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What if I had not been so afraid of him? When he punched me …
What if I had punched him with all my strength into the middle of his face, just really one big punch?
He would not have expected this.
Could I?
I was frozen and scared to death. I did never think of that ever. These thoughts come to me now, that I am injured for life and it is too late.Maybe he would have killed me. But do we die so easily? I could have yelled the house down and bitten and kicked him before that.
If there is lesser fear, do we fight better?
He got away with the satisfaction that he beat me up almost every day.
I was left humiliated, broken, injured.I will never have my life back. Never.
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I would never have fought back when i was with him. I was paralised with fear. I once laughed. Only now i realise the real danger i was in. Now i think i would fight for my life. Even though hes huge (detail removed by moderator). I would fight and scream for my life. Maybe he would be the scared one. Too late now because everyone knows he a wife beating coward. He wouldnt dare x we do what we do to survive and get through another day x
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You have one thing he will never have- the peace that comes from knowing you are a good person.
I know that they don’t feel bad about things like we do, and his conscience is very much lacking, but I do think that they end up victims of their own actions, if only to have to fabricate more lies to cover up past lies, to need other sources all the time to avoid looking at themselves- a horrid and fake existence and I truly believe that underneath it all they are painfully aware of the meaninglessness of life and their life in particular ( I believe all abusers are depressed, even if they hide it. A happy person wouldn’t need to hurt others.)
As they reach old age and lose their faculties and their strength, what have they got to be proud of, looking back at their life?
I never struck back at my ex, but I think I was actually teetering dangerously close to him ending my life anyway. Thank God I didn’t, and thank God you didn’t x
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Is it not awkward how scared we all were?
The ex abuser was a heavy muscular man and he was incredibly strong. But one punch in the right place would have taken him out.
I was so frozen. I never thought of that. I never thought of self defense. I just curled up and begged for forgiveness and waited until the beatings were over.
I had this believe that I would not stand the slightest chance against him.
I hate myself for this. This is not what a strong woman does. I was not strong. I was a nothing.
I will never let this happen again. -
I don’t think its possible to exert anything negative with these abusive men, (detail removed by moderator). There is a women in the news today that killed the man who raped her, i think it was long term abuse and one day she snapped. I was not allowed to show any negative emotion at all to my ex. His preferance was for me to be smiley, positive, happy, sexy and forgiving. If i were humpy or god forbid angry at him the consequences for me would be severe. I was a permanent subservient quiet mouse due to fear of him. I could never speak freely, be angry, have a go at him even if it were justified, pure contempt followed by silence & discard.
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Yes, that is so true. HA, I like how you summed it up perfectly.
Does this way of being forced to never have opposing thoughts influence our entire being?
I think it is soul destroying.We need to get the message out to all women not to lose the connections to their inner selves, to their souls.
These men made shells out of us.
I slowly reconnect. I search and I seek. I want to be whole again or for the first time in my life. It will be a long and endless spiritual journey. -
I found a little of my inner self when i stood up to him in court. I bet he didnt see that coming. Im sure he still thinks of me as a cowering wreck unable to leave the house for fear of panic attacks. I bet he got the fright of his life when i appeared on that witness stand. Ha. And an even bigger fright when found guilty. We put ourselves back together one piece at a time like a huge colourful jigsaw puzzle ❤️
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The being forced to suppress your true self is not a natural way to live, its unhealthy and damaging and abnormal. I was like it in my marriage and I was like it with my last ex. Now I live alone and I am me, it is free and liberating and I think how life is meant to feel. I am sorry that you struggle so Ayanna, I hope that one day you will have more times that you feel comfortable and relaxed just being you. I used to be so shy and introverted. I cared so much about what people thought of me. It stunted my growth. One day I decided to try to let myself go and not care about what people though. I changed my appearance and grew more outlandish. I know that people look at me and laugh and snigger. But I am happier now than I was then. I think that I have a reputation as a bit of an oddity in my neighborhood but I have a deep sense of pride not to follow the heard. Do you think that you care a lot about what people think of you Ayanna or do you go about your business not giving a t**s? I think its healthier to adopt the latter approach. X*X The majority or rather all of the people who have laughed and bullied me in the past had issues of their own funnily enough.
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Oh no, I do not care at all what people think about me. I tell them in their faces openly and freely what I think and that is not always nice. I could not care less.
Also, I dress now according to who I am. And that does not follow any trend.But I am injured, badly injured. My soul and my body are injured. My health is very bad as a consequence from all the abuse.
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