      • #132134
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @eyesopening ok so here we go deep breath here and i will tell you a little about me.
        I was abused by my brother as a young child as (detail removed by moderator) i reported it and wasnt believed my parents never spoke of it again my brother and i dont talk. Then at (detail removed by moderator) i was stalked almost and hounded then finally raped (detail removed by moderator), so for me family are not safe, cant be trusted.
        Ive not spoken about either until all this came out and i am trying to come to terms with what happened then as well as trying to make sence of now which i guess is why im so messed up.
        Im a coward im certianly not brave and i just cant ever see myself being able to reach out any further than this group. But your support your advice your words are truely appreciated and some days are the only things that hold me up.
        I am glad you are feeling better and have support behind you. You help so many of us on here its comforting to know hou also have someone who can listen and advise you.
        Keep fighting sweetie keep believing. Sending love and thanks x

      • #132135
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        Oh gosh i’m so sorry to hear this nbumblebee, you have been through alot. But you know what I thought after I read that, I thought wow you must be a strong women. To be here, fighting for you right now, it shows your strength. You are doing so so well already. Please recognize that. You are definitely not a coward.
        I was exactly the same, it took me a very very long time to be able to call my local DA, talking on the phone was too much. What you are experiencing is all due to the abuse. Anyone in your situation would be reacting the same way.
        I totally understand that its hard to reach out, before I left, I was only chatting on here and sometimes via online Chat with WA & my Local DA. This forum was the only thing keeping me going and keeping me sane for a long time, it wasn’t until I actually left I managed to reach out for more support.
        We all have different journeys, but if just chatting on here for now is all you feel comfortable with, then that is completely fine, keep chatting, keep reading we are all here for eachother x*x

      • #132142
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thank you. Ive never told anyone b4 i came on here about the past the self harm my husband its alot to admit i guess all in one go.
        Ive got some serious thinking to do i guess.
        Thanks for the support means the world.

      • #132157
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        Of course, take it slowly, be gentle, its all so much to process.
        Sorry if I have already said this, but I can’t recommend You Can Heal Your Life By Louise Hay enough. You can listen to it on Audible, get it with a free trial even.
        The book tought me how to love and care for myself, she gives great exercises and it really was has been essential in my recovery. One important thing she tells you is that it’s important not to ever self criticize, your inner voice is how you express love to yourself. Speak kindly to yourself, give yourself kind reassuring words because that’s what you deserve x*x

      • #132161
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @eyesopening I was going to ask if you had any recommendations. Thank you your support this week has been so needed and very very much appreciated. X

      • #132163
        KIP.
        Participant

        victims of childhood abuse are more likely to be abused in adulthood. I think you could really learn a lot from a good therapist. You’re not alone. Much of our childhood shapes us into adults and that abuse is carried by us, weighing heavily and holding us back. We learn core beliefs as children. I did a psychology evening course and it was fascinating. You’re opening up on here and it’s not that much of a leap to open up in a safe environment to a therapist. You won’t be telling her anything she hasn’t heard before. I’m also concerned that your brother may have carried on that behaviour.

      • #132168
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @kip I am seeing a counsellor and am trying to open up. Moderator removed some of my post I was also raped as an adult by a different family member and ive never spoke out about that so i guess you are right in what you say about being more likely to be abused in adulthood how sad is that gosh.
        I keep myself safe by not seeing my family as much as i possibly can I never attend weddings parties etc even if i wanted too my husband wouldnt anyway it may not be the right way but its my way. Ive got to get through all this some how i know that. Am feeling less desperate today but thats probably as my husband is being nice today isnt it funny how our moods are based arond how their moods are?! Thank you for taking time to replie you take care x

    • #132103
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      @nbumblebee I just wanted to say I’ve read your posts and I think you have done amazing with getting a job and standing your ground over keeping it. I can’t do anything which involves mixing with other people in person (under the guise of protecting us from covid), and it’s been that way for (detail removed by moderator) now.
      I really admire you for managing to go to work whilst still putting up with all the c**p from him.
      Never think that you aren’t worth people’s time, the issues you are dealing with are as valid as anybody else’s.
      Kind thoughts Darknessallaround

      • #132108
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @Darknessallaround
        Thank you. I really dont feel like i deserve help I just cant see it as abuse I just cant. Ive not been allowed to work without him in decades so yeah this was a huge step for me it began with volunteering (detail removed by moderator). And whilst I hate the backlash i get every time i come home i dread driving home from work so much i often cry but being at work helps me forget just for a while that to me is worth the c**p i get on my return I am still hoping each and every day that he will one day get used to it. I am so sorry you are not able to do this have you reached out yet? Have you spoken to womans aid or a dr or someone you trust? You really cant and dont have to face this alone sweetie. Much love x

    • #132162
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      So many replies I wanted to say Thank you. Im really not coping too well i pretend to myself that I am but im not really. You ladies are a huge tower of strength and id be lost without you all. Thank you xxxxxx

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