I just feel as if I’ve not achieved anything ..

[weather]

Another nasty dream of being attacked and just wished the PTSD would go away. I just feel so scared all the time and it’s been over a decade of trying to live on my own. I have no friends or family. I’ve become a recluse and feel vulnerable all the time in my solo existence. I’m not even sure if I’ll be keeping my job come Monday, as I just feel hated by the people at my place of work. I feel trapped most of the time and really don’t want to come back to (detail removed by moderator) where I’ll be cold and unemployed.

I really appreciate that I am safe but it just feels like I’m in another prison. I haven’t met any non-toxic people since leaving my ex and I’m just trying to survive financially.

[Lisa]

Hi weather,

Sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. The impacts of abuse can last long after you’ve left and what you describe sounds very difficult to cope with. Domestic abuse can be massively isolating and then after the abuse it can be difficult to start building friendships, especially with the damage to sense of self that abuse often causes. Sometimes staying away from people can feel like a way to protect ourselves too, it’s understandable if you feel like this.

Do you have any support in place? You could speak to your GP about how you’re feeling, they may be able to refer you for support to work through these challenges and may know about any local charities that can provide practical support in helping people to be less isolated, if that’s what you would like. You may also like to have a look at the Bloom website. They have courses created in partnership between survivors and professionals aimed at providing the tools to heal from trauma.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[StrongLife]

Sometime I feel the same especially at the moment when you feel like you are going backwards. Any form of toxic behaviour gets to me now. I am behaving differently and accept different things in my life now.

I have found nice people who are few and far between it seems.

You have summed up how I feel at times especially now

[weather]

Dear All,

Thank you for your messages of support. I’ve survived workplace bullying and am so grateful to have retained my employment. It was quite emotional for me to leave work this year as it’s been a constant worry of if I’ll pass an appraisal and it all become so stressful towards the start of the summer. Anyway, I’ve survived, which feels a lot like the domestic abuse I experienced so many years ago. Today, I’m feeling a bit more hopeful and there are some travel plans ahead that I can’t really mention on this site.

Wishing you all a safe and secure journey out of your current dilemmas,

Weather

[pigeonperson]

Hey Weather,

It sounds like the bullying at your workplace was really badly triggering for your PTSD. I know exactly how frightening that feels. Like you have gone backwards in your recovery from abuse and like you’ll never be okay. But you will be okay. I’m glad you were feeling more positive when you wrote your second post.

I’ve been free from my abuser for roughly the same length of time as you and I also have PTSD. I understand the feeling of needing to be reclusive and the worry that so many people seem to be very toxic. The positive thing I see from this is that because we suffered such extreme toxicity from the person who was supposed to love us, is that we notice toxicity in others so easily. I worry sometimes that I’m not giving people the chance to get to know them, then I remember, that behaviour actually is abusive, and previously, I would have tolerated it just for the sake of not rocking the boat, or loneliness, or giving them the benefit of the doubt- then got badly hurt. It’s better to have just one good friend who’s a decent human being, than being surrounded by so-called friends. And because you are an expert at recognizing red flags, chances are, when you do meet someone who’s basically kind and reasonable and decent, things will go better for you, because you’ll instinctively know they are safe and trust will grow between you.

I recently had a really bad PTSD trigger in the form of someone I’ve known for many, many years, who I thought was a very good friend (almost my only friend). I’ve recently had to be completely honest with myself and admit that she wasn’t there for me when I needed her most, over and over again. I supported her and spent so much emotional energy helping her with her problems so many times, but when I needed advice, support or practical help to leave my abuser, and support over other important, life changing things, she wasn’t there for me. I gave her the benefit of the doubt way too many times, because she’s fun and cheerful and seems kind- but she’s kind to everyone, including abusers. Not good. She passed on a message from my violent ex recently and I’ve been in a state of constant fight or flight mode since. She completely broke all trust and I’ve had to let her friendship go, because it wasn’t really a friendship. It was all one way. Sometimes we isolate ourselves for very good reasons and I wish I’d left that friendship behind sooner.

When I started feeling my PTSD being triggered by this person’s toxicity, I felt ashamed and embarrassed. Because I’m supposed to be fine by now, right? Why couldn’t I properly appreciate how far I should have come? Why do I feel like nothing and nobody again, so helpless and hopeless? I should be grateful and just get on with things, so why couldn’t I even get out of bed? Why couldn’t I stop crying?

The trauma of DV is incredibly complex and a decade might sound like a long time, but honestly, I too thought I would be completely okay by now. I am in so many ways, for example, I have a super supportive, kind partner, but my PTSD has become so bad recently that I’m unable to work. I’ve had nightmares, insomnia, full on flashbacks to the abuse like I was actually there, since she passed on that message. It’s been terrifying, even though I’m pretty sure I’m safe from him finding me.

I think some of the “motivational” material put out by the media can actually be quite dangerous to us survivors. The idea of DV survivor as heroine, overcoming a severely traumatic situation going on to flourish, succeed, fulfill her dreams. Sure, some people do incredibly well and have amazing survival stories. The problem with books and films and documentaries about these people, is that they edit out the hard parts, because they’re not consumer friendly. They make it appear easy, then people like you and me have unrealistic expectations and beat ourselves up because we think there must be something wrong with us if we’re still struggling with PTSD after all this time. We end up feeling less than. Useless. Pointless. Just what our abusers told us. That we would never accomplish anything. What was intended to be motivational can sometimes have the opposite effect, leaving us with a sense of deep grief.

I think what we need to remind ourselves is that it will get better and to give ourselves massive credit for how far we’ve come since we left. Winding myself up that I would be alone forever, that I would never find a partner who actually loves me (my abusive ex’s words) for who I am and who doesn’t hurt me in any way, insult me or try to change me, wasn’t true. He used to say

“No one will ever love you”.

He was wrong.

I think we need to remember how impossible it felt when we were trapped in that abusive relationship, thinking we would never be free, thinking we would be trapped in that nightmare forever, feeling like we were nothing, no self esteem, no sense of self, completely lost, thinking we’d end up dead if we stayed and dead if we left.

But we survived. Against all odds, we survived.

Wishing you achieve everything you ever dreamed of (and ONLY the good dreams!)

[pigeonperson]

Hey, I forgot to say, I started one of the Bloom courses that Lisa suggested and so far it’s been helpful.

[weather]

Dear Pigeonperson,

Thank you so much for your message. I’ve read it at the right time and have been having a few bad days recently due to PTSD and being off work hasn’t been helpful in distracting me. I was feeling really low again today and then read your message, which really helped me to stay in the present. I sometimes cherish the present so much, as 2023 is so much better than the years I spent with my ex-abusive husband. I actually haven’t met anyone appropriate and remain single due to the awareness I’ve gained through reading about domestic abuse. It’s easier to stay reclusive, single and not venture out or meet other people. But, then is it really easy? No, it’s hard and today was very hard as I haven’t spoken to anyone and it all came flooding back, the PTSD. I feel as if PTSD is a demon that tries to overtake all the good I’ve achieved and it’s usually a voice or a flashback that my mother and ex-husband created, as they were so similar in their form of abuse. So today, I tried to go for a swim which didn’t help to suppress the demon and ended up crying on my return. I have tried looking at the Bloom courses but found them to be patronizing and a bit like doing a CPD course at work, so have decided to abandon the site. It just makes me so indignant that the abusers don’t have to participate in courses or endure years of PTSD. What did I do to deserve this? Absolutely NOTHING. I feel as if I am getting angry now and this is just exhausting.

I hope to hear from you again.

Weather.

[minimeerkat]

hello weather, just thought id let you know that you are not alone in how you are feeling.
im like you in a way, very alone & isolated. the abuse has left me agoraphobic, & because of the lack of confidence it is extremely difficult to reach out to anyone. lost friendships during the decades with ex partner, but when your severing trauma bonds & have complex-ptsd it is almost impossible to be ‘normal’ & make any form of connections.
am having to distance myself from my mother, as the truth is her covert abuse set me up for 2 abusive relationships in adulthood. so i do not have family support either.
its natural to think of how much damage these people have inflicted & how long its taking to recover. is there anything going on causing you additional stress at the moment? because i have read that any form of stress can trigger the complex-ptsd. my understanding was that the body recognizes these stress hormones & immediately links it to the abuse – even though the current stress may be nothing to do with the abuse. makes sense though, doesnt it.
maybe today hasnt been great, but theres tomorrow – see what it brings. thinking of you x

[weather]

Thank you for your message, Minimeerkat. I’ve been away from my usual place of work and have had a lot of time alone, which has triggered my PTSD. I’m hoping to go back to work soon, so this will give me the opportunity to gain my self-worth and feel less alone, as I have this summer.

Please keep in touch.

Weather

[Author]

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