I just found out that I‘m pregnant

[SunshineAngel]

So I left him. He assaulted me, even though we were trying to have a baby and when I was hesitating if I should give a statement to the police I remembered that and it made me leave him for good. I had some bad days and I missed him and I was really sad.
This morning I took a test and found out that i am pregnant. But it’s not the happy moment i‘ve been waiting for for months. It‘s shocking and horrible. I feel more alone than ever and I just don’t know what to do. I‘ll never tell him about the pregnancy, if he asks i‘ll lie.
I just don’t know what to do now. Is there anyone who was in the same situation?

[Janedoeissad]

Hi SunshineAngel

First of all, congratulations on leaving him. That was a massive step and you should give yourself credit for that.

I have never been in the exact situation you are in. I am sure it is truly horrible. I think you need to think about what you really want. I think in order to do that you need to give the news time to settle and give yourself time to process that information.

Only once you have given it proper thought can you make any decisions.

Please know you are not alone. There are some lovely ladies on this forum and I am sure one of them will have been in your situation. One thing we all have in common is abusive men.

Big hugs and I hope you come to a decision you are happy with.

J XX

[SunshineAngel]

Somehow, this made me not worry about him anymore at all. I feel glad that I left him before I found out that i‘m pregnant and i‘m relieved that I can make my decision without him.
My feelings of missing him have disappeared and been replaced completely by relief that I don’t have to have a baby with this man and be afraid that he might hurt me or the child.
I don’t know what i’ll do and I hope I can find some help to decide.
I am worried about (detail removed by Moderator). I don’t know if I will have to give a statement (detail removed by Moderator). If I do, and if the solicitor asks, do I have to tell them that I’m pregnant? I never never never want to tell him about it. He does not deserve to know, he has lost that right when he abused me.
It’s really difficult, my feelings are on a roller coaster, but I feel proud and strong too and I think everything will be ok in the end. Just will fill a few buckets of tears on the way until then.

[SunshineAngel]

Thank you for your kind words J, I really appreciate it.

[Janedoeissad]

Its ok, no worries.

I think you should get some independent legal advice before you decide what you are going to do about the court case. Have you spoken to Rights for Women. I hear they are very good but to be honest I have never been able to get through to them. I think if you could find out what you can and can not hide from the courts, you’ll feel better.

I am really glad your feelings towards him have changed. My feelings towards my ex changed the minute I left an evolve into a new version of hatred each time I have to interact with him. Which is good because being irritated and hated him is far easier to tolerate than loving and missing him in my opinion.

I left a few weeks ago now and my feelings are roller coaster all the time. I go from angry, to crying, to happy to elated and back again in the space of a few days. And I am not even pregnant. I am sure you are feeling far worse. But its very true what you say, it WILL be ok in the end. The story isn’t over yet, this is just a bad chapter.

[SunshineAngel]

I am trying to get through to the helpline, but no luck so far. Yes, I feel like the more information I get the better I feel (at least until the next problem comes up).

For me, it all happened so quickly. I hadn’t planned to leave him, but a number of things had happened in the last couple of months that made me feel more confident and also made me see him in a different light. And then he physically assaulted me and I ran away and straight to the police. He was arrested and I’ve not talked to him since. I think he is really scared of the police, and should be, because what he did was wrong and criminal!

I know the feeling you are talking about. I also find it easier to be angry, it makes me feel stronger and like I am standing up for myself. I find myself really angry with other people as well, for example with a person who is close to him. I confided in that person over a year ago after he had assaulted me and I wanted to leave him and this person basically convinced me that I should go back to him. I can’t forgive them for that. At the same time I realize that it’s best just to not have any contact to him and anyone who is close to him. Especially now that I don’t want him to find out about the pregnancy.

Why do you have to keep contact with your ex? Can you just cut all ties? I am planning on having a friend sort out all formalities for me, I don’t want to and I also feel like I can’t cope with having to deal with him.

[Anabela]

Well done on staying strong and managing no contact. And I think you made a good decision to keep your pregnancy a secret from him as he did not deserve to know that. Whatever you decide to do about the pregnancy is up to you and no decision is wrong as long as you think it is best for you. I have not been in your situation but I can imagine how hard it is for you. Stay strong. X

[SunshineAngel]

Thank you for your kind messages. I’ve just returned home and I feel horrible. I miss him so much and I am so upset to have lost the future we had planned. It feels like someone has died. I feel so sad and desperate, my whole life feels like it was turned upside down. I find it so hard to cope with all these feelings. My brain is running at a thousand thoughts per minute, it never seems to stop. I can’t sleep. I go from missing him so much, to being very angry, to feeling really lonely, to feeling relieved that I don’t have to appease him anymore.
And on top of everything I feel really sorry for myself and find it so unfair that on top of everything, I have to be pregnant and make such an important decision now, when I feel like I can’t even chose what to eat for lunch. I don’t know how to sort out my thoughts and how to focus so that I can find out what is best.

[Serenity]

Hi Sunshine Angel,

The hurt and confusion are terrible, I know, and there is no way of escaping it, except time: we will feel better over time, believe me.

They say that abuse escalates when you are pregnant, so I am glad you got out when you did. My ex upped his abuse when I was pregnant. It was so awful, I blocked some of it and have since been reminded of it by witnesses. My point is that his abuse would only get worse.

Whatever decision you make, make sure you’ve asked for support and advice. Don’t go through this alone. You deserve support.

You are a very brave and strong lady x

[Serenity]

Hi Sunshine Angel,

The hurt and confusion are terrible, I know, and there is no way of escaping it, except time: you will feel better over time, believe me.

They say that abuse escalates when you are pregnant, so I am glad you got out when you did. My ex upped his abuse when I was pregnant. It was so awful, I blocked some of it and have since been reminded of it by witnesses. My point is that his abuse would only get worse.

Whatever decision you make, make sure you’ve asked for support and advice. Don’t go through this alone. You deserve support.

You are a very brave and strong lady x

[SunshineAngel]

I just feel horrible lately. I have been so busy, with work, sorting out a new place to live, court, travel to see friends and family. I started feeling exhausted and thought what I needed was some days of peace and quiet. It made me horribly depressed. I hate being in our old apartment by myself. Even the smallest thing will upset me and make me miss him so much.
On top of everything I feel nauseous constantly with morning sickness. Every morning I wake up, feeling sick and then I remember everything and my heart breaks and I feel so lonely and sad.
I keep remembering all the nice things he did for me, the many times he was sweet and caring and made me feel so loved. I just can’t understand how someone who is so supportive and loving could be an abuser. I keep thinking that there might be a way I could forgive him, so we can be friends again, I just miss his support so much.
I feel so sorry for myself, I can hardly think of anything else. It feels like I’m falling and falling and falling. It’s been a month but I don’t feel better at all. I keep getting worse.
I’m sorry for the rant. I don’t even think I make much sense. There is so much sadness in my heart, I don’t know how to make room to get better.

[Janedoeissad]

Sunshineangel you have been through a terrible time and it is understandable for you to feel this way, especially since you are pregnant.

Perhaps you should go to your GP and tell him/her how you are feeling. They might be able to refer you for counselling as it sounds like you have a lot to process at the moment.

The first month after I left was horrible. I hated it. I left a few months ago now and I still have bad days. I constantly fight the thought that I have failed. I have days where I struggle to keep dark thoughts at bay. However, overall I know I made the right decision, there are days I do not even think about him.

I miss the nice side of my Ex a lot but I have to understand that he had to be nice sometimes otherwise I would never have stayed, no one would stay with a person who was horrible all of the time. It was all part of his control. Make me believe I was being treated nicely just long enough (usually 3 weeks) before he would kick off again. I try my best to see it as part of his manipulation as I find that easier than thinking he had capacity to be that nice without motivation.

My Ex is being incredibly nice and accommodating at the moment and its hard but I am so happy without him now and my luck has even changed. I clearly need to be away from that man.

I am sorry, I don’t think I have been much help.

Sending big hugs, I am thinking of you.

[lover of no contact]

Hang on in there SunshineAngel these overwhelming difficult feelings will pass. Just take it One Day at a Time at the moment. You are coping with the loss of the relationship, plus a lot of major changes on top of being pregnant. This ‘longing’, phase is so hard I remember but it won’t last too much longer as you’re working through it by letting the feelings come up and letting yourself feel the sadness. But the truth is it was never a relationship, we were involved in a game, their horrible game where they were playing us, and the ‘nice ‘ things they did were to keep us in their twisted game.

Thinking of you too and keep reaching out to us for support for you and your baby. Try and get rest and early nights if you can. I hate the exhausted state and its so hard not to get to that stage. Its a constant battle to get to a rested state when dealing with the aftermath of abuse.

[SunshineAngel]

Thank you for your kind words, it helps so much to hear them.
I’ve been to see my GP, and she gave me a referral to the BPAS, saying it sounds like I already made up my mind about the pregnancy. I told her that I was struggling and she said the BPAS would offer me counselling.
I made an appointment with an abortion clinic for in a few days. I have been thinking so much about how I don’t want to have this baby right now, how horrible I feel, how I want to take care of me and not a child. I am thankful for this little angel to have come and visited me and sort of saved me. I’m sad that we’ll part ways soon, at least for a while.
I am trying to listen to my heart, to make sure that I am making the right decision. I find it so difficult to know how I feel. It’s like I don’t trust my own memories and feelings. I keep thinking about if I even wanted to make this baby, or did I let him talk me into it? He wanted children so badly, I don’t think I wanted them, or did I? It’s so confusing!
I’m scared of the abortion, I hope it will be ok.
It seems so unfair that he just gets to move on and sort out his life, while I have to go through the worst time in my life.
I’m sorry, I’m not sure if this is the appropriate forum to talk about this. When I talk to the pregnancy counselling, they don’t really get why I feel like I can never have a child with my ex, why I never want him to find out. I wish I didn’t have to make this decision, it’s so hard.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello hon,
I’m sure we all have different feelings on this one and so sorry you are having to go through it.
I have a child now, later in life.
However I did have an abortion in my early twenties, and it was the right decision then and despite the difficulties and emotions involved in the end I felt empowered by it.
Just thought I would say that.
all best

[Author]

Posts