9th May 2016 at 1:04 pm #16767
forgive me but I have never posted on this, or indeed any other site before and I am at a loss as to what to do…..you know when your instinct says something isn’t right that’s where I am at…that and him calling me a stupid f***ing b***h last Thursday has prompted me to write.
We have been married for nearly (detail removed by moderator) years, all roses until the children came along looking back and compounded by him being made redundant about (detail removed by moderator) years ago. He speaks to me like I am stupid, patronises me, upsets me so that I cry myself to sleep and doesn’t offer a word of comfort, threatens to kill himself, calls me names, swears at me, has a high sex drive and is upset if I don’t give him attention, says he gets lots of attention from other women…yet if I as much as talk to another man ‘I fancy him and have made a fool out of myself’, he doesn’t listen to what I say and certainly will not accept any responsibility for any of his actions……it’s always my fault, he excuses me of lying to him, of having an affair, texts constantly when I am out, gets stroppy when I don’t reply instantly, isn’t honest with me – his finances are in a right mess, he is bankrupt, we’ve had baliffs at the door, yet he has always earnt a decent salary – that’s his money – while I scrape by on what I earn. He flies off the handle along with that he has what I would call a sense of grandeur but also really low self esteem at the same time if that makes sense I appreciate the stress he has been under has been immense but it’s not fair to take it out on me surely?? I don’t know what to do……I do love him but I want the person I fell in love with back….
9th May 2016 at 2:59 pm #16776WhathaveidoneParticipant
First of all, welcome to the forum! I’m sorry you are also going through this. He is definitely an abuser and to be honest, you could be me writing because everything you’ve written, mine does to. I was feeling how you are a few months ago but now I’m taking steps to leave the relationship.
Have you read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft? It is a MUST read as you will identify with eveything in there – I know I have.
You don’t deserve this, none of us do. The sad fact is that he won’t change. He only cares about his needs and everyone else has to change their behaviour, walk on eggshells, just to make him happy. But nothing you do will ever make him happy. He will always move the goalposts. He may appear nice sometimes but thats just to keep you hooked. Google “Traumatic bonding”.
Mine once threatened to smash up everything in the home then jump out the window just to scare me. I’m not allowed to buy things I want, eat what I want, wear what I want, speak to who I want, learn what I want, read what I want… without his approval or criticm.
I have to ‘manage’ the finances but he spends exessively on HIS OWN credit card – then blames ME for not ‘being able to mange him’ or the finances properly.
He accuses me of looking at other guys when we’re out in public – which I don’t – yet he constantly makes remarks at womans breasts, bums, shapes/figures, how some women don’t dress decent etc etc
If he doesn’t get what he wants he sulks for hours, days even and its worse when it comes to sex. He just expects me to ‘give it’ to him and the lectures / berates me on how men need it, how his d*** hurts if he doesn’t get it, how it’s the basis of an relationship and relationships mean nothing without it. He is hypersexual and doesn’t care about how I feel. I even started thinking there was something wrong with me and he accused me of probably going through the menopause – to put things into perspective, I have regaular periods and I’m not even old enough to have a smear test yet.
I’m less than 9 stone in weight yet he calls me names to indicate that I’m fat like a whale, blubber, hippo etc. He isolated me from all my friends and family and alsways criticises them. He’s so negative…with me.
The list goes on.
However, to everyone else, he’s charming, funny, generous and caring. But it’s all an act because he just wants power and control over people.
I would advise you to make plans to leave as I am. I dont have children but ultimately it will be best for you an your children. The abuse will gradually get worse as I am experiencing. He’s subtly left marks on my body which he’s never done before.
It’s a long and difficult jounery but whatever you decide we’re all here to support you.
9th May 2016 at 4:33 pm #16798Confused123Participant
Gosh where do these men get there excuses from, hun yes u r in abusive realtionship, i would call the help line and seek support, unfortuanteley men like this dont change
9th May 2016 at 6:29 pm #16804godschildParticipant
I echo what the other ladies have said, this is classic abuse, and also agree Lundy Bancrofts book is so enlightening,it was through books that I first saw I was in an abusive relationship , mine got bad after my Son was born its classic, they are jealous of anyone else having your attention, do call Womens Aid,you can get a supprt worker from your local branch xx
11th May 2016 at 1:33 pm #16935
it’s difficult because he isn’t like it all of the time, he accuses me of being unfaithful and lying to him, when I obviously don’t and I certainly don’t take any of the c**p – I do stand up for myself…….as much as I can, but he does make me doubt myself. I do know it’s mostly stress related and also that he had an odd upbringing with a very controlling narcissistic mother who walked all over her poor husband so he ended up just being a shadow of her…that’s not an excuse for his behaviour, it just helps me understand why he acts like he does. He does have problems, I am almost convinced he has traits of bipolar, he drinks heavily and that does impact things distorts his thinking I guess, but I am not being spoken to like dirt….but I don’t know what to do….I don’t think I want to leave him, we’d have nowhere to go, but things have to get better…..not sure if we should try counselling at least
11th May 2016 at 2:42 pm #16951LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum! I am so pleased to see that you have already had lots of supportive posts and I just wanted to add a little one to say welcome. Sadly it does sound like your partner is abusive, we know that abusers do not abuse all the time (if they did it would be so easy to leave!) but even when they are not being abusive we know that it is very hard walking on eggshells waiting for the next outburst just round the corner.
Your situation sounds very stressful for you and your children and you might find it really helpful to speak to the helpline about what is happening when you next get a safe chance to call. The helpline will not tell you what to do but they will help you to see that you have options and will help you confirm that his behaviour is abusive. We know that often abusers become more abusive once there are children in a relationship as they do not like the attention shifting to others so it sounds very normal that his behaviour got worse when the little ones came along.
I know it can be a very difficult and upsetting time when you realise that your relationship is abusive but we are all here for you on this forum and will try to help support you with whatever you wish to do. Sadly if he is not prepared to accept any responsibility at all for his behaviour then it is unlikely that counselling will help you and he could just try to manipulate the situation to make you feel even more to blame. If he would be prepared to accept that he is abusive then perhaps a perpetrator program might help.
Please do try the helpline and keep posting to let us know how you get on.
11th May 2016 at 2:30 pm #16944SaharaDParticipant
It’s not you.
You are not highly sensitive.
Let me explain what is abuse objectively looking at it without the emotions.
-Calling you a stupid f-ing b-t-h is verbal and psychological abuse
– speaking to you like you are stupid is verbal and psychological abuse
– patronising you is verbal and psychological abuse
– upsetting you and making you cry is psychological abuse
– attention seeking is psychological abuse
– stating that he get attention from other women is psychological and sexual abuse.
– demanding and guilt tripping and coercing you into sex is psychological and sexual abuse.
– swearing at you and calling you names is verbal and psychological abuse.
– stopping you from and berating you for speaking to anyone else is psychological abuse.
– lying and accusing you is psychological abuse.
– accusing you of having an affair is psychological and sexual abuse.
– being bankrupt, having unmanageable debt and taking his money only for himself is financial abuse.
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm Read this webpage more on abuse to understand that just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean that it isn’t abuse.
of course it isn’t fair on you. You will never get back the person that you fell in love with because that person was a sham, a fake and a facade.
He isn’t like that all the time because it’s called the cycle of abuse. Abusers are nice nasty. They are nice and then they are nasty and round and round we go with them. Nice to stop you from leaving, Nasty to give themselves control and a sense of superiority and entitlement.
(detail removed by Moderator)
Do not go to couples or marital counselling. Abusers will manipulate the session and heap all of the blame on you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is many things wrong with him and only he can sort himself out. You can’t help him or even encourage him. Often by staying we are enabling the abuser and subconciously saying “it’s ok. No matter what you do I will stay with you as I have for years, decades…”
I have a mental illness diagnosed at Borderline personality disorder similar to bipolar disorder. Symptoms can include being abusive and having suicidal thoughts. HOWEVER, I have to take responsibility on my own for my own behaviour and have realised that upsetting other people is not the way to go when I am distressed and I am responsible for my own suicidal thoughts and only I can stop myself when I am determined no one else. No one else is responsible.
Get out while you still have your wits about you. You can go to a refuge or emergency accommodation from a council not in the same borough or area. They will put you and your children up. Don’t tell him you are leaving just do it preferably behind his back before he has a change to physically stop you or manipulate and twist your mind into staying. You can also force him to leave by getting an occupation order and a Non-molestation order from The NCDV http://www.ncdv.org.uk/contact-us/
It is very rare for abusers to change and the only ones (3) I know who changed had to lose their wives and children and partners and homes and everything before they did.
Take care and stay safe.
11th May 2016 at 7:42 pm #16979HealthyarchiveBlocked
Hi IMBMS, my ex was a covertly emotionally and mentally abusive towards me, I never knew when I was in the thick of it, all I knew is that I didn’t feel right, so terribly confused (i like to think i’m fairly intelligent & bright), terribly insecure and my self worth was reduced to zero. My favourite reading material is: (all available free to read on Amazon): 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships and all books (there are about 18 short ebooks) by H G Tudor. These books helped me amazingly to understand covert and hidden psychological abuse.
12th May 2016 at 10:12 am #17027
thank you so much for your kind words and support, to be honest I think that I have been going mad. I have mentioned it to some friends – drip fed really just bits but I don’t think anyone believes me. Last night I was called a ‘[email protected] shrinking violet because I disagreed with something he’d said and how can someone who professes to stand up for what they believe not understand that, everyone else got it why can’t you are pathetic…why do you think?? He needs someone who isn’t so uptight and he can’t stand the tension I create anymore…he is bankrupt I found out (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago that he is (detail removed by Moderator) months in arrears with the mortgage, we have no money yet he buys copious amounts of alcohol I try to explain that to him but he doesn’t get it! I will call when I leave work today, it’s breaking my heart to be honest xxxx
12th May 2016 at 2:29 pm #17060
for instance last night the shrinking violet thing was because he has just posted something on a social media site that I thought really inappropriate and laughed it off, I have asked him to remove said post and he is calling me stupid and paranoid as everyone else thinks its funny….they don’t
17th May 2016 at 8:04 am #17457
I opened up and told a friend….she believed me!!! She even said she had been waiting for me to speak to her….she knew something wasn’t right! She and her husband have even stopped following him on social media because they didn’t like the aggressive tone and the way he spoke about me….that’s good right??
17th May 2016 at 5:43 pm #17470White RoseParticipant
Hi there. Sounds as if you’re realising more about him. It’s good you can get it reinforced by friends too.
Don’t blame his behaviour on his stress I did that for a few years and I was just making excuses.
You’ve had lots of advice here already I’ll back if as excellent advice!
Do try to phone womens aid for practical advice and support they are excellent x*x
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