- This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 1 month ago by
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Hi Put the kettle on,
I’m sure we have all experienced this, I know I have.
Google trauma bond, it will explain your feelings and desire to get in contact with him.
If you can go 0 contact, over time the trauma bond lessens then eventually breaks.
For me, when I felt the compulsion to contact him, I busied myself with other things.
Physical activities were best for me, like exercise, walking in the fresh air, gardening etc.
I normally enjoy reading books but I couldn’t concentrate, same with watching TV, I could sit through an entire episode but couldn’t remember what happened.
Be kind to yourself, busy yourself with a complicated recipe to a healthy meal.
0 contact is the only way to get them from beneath your skin xx -
Hi Put the kettle on,
I agree with Footballfan1, zero contact is the only way through this to start healing.
I have learned this week about something called Limerence, which is a bit akin to Trauma Bonding, but Limerence is about becoming obsessed with someone and imagining them to be what we want them to be instead of seeing what they really are.
Constantly contacting someone who is not responding to us is not healthy. We believe that if we continue to reach out, tell them we love them, want them, how good we can be for them etc will finally make them realise ‘the truth’ – and that we are indeed what they need! But if we flip this in reverse and we had someone contacting us who we did not wish to hear from we would become wary, annoyed, even scared, because this person was just not getting the message that we weren’t interested. We would start to feel thankful that we ended the relationship for various reasons. Constantly contacting someone who isn’t responding is harassment/stalking.
You are more than likely trying to seek some closure from him, but we can never get closure from an abusive relationship. Not getting closure makes an ending harder to bear, and the only way through it is to work our way through the pain, one day at a time and research why we feel this way. There are explanations to help us understand our feelings.
I feel for you going through this, it’s not easy I know. Every time you feel like contacting him make a conscious effort to stop and ask yourself what you are hoping to achieve from it. Instead, work on your own healthy boundaries and self esteem and watch some videos on YouTube how to do this. I’ve been doing that myself this week – it does help 🙂
xx
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I say this with greatest respect he will NEVER ever give you closure.he wants you to be confused he wants you to feel like this.my ex said it with his own mouth that he would never tell me they don’t have remourse (detail removed by Moderator).they do not care.they want you hurt .please try and move on.he will have you going round in circles.your closure is you moving on.I’ve been where you are.i still might go back there but I hope I don’t.they will never give us answers they like everything to be hidden.you don’t need proof of anything your instinct is enough.he dosent need you to show him proof either.that’s just to have more power over you.please have o contact
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Yes the confusion is a huge factor, I think that’s why I’ve felt I needed to contact him to try and understand because it doesn’t make sense. You are right about us going round in circles, that added to the confusion.
I have no intention of getting back with him, I may have loved him but I know it’ll only get worse if I ever got back with him.
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