I just need to vent

[Better-days]

I have not posted in a few weeks things were ok. I just tried to focus on the good. Last night I went out with friends for a drink he was fine when I got in he got up this morning annoyed we didn’t have sex when I said I would and then started all the shouting the threats the usual stuff for nothing absolutely nothing I dread him getting in from work. I don’t know what version of him I will get I’m fed up with constant on eggshells. My oldest son has started saying a lot of things to please his dad and says I’m mean to his dad this kills me as I know I’m not at all it’s the opposite. It’s my worst fear of we split he will side with his dad out of fear. I’m feeling very deflated today and just need to vent.

[nbumblebee]

Ahhh sweetie I know this so well. Mine has even asked to smell me to see if Ive been with anyone else its so degreading and its a huge reason why I never go out.
It really shouldnt be this way.
We are so grageful when they are “nice” arent we? It shouldnt be this way.
My kids have even asked me to stop working as it makes dad mad so I get how much it hurts.
I dont know how old your kids are but I do know that they see hear and understand more than we give them credit for more than we wanna believe as all we want is to protect them right?
I cant and wont tell you to leave as Im still here too all I can say is one day you will find your path we have to believe that we have to have faith and trust in ourselves that one day we will find the right path for us.
Sending hugs xxxxxx

[Better-days]

Thanks nbumblebee it’s true yes I get that grateful when Theyr nice it’s terrible. Kids definitely pick up on stuff. I’m being given the silent treatment tonight and he could literally wake up tomorrow be all charming and that’s it done and I need to just go with it when he decides it’s time it’s terrible that our days depends on the mood of our partners. As u say one day at a time. We got this xx

[nbumblebee]

Yeah i get this I striggle with the silent treatment most of all it drives me insane as you never know when they are gonna just snap out of it.
Im going through the nice phase again which makes you doubt yourself doesnt it Im sat here yet again thinking iys all on me this it isnt him Im the crazy one look how nice hes being. Honestly none of living like this is easy is it sweetie. All we can do is try and find our path.
Take good care of yourself. Xxxx

[pigeonperson]

Hey Better Days,

I know exactly that feeling of dread, never knowing what mood he will be in, the way he tried to turn the kids against me. It’s very, very common. I’m so sorry you are going through that.

I just heard from someone I reached out to today that the Freedom Programme is offering online courses, which might be easier to access that the in person courses. I went on the Freedom Programme and it was absolutely brilliant. It really helped. At the time, my ex was supposed to be doing a DV perps course, but of course, he didn’t bother. But the Freedom Programme really did play a big part in me getting the courage to leave for good and to go zero contact with my ex.

When an abusive partner turns your children against you, it’s a horrible form of emotional abuse against not only you, but against the children. It’s very confusing for them. My ex used to tell my children that I was having sex with other men and that he wasn’t their dad, because I was a (insert foul language here!). He also used to interrogate my eldest about where I had been and if I had kissed or had sex with other men when I’d taken the children to the supermarket or nursery etc. You are not alone: this is a typical abusive tactic.

If you haven’t read it already, Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven is an amazing resource that explains a lot of the tactics abusers use.

It’s absolutely terrifying having your kids turned against you. They’ve learnt to fear him, but they also crave the love and support a non abusive parent should be giving them. They learn to please their abusive parent to protect themselves, just like we learned to please the same abuser to protect ourselves. It’s vital they get counselling, which should help them figure things out, if they’re able to access it. If they are school age, schools often offer counselling. My kids’ school actually helped me to get a place at a refuge.

Don’t be scared to speak out. I told everyone: police, social services, school, DV support worker. Abusers thrive on our silence.

I hope things get better for you. My divorce was the happiest day I’d had for years and my kids still live with me. Their father didn’t even bother to contact social services for contact. I was shocked. So it worked out well in the end, in spite of everything, including my oldest suffering PTSD. The longer the children suffer in an abusive home situation, the worse for their mental health, so anything you can do in the meantime to support them, depending on their age, is good. I taught my kids about red flags of abuse, but when I was still with their violent father, obviously that would have been unadvisable knowing how he interrogated them.

I wish there were more resources for kids. Anyone reading this, do you know of any (books, videos, online support for kids suffering domestic abuse) that could help OP?

[Better-days]

Wow thanks for your message I will definitely look interesting doing the freedom program. Thanks for understanding about the kids it’s absolutely awful my son is getting worse saying a lot of things to please his dad and iv told him he’s not to say things to please him. You are extremely brave for leaving I’m just building myself up to have the courage as I say putting the kids at more risk is my worse fear but I’m trying my best to be strong x

[pigeonperson]

It’s so hard for kids in this situation. They should feel free to just be their authentic selves, but in abusive situations they tend to edit their personalities to appease the abuser. I wonder if there are any films or books on this kind of thing that are giving the message to kids to be uniquely themselves and not to submit to the will of bullies? There probably are about bullies there own age. Figuring out that your own dad is just an overgrown bully who is mean to get his own way and how to stand your ground and defend not only your moral ground but also your mum is a really tough call for a kid of any age.

Yeah the Freedom Programme is really empowering. If you could do the online course while he’s at work (and be careful to hide your tracks online) it definitely something that helps keep your strength up, and your determination to be free.

The times when it was quiet and seemed that it was getting better were so unnerving for me. That awareness that he could snap at any time. Living your entire life revolving around someone’s mood swings is truly awful. I’m so sorry it’s getting worse with regards your son trying to please his dad. It must be really confusing for him and incredibly difficult for you. I found never saying anything horrible to the kids about their dad the safest route for their mental health. They figured it out for themselves by his behaviour. I didn’t need to say anything, but I did stand up for them when necessary, which inevitably led to chaos, but I couldn’t just not respond when he was putting them down eg) “Your mother is stupid/lazy/fat/ugly/etc.” It’s like the “Your mum’s so fat” playground bully thing, designed to hurt because kids love their mums…but from their own dad…so messed up. If he’s saying horrible things to please his dad, he will feel guilt for it. It makes me so angry what abusers put their kids through emotionally. It’s so abusive.

I wish I knew about some resources for helping kids through this type of situation. I’ve spent hours searching the internet and haven’t found much at all. I’m probably missing keywords. I do know that there’s something known as parental alienation, (which my abusive mother did to my non abusive dad, using me as a weapon, long story), but abusers tend to use this terminology to try to pretend their victim is alienating them from the children, so it’s a bit of a minefield. My ex kept telling social services that I was “doing parental alienation”, when it was him saying vile things to the kids about me, in front of me. In the end, he alienated himself, by choice. (detail removed by moderator)

It’s really tough going through the family courts, so get as much evidence as you possibly can. I kept a diary during my marriage. I wrote down everything after each incident happened and I gave it to the social workers to read. I kept it initially because he was gaslighting me, so that I could go back and check if he was gaslighting me. Having that record really helped as he would play mind games and try to make me minimise the abuse.

[Better-days]

Thank you so much hearing it from you makes it hit home. I started the freedom program jist yesterday. It’s definitely awful but things can only get better thank you for your support x

[nbumblebee]

@pigeonperson Sorry to jump on bit I just read your words and wanted to thank you. Im going through that nice phase after a really bad nasty phase and I as I always still do had started to doubt myself yet again I struggle to use the A word let alone accept it the nice times mess with my head so badly and Im here right now but reading your words made me think again its what they do and actually deep down I know this sometimes you just need someone else to say it too so Thank you.

@Better-days I think its amazing that you have started the freedom program something Im still too scared to do I really hope it helps you sweetie let us know how it goes. Xxxxx

[Better-days]

Thanks I sure will. It’s horrendous what s**t we face keep strong and I will message you. Iv just started it but it’s an eye opener. Xxxx

[Better-days]

Thanks I sure will. It’s horrendous what s**t we face keep strong and I will message you. Iv just started it but it’s an eye opener. Xxxx

[Ricepudding]

Hi just need toget all this of my chest. One minute he is taking me to my (detail removed by Moderator) and the next it’s to out the way. Now I’m going out and he will take us and now I’ve got to take the train. And now he saying he didn’t say any of that I just can’t get my head around this trying to say I’ve made it all up. I’m just so exhausted.

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