I just need to talk…

[Ghost]

Hi, I posted on the WA forums about (detail removed by moderator) ago at a time when I was going through a breakup with my ex-partner, who was being abusive. I actually went back to him; we had therapy and things improved, but we had unfixable practical issues (which were no one’s fault) and things ended abruptly during a heated phone call. There was no official agreement to break up – the trip to see him, which I had planned for (detail removed by moderator), I cancelled in a temper – and we never spoke again.

Our (detail removed by moderator) relationship was a long-distance one, so bumping into one another accidentally or popping over to his house spontaneously to reconcile things wasn’t an option. I was so angry over the way I had been treated that I didn’t reach out, I just sat in silence for almost (detail removed by moderator), crying secretly, wishing he would show me he still cared. He contacted me about (detail removed by moderator) later to ask how I was, but I ignored the text because the pain of talking again was too hard to bear. I assume after that, he moved on.

During our time together, I felt unheard, unworthy, ashamed, guilty, punished, alone, abandoned and sad on a regular basis. To most people, this should have been an easy relationship to get over. I remind myself every day of all the things he did to hurt me – but better memories creep in and take over. I remember the laughter, the cuddles, the dreams, hopes and experiences we shared. I think about the wedding we planned, the home we would have bought, the companionship, the romance, the teamwork and how when I looked at him, I saw the most attractive person in the world. Now it’s all gone.

I feel so unjustifiably sad over the loss. I am stuck and still in love and the grief is not easing. It’s been (detail removed by moderator) and I’ve tried everything to move on, I WANT to move on! I’ve decluttered, removed photos and keepsakes, blocked him on social media, avoided contact, joined a dating site, taken up a hobby, and spent more time with family and friends. Nothing has worked. I am in so much pain. How do I move on from this old, toxic, futureless relationship when my heart won’t let him go?

Please help.

[Lisa]

Hi Ghost,

I’m sorry to read you’re having such a difficult time with moving forward at the moment. It’s normal for it to take time to heal after abuse. The contrast between the bad experiences and the nice ones often complicates our feelings about an abuser and it really is a grieving process for the planned future that now won’t happen. You mention spending more time with family and friends, is there anyone that you can be open with about how you’re feeling?

You could speak to your GP about accessing some kind of talking therapy to help you process everything. You might also find the resources available on the Bloom website useful, they host courses to support people to heal from trauma, including healing from abusive relationships.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Ghost

This sounds so hard for you and especially as you are doing all the things that you would expect to help you move forward. We have to live this way when being with an abuser in order to survive because, as Lisa said, the difference between the good and bad is frankly shocking, so our minds have to find a way to exist within that framework. Its a skill adopted in order to protect the brain, your psyche. It makes it so much harder to move on from, firstly accepting that he is that man, the evil, cruel abusing one, that would also manipulate with affection, gifts, grand gestures, love-bombing, etc., all still abuse, designed to pull you right back in. Makes it incredibly hard to break away from, and then to grieve the loss of, because the feelings are all so conflicted.

Accepting he wasn’t that man, that there was never the future you had hoped for, its all part of the grieving process. The grieving takes a while and can often needs something more to help you along. The talking is good, getting it out of your head and sharing the difficulties, it all helps your mind to process what you went through. Do reach out for more formal support if you feel you may need it.

warmest wishes

ts

[Mellow]

Hi I can relate to your post I still love my ex but he’s done the most atrocious things to me I regularly think about him but I know he dosent love me I found he was living somewhat a double life after a few months he was calling someone his wife but still trying to come back to me and being living to me he Denys it all I’m forcing myself not to be with him because I know what he done is toxic and we have children together it’s been going on for years.i even ask why he try’s to come back to me and have no explanation we are trauma bonded.they usually try to come back at some point then leave again or you argue again .I’ve done the same got talking to friends new job new car and still in my lonley times I think of him and what he’s up to im terribly sad even with a room full of people I’ve not had any therapy I’ve been trying to heal without .exercise was really good for me at one point but it triggered one of my Illnesses so I stopped so I’m back feeling sorry for myself some days I’m ok others I’m not sending love ❤️

[Ghost]

Ladies, thank you so much for your replies. I have made lots of progress over the weekend in understanding more about why I feel the way I feel, not only about the breakup but also about my ex partner. There was never anything exceptional about his good behaviour or the nicer personality traits he has, it just seemed that way when compared to how cruel he could be. In moving forward I realise I need to stop idolising his good qualities and the good parts of the relationship, and know that I can and will find them easily in future partners, who aren’t abusive. x

[Author]

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