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Its been a tough weekend, they always are. Im writing this to remind me whats happening and find looking back on posts really useful to remember why I am posting at all.
He is contradicting all my thoughts, and i have to look back in the past to remind myself why i am unhappy with him. Sometimes thimk things were worse then, but I think it was more obvious at times and I want him to do something like he has done in the past, the more obvious things that were so definately abusive, as I wouldn’t stand for it and it would be my reason for an exit.
He is controlling money, but is gradually helping me more but is inconsitant. I have no access to his earings he earns well, I cant work Im a carer and pay my way with the little I get in benefits.
He isnt calling me names anymore, he used to joke and call me names, frigid or ‘s**g’. I got him to stop. He has and may still be calling me names behind my back when talking about me to other people, I have caught him in the past. Even if its that im lazy or bad mouthing me in some way or another.
He isnt really jokingly accusing me of cheating anymore but went through all my messages the other day without asking, looking for something. I have no access to his phone and he has to type in his passcode he will not tell me what it is and does not let me have his phone with out hovering over it.
No sex recently as ive been unwell means no intimacy, but he will kiss me goodbye and occaisionally hug me, if I let down my guard this still turns into a grope. I dont go to him for affection or offer any except during times just recently where i have felt sorry for him, we have had a few sad events. Otherwise I now feel like the bad one, just cant undo the feelings he has left me with from the past. I feel like this is all my doing as I am the one shutting down.
He has always been a user, he has stopped the weed for a month or so, years gone by it was alot harder drugs. He is now using food and drinking just a few a night, I dont like him drinking as he has been vile in the past.
Not helping around the house, but then helping its inconsistqnt, he points out what needs to be done and walks off. He only does what he wants to do. He will let me do everything and do very little drinking his beer and falling asleep. If I say I need help he says ask the kids or he shouts for them to come help and then he will go back to the tv.
Hes been a damaging parent the 3 eldest have had real issues with him and are still dealing with some emotional issues as a result. The youngest kids are getting the best dad ever and im being seen as the moody one, he.s getting all the good times, kisses and cuddles, shutting me out. Im having to do the main caring, but also stopping him from spoiling them, again making me appear bad.
Seems to be changing his ways but at the same time still ignores me when i talk to him, says he was concentrating, or busy with something else. He isnt like this if hes trying to get sex but im not well at the moment and so off the cards, which is lonely for me as I would still like affection but conflicting thoughts I dont want affection from him.
He speaks to me offhand, he’s not nice in his manner towards me, cant explain it really, its done in such a way, I just feel im making something out of nothing and its just two people who have been together a long time going through bad patches.
Hes seems to be dumbing down all the things I thought and saw were the red flags or the abuse is not so obvious, they just arent there anymore. None the less as I say im still reminding myself of why I feel the way I do and as you say you cant unsee things once you see them even if they arent as bold as they were before. Or maybe im just so used to being treated like this that i dont even notice some of it as its all so normal to me now.
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Dear Chocolatebunnie,
It’s positive that you’ve found writing on here and looking back on your posts helpful. From your previous posts I can see that you are dealing with a huge amount in your family life and you are coping, which shows your strength.
In this post you are focusing on trying to figure him out, which I understand, it is natural, but it is also an exhausting exercise that never gives any reassurance. Abusers are confusing, that is part of the abuse. They will often change their tactics, particularly if they fear you have become aware of what they are doing, which can make you hope they are changing for the better but they are not. If anything they are getting more subtle and coercive.
My suggestion to you would be to try to turn down that element of trying to work him out, as hard as I know that is, and instead use that energy to look after yourself and focus on your future hopes.I hope you are still managing to connect with a support worker, you absolutely deserve that support and help.
Kind Regards,
Lisa
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