I just don’t know what to do for the best, or where to turn

[marmite3]

I saw a solicitor this week after a long time of my husband emotionally abusing me, usually in front of our daughter. He has had serious physical and mental illnesses for many years, and I have worked my job, cared for him, looked after our family and pets, home, everything. In return, he routinely shouts and belittles me if I question something he has done.
(detail removed by moderator), I came home from (detail removed by moderator) to find the door wide open, the (detail removed by moderator) and him asleep on the sofa, after a beer.
When i woke him, he said he hadn’t left the door open, he must have ‘(detail removed by moderator)’ and that I was stupid, ridiculous and nasty to blame him because ‘he is ill’.
Luckily, we found the (detail removed by moderator), and none of our possessions were stolen, but he has done nothing all day and went to sleep at (detail removed by moderator), leaving me again to do all the work all night.
I love my husband, I know he is suffering from illnesses, and I have urged him to get help, but his GP has told him he is physically ok. I don’t know where to turn but I want this rollercoaster to stop. My daughter wants him to leave, but he says he won’t go. My daughter and me want to stay in our home, but can’t afford to buy him a second home. The thought of remaining with him long-term is unbearable. I just don’t know what to do for the best.
To everyone else, he is a darling – only we see the monster within. Sometimes, it all feels insurmountable.

[Bananaboat]

I’m sorry you’re living this life. Reading your post bought back memories as I had similar, drinking then driving, leaving the front door open, sleeping downstairs meaning we couldn’t get up or make noise, gaslighting you saying they didn’t do that, it’s no way to live. I thought I was protecting my children but they saw & felt it more than I realised. A couple of things jump out:

– he has illnesses & his GP says he’s fine. Is he ill or is he ‘faking’ it because it triggers your caring nature meaning you do everything, pay for everything, stay out of guilt or duty – ie it keeps you supplying his needs. Secondly is the bad behaviour only to you? If he was ill it would be less selective and he wouldn’t be a darling to everyone else.

– you love him. Oh lovely, didn’t we all, I desperately loved mine, thought he was my world but treating us like this isn’t love. Saying he won’t leave when you and your daughter are so unhappy is control, not love, a nice guy would be upset to leave but would reluctantly give you space and not expect you to support him with a second home! Abusers won’t leave because you’re his meal ticket.

Finally, an epiphany moment for me was realising our children only get one childhood and we only get one chance to share that, you only get a handful of birthdays and Christmas’ and how many has been overshadowed by him. You’re already doing everything so you can absolutely thrive as a single parent, imagine life without that belittling shouting daily. It’s hard, so hard, but baby steps towards the life you want and deserve. x

[marmite3]

Thanks so much for the reply. It is very helpful, and gives me courage to go on. xx

[Freeforever]

Hi I can totally relate to your post I also own a house with my ex I have recently left! I have been fighting for years about his drug addiction falling asleep on the sofa so we’re all on egg shells until he rises .. my daughter also didn’t want to bring friends round because she was embarrassed. I also paid all te bills, one morning I arrange to leave and find somewhere else to live it was so hard leaving my home and all the things I had brought but in the end my and my daughter happiness was worth so much more. I will start again and as for the house he won’t be able to afford to keep it Over his head so sooner or later I will get what’s mine until then I will find a permanent place to live and take each step at a time . It’s very hard I won’t lie to you and you definitely do have some dark days but in the end i know it will be worth it .. living on egg shells or trying to please the un please-able is draining we all have our day and I reached mine just like one day you will reach yours good luck xx

[marmite3]

Thank you for the reply, advice and encouragement. Wishing you lots of love and strength. xx

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