21st January 2021 at 7:42 pm #120176
Hi, hoping someone can help with advice please.
So, finally got to this stage of getting out. I told him wanted him to leave a little while ago, he turned into no 1 dad and husband but i found myself with feelings for another man (not ideal but after years of emotional abuse and being starved of affection felt so nice). Tried again but had feelings of anxiety and not being true to myself, tried again to say it is over. He said well all this is gone i.e. the house, we would have to sell, do i really want to do this etc. So tried again and still have feelings for someone else but he has finally started to help with childcare, being affectionate, listening when i speak. Is this an act or has he changed?
I really tried to end it but he cried and said dont take my kids away, (detail removed by moderator). I feel terrible and dont want broken family but ive waited to be free for years and finally have courage, just last bit. He seems so genuine. The one thing i didnt like was (detail removed by moderator). Now he is love bombing me. So confused. X
21st January 2021 at 7:49 pm #120179
Should also mention he saw messages between the guy and has tried to be more affectionate and spice things up, although no interest in him in that way for years. I keep thinking maybe he has changed and im the bad one, he said he knows he has been horrible to me for years and he is sorry and has changed. It was the way he was brought up apparently. He was very calm when he found messages but he said (detail removed by moderator) (there has not been physical contact with man, emotional affair). And he would need money back from house sale he put into original equity. Also scared to be single mum as child doesnt listen to me only him. I am not sure i could cope. Sorry for rambling x
22nd January 2021 at 7:34 am #120209
Read this in another post and this is what happened: The second phase is when the abuser starts telling her his sob story. This is when he profess his undying love, minimize the abuse and blame his behavior on depression/anxiety/stress/bad childhood etc…This is the phase when the woman starts feeling sorry for him. This is when he reminds her of the good times in the relationship and how it could be that way again.
He made me read a list of his OCD traits, i remember him writing it when he saw a doctor, about 4 pages of things that stress him out. Made me feel sorry for him, he said he isnt nasty to me it is his illness. So i doubt myself and think maybe it is just that, he acknowledged he berates me and is angry a lot because he is stressed.
So confused, am willing to try again because of not wanting to have kids without their dad. Even my parent said try make it work, think of the effect on kids with having divorced parents. He is really trying and helps a lot with kids when before i did all childcare. He does moan if he has to do dinner, he did say sorry next day for moaning.
Ahh sorry go round in circles in my head justifying everything. Ive written down his abuse in past year so i can remind myself. He hasnt done anything major since (detail removed by Moderator) which i consider very good. So think he has changed. Friends despairing of me as i was there, finally told him over after many attempts and now im willing to try. He did grab my phone off me and read all messages even though i said give it back as he said he wanted to see if i was messaging that guy. He found messages between friends saying ive been miserable for years and screenshots of messages (detail removed by Moderator) years ago when abuse was rife and talking about leaving then.
Just after any similar stories, do they turn good or have i got this wrong and he is a good man? Maybe i have it wrong and he has illness and im just not sympathetic. Has he changed and can we make it work? Breaking up family and doing it alone seems so scary. Thank you for reading x
22nd January 2021 at 8:58 am #120211KIP.Participant
You’ve been stuck in his cycle of abuse for years. It’s never changed and never will. When you plan your safe exit you don’t tell him because he will manipulate you into staying. He doesn’t care about you. I would never want to stay with someone who clearly doesn’t want to stay with me. You need to be happy and confident for yourself and also for your children. You’re not breaking up a home. He did that the very first time he abused you, which is also child abuse. He’s depriving the children of a mother who can spend her time building bonds and happiness with her children instead of walking on eggshells staying to appease an abuser. Make your exit plan. Get all your ducks in a row. Emotionally, legally, financially, safety wise.
22nd January 2021 at 11:43 am #120217
Thanks KIP. Im almost there, has taken years. I keep just being pushed back. He is being lovely and keeps saying we can be really happy and saying we can go away like i want to. Just makes me think im wrong, he isnt abusive he is just stressed. But then i think no ive been here before. He will be ‘nice’ for a few months and it will change. Keeps guilting me. Ive not been treating him well, seeking affection elsewhere
22nd January 2021 at 11:59 am #120219ISOPeaceParticipant
I’m sorry to hear how you’re feeling. Read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft (I honestly say that to virtually everyone). It explains that stress doesn’t cause abuse (although could make it worse). Abuse is caused by the belief that it is ok to treat people badly when they don’t meet your expectations. And those expectations are unrealistic because the abuser thinks you should always behave the way they think is right. There are millions of stressed people who aren’t abusive. Also you have not caused the abuse, it’s always about the abuser.
I’ve been in a similar position for a long time and am finally starting to see more clearly what’s happening. Reading the book I mentioned was so eye opening. You will get there. Sending love xxxx
22nd January 2021 at 4:44 pm #120240EmpoweredhealingParticipant
Trueblue, try to find sources that explain how an abuser becomes an abuser. This really helped me realized that it’s a fantasy to believe these people can change that easily. Patricia Evans, Dr. Ramani (youtube) have good explanations.
Being in an abusive relationship is psychologic warfare. He’s pulling out every tool in the manipulation war chest now to get you to stay. By far, the worse side affect of that is confusion and self doubt. If you find yourself feeling this way, they are signs that you still being emotionally abused.
22nd January 2021 at 7:22 pm #120246ScapegoatParticipant
Hi True blue, I’m with you and in exactly the same place. Told my oh (detail removed by Moderator) didn’t want to be with him due to the abuse. He suddenly became charming, understanding and attentive which made me wary but was persuaded to stay here as friends until Covid over ( ?)
Well now things are back to normal, the abuse physical and mental has started again though I don’t actually believe a word he says anymore. I don’t trust him. I’m stuck in lockdown working from home again while he slobs round all day bored out of his mind saying I don’t pay him enough attention ( that’s because I’m (detail removed by Moderator) live all day online).
They cam pull it out the bag whoever they need to but when he cries and begs me not to go ( rarely) I feel guilty and sorry for him so I stay ( not that I have a plan or anywhere to go)
Have you read Lundy Bancroft Should I stay or should I go? Or emotional abuse by Barrie Davenport.
Hope you sort things out True Blue, know it’s so tough to make that step xx
27th January 2021 at 8:03 am #120457
Thank you lovely ladies. Just done another post think it is going through modifier. This really helped, yes regularly read Lundy Bancroft to remind myself! Niceness definitely an act, (detail removed by moderator) huge act of threatening suicide. I didnt feel a thing, can tell it is an act. I am almost there got solicitor call this week. He wont leave. I am not sure what to do xx
27th January 2021 at 2:37 pm #120477KIP.Participant
Keep writing that secret journal, threats of suicide is coercive control. Just play his game till you can get him out safely x
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