i just seem to be shutting down

[Confused123]

Hi ladies

I dont know wrong with me , but i just feel like im shutting down, i cant think about nothing and just want to sleep, this finanical proceedings is just at early stage but i just feel so drained already, i thought if i had solciitor they would fight the battle for me but it seems like they want answers from me which ok to certain extent is fine but i dont even know what im msaying im just waffling off, i just dont know where to find energy to fightr ex in court for what is mine, i was so motivated to succeed and move on but now i seem to have come to a halt, i dont know whats important to nme anymore, yes my kids are but i just seem to have put my long term goals on hold… hope im making sense, i thought to deal with the proceedings i would just have to cut my emotions off and get through it , but its easier said then done, i just feel so furuirated that they took advantage of my innocence and how naivie i was, yes i know nothing can change time back but how do u teach people like lthis a lesson, they just think they can take what is yours , seem to be extra clever in paper work and i dont even have nergy to deal with them , everydaya i am battling with myself to just fight for it, why do i feel so scared to fight for it costs may get reversed back on me , i dont know i keep asking myself this, juts fight it through so me and kids geet something , i just dont know how to deal with this family who i keep getting message they dont care , where do they get there stregth from id love to know

[Eve1]

It is hard to fight when you feel so drained and exhausted. I think for me it was So ingrained from an early age not to fight, to push all those feelings down, and with my ex everything was always a battle, I’d just had enough, but of course I wish I’d fought a bit more for security. We do what we can.

It’s hard to do it on your own too. It sounds like you need to give yourself a break and just breath. Don’t have much practical help but wanted to show support. Try to focus on you, not him and his family.

Love
Eve
x*x

[KIP.]

I feel just like you do. Then I ask myself how I will feel if I don’t fight back. If I fight as hard as I can and I lose, then I can hold my head high and know I did my best. I spent too many years trying to keep the peace. You’re doing great❤️

[EeyoreNoMore]

All of us have our ups and downs but you can totally get through this. Right now you. Red to look after you. Whether that means calling a helpline, seeing the doc or just having a chat to some friends, take some time for you.

Can you take the kids for a nice walk after school (don’t know how old they are, sorry)? What do you like; magazines, crosswords, colouring (those therapeutic adult books are fabulous!), whatever it is, take some time and do it. Just for a while, focus on you, not him.

We’re all here to listen. Sending hugs xx

[Serenity]

Hi Confused,

I’ve been where you are. The financial proceedings were a nightmare, I won’t pretend they weren’t. I had to battle paperwork I didn’t understand, unearth information which my ex had hidden from me, deal with his lies and horrible accusations..

You ask how I kept going: Like you, I felt I was shutting down at times. Some days, I was white with exhaustion. I felt like an imbecile, because people were asking me financial questions which, as an adult, I should have known the answer to: how do you explain to people that you let your husband take control of the money and not even include you in decision-making, because he made you believe that he was the better one at it? When I explained it in the cold light of day, I realised I was describing someone who had been completely suppressed and control, and that made me even more depressed.

The forms kept coming, with difficult titles and I had to account for every penny I had spent. It was like I was under a microscope. And yet it was him who had hidden money, taken mine, etc. Why was I being made to feel like the criminal?

I remember my ex accusing me in front of the judge of hiding a pension. My ex knew full
Well I had no pension, and was relying on property- which he was now trying to take off me. I remember his dreadful solicitor- who he only hired for one day ( he was too mean to hire one long term) saying my evidence- print outs from all my past employers showing how I alhadn’t opted into any pension scheme- being ‘peculiar’ evidence!

But I kept thinking of what Winston Churchill told his troops: forge ahead, keep going.

About a year ago on here, I think I wrote a post similar to yours, and I got some responses from ladies who said that they hadn’t fought their financial cause, and had given up- but had always regretted it, because they realised some time later that they should have fought for what was theirs, and letting their abuser get away with things, such as paying for their kids etc, made them feel like their ex had won.

I am over the financial proceedings now. My ex is very financially astute and was trying to weave a very clever plan regarding my money, trying to paint me as being of questionable character etc – accusing me of all those he things he was in fact guilty of- but he didn’t win. The judge saw right through him. I think these liars all try the same low tricks. The judges see it every week.

Please keep going, Confused. Tell yourself that it you can keep going until the end, you will reward yourself big time.

I am going to send you an article privately which is only read yesterday. HA sent it to me. I can’t post it here, as I think it may have links to a public blog.

But it is an amazing article, because it gets to the nitty gritty: that we lose motivation because we believe their lies that we don’t deserve anything, and make us feel shame at fighting for our rights. We don’t realise, I think, how much our abusers have affected us in that way!

I’ll messsge you in a while ( just have to pop out quickly).

X*x

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