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When I was younger I always said that I would never stay i an abusive relationship and maybe thats why I feel a lot of shame about the fact that I am. Its not because I can’t see what’s happening but the practical realties of anything changing seem impossible. What people in relationships with ‘normal’ people dont realise is that you aren’t dealing with normal people who are reasonable. You are dealing with people who never take responsibility, blame you for everything, give you the silent treatment or the shouty aggressive treatment interspersed with the nice guy so you always feel out of control and just want to relax on the ‘good’ days because its so b****y tiring. My other half doesn’t work because he criticises all of his bosses. He may have some valid points but he is very direct and people dont like being told they are c**p at their jobs so they eventually get rid of him or he becomes so consumed with rage by the injustice of everything that he leaves. This is obviously always everyone elses fault and there is never anything he could have done differently. I’m never supportive enough (despite never nagging about anything because frankly…what would be the point) but its not enough that I work full time to keep a roof over our heads. He’ll then blame me for us never going out or going away because we should forget that (a) we dont have any money and (b) hes incapable of doing anything himself. I’m not leaving this house that I have worked hard for and he wont leave because its too easy for him to stay here and be miserable even though he complains about how unhappy I’ve made him over all of these years. Even if he did leave, I know that he would make life difficult for the children so I’m sitting tight until they have left home and then maybe one day, I’ll just think…sod it, I’ve had enough now. But I will just say that all of the above is b****y tiring and I’ve tried all ways to understand why he behaves the way he does (and I can see valid reasons) but that doesn’t mean that its ok. I need to keep reminding myself that he puts me down to big himself up. Of course, all that means is that I dont love him anymore and I’m wasting my life because its an absolute struggle. If i had to do it over, i would not have married him. I honestly wonder what its like to be with someone who you can talk to without worrying about their reaction.
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All very convenient for him isn’t it , every excuse his come up with for not working or not going out together, how unhappy he is ? Anything about your feelings in all of this , very one sided it seems all about his wants and needs . From what I read here his got it made hasn’t he , but yet he feels his the slighted one in the relationship. His very entitled and insecure that’s y he tries to put you down so you have no confidence and totally depend on him , his miserable cos he not happy within himself, not with you , but using you as the excuse . It’s very much textbook, I’m sure they all read a handbook on it , my one was exactly the same , everything was my fault , no one could do anything right , he was far too intelligent for all his boses , hence he didn’t work , so relied on me for everything. I couldn’t have any conversation as my conversation wasn’t good enough for him and then the abuse also . I used to criticise any woman for putting up with this kind of relationship, and yet found myself in one , struggling to get out , people do not understand these types of relationships, it’s so hard to be in them , it’s draining, it’s harder to leave . Trust me when I say all insecurities he is feeling he is taking it out on you , all inadequacy that he feels in himself his blaming you . The problem is all him not you , don’t let him get in your head , hard I know, but don’t let him drag you down x
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I didn’t know how much I needed to read your response until I did. My logical brain knows absolutely 100% that it’s nothing to do with me but the parts of me that want to please and fix gets confused by the constant roller coaster. For the first (detail removed by moderator) years I genuinely thought it WAS me because he was my first big relationship. Even though my parents were not like that I thought maybe he’s right, I am naive and I’m disappointing him in all these ways. And one day a lady at work was talking about her ex husband and the types of things he did and the light bulb came on and I started to thing maybe it isn’t me. Now I know for sure but that somehow makes it harder because I’m aware I’m being treated badly and I’m allowing it. But as you say, people don’t know unless they know. The first time he stormed out threatening to kill himself because we don’t make his life great, me and the kids were beside ourselves. He knew I’d (detail removed by moderator) so was doing it on purpose. Every time after that I know he won’t do it…but sometimes I wish he would. That makes me feel pretty c**p about myself too. But I need to be honest here.
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