1st July 2016 at 10:42 am #20616
I’ve always been a kind and ethical person, but in relationships I have been targeted and my vision has been eroded until I am merely serving someone else’s ego, or lack of ego.
I am fed up with it.
If I have another relationship; I just want to be able to be myself, not lost in someone’s else’s pit of of misery or anger!
I started off life being bullied at school, assaulted quite badly and very nervous.
I have become a strong and independent person, but I always get into trouble with men thinking I am universal panacea to all their problems and when I am not, bearing misery or even blows.
Anyway, for the moment men can eff off.
I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF!
1st July 2016 at 11:27 am #20618SerenityParticipant
Hi Tea Time,
I can sympathise.
A real eye opener for me was when I went to the Pattern Changing course and they spoke about setting healthy boundaries.
I didn’t even know what boundaries were! I didn’t think I was entitled to them! I thought I would be a horrible person if I set boundaries- but I think that comes from me being raised in a family where people didn’t really respect others’ boundaries or even recognise them.
It helped me see that by giving too much, we are encouraging people to transgress healthy boundaries. We are helping them by encouraging them to be independent and self- sufficient. We can enable abuse by being too giving!
Thy gave us a print-out of our Rights – which it helps to look at at times. These are:
I look at them sometimes to remind myself what healthy boundaries are.
I used to think I was there just for other people. Giving is a good thing, but we firstly need to be ourselves – no one should ever make us lose our sense of self. If they do, then they are controlling us.
The pattern changing helped us to recognise red flags and warning signs indicating if someone was controlling or abusive. Not allowing you a point of view was one, moving too fast too early, making fun of your ideas another, etc..
Like you, I want to be me now. I will carry on giving to people- I have a big social conscience- but I won’t let my personal relationships get too complicated.
1st July 2016 at 11:43 am #20620SerenityParticipant
“Rewrite yourself as many times as necessary until your life feels like yours. You don’t create a masterpiece on a first try.”
1st July 2016 at 12:08 pm #20623AyannaParticipant
Yep, no man needed. Life is so good without a man!
1st July 2016 at 10:55 pm #20683HealthyarchiveBlocked
Dear Hoodwinked & Teatime. I’m pretty much the same as yourself. I can’t remember many, only one, relationship where I was ever acting myself. I acted myself in my marriage and my husband loved me, but I let it go. But 99% of my other relationships I have never ever acted as myself. I was always dressed up how men like women to look, most of the time I felt uncomfortable. Doing what I didn’t really want to be doing as if i did what I really wanted them would leave me. And not be at all myself, as they would either not like it or leave me. So i stuffed it all down and put on an act. Its so refreshing & liberating to finally be 100% man free, now I can really be and do what I want. Today I brought new, lovely cotton sheets from M&S. I am so much enjoying it now he is out of the picture. XXXXX
2nd July 2016 at 12:02 am #20686
Hmmm. nice cotton sheets. Lovely and blissful
2nd July 2016 at 12:36 am #20687
I have saved that Bill of Rights- thank you so MUCH!
2nd July 2016 at 1:34 pm #20725SaharaDParticipant
Hmmm I’m myself. I set boundaries for others and for myself.
I won’t be an enabler. Anyone who behaves badly and doesn’t apologise and handle the situation well gets the boot.
I started dating after 20 months out. I’m still healing. I say dating because I form no committed relationships. Its good because I compare all the men together. Who is happy?who is stable? who is aware of, accepts and manages their flaws? who is responsible? who is communicative? Who contributes to society and who isn’t needy or jealous?
I give time for myself and tell them to see other women if I’m not available. Too bad if they dont like it. I’m not encouraging codependency. I only see each man once a week no more.
One strict rule no men in my home. I want strong superior female energy here. My energy. Amazonion queen high priestess energy. Its my retreat and sanctuary.
I find that I can have an intimacy with men which I crave that I cannot get from female friends or support groups. I struggle to let people touch me so I can only let men I’m intimate with touch me. I feel strange having even a hug with a friend. I know its from my childhood but its still hard.
The men serve their sole purpose of intimacy and that’s it. I don’t need them for anything else.
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